Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007, on Roosevelt Island. One of Mattie's favorite places to walk, explore, feed the ducks, sail his battery powered boats, and climb rocks. This is my second favorite photo of Mattie, after the pumpkin photo I captured of him at Butler's Orchard in Maryland. Mattie found an osage-orange or sometimes called a crinkle hedge apple on the Island that day. Of course at the time when he picked it up, I had no idea what on earth it was or what it was called, other than some sort of tree fruit. So based on Mattie's curious nature, he took the fruit home with us. We searched the Internet for the name of this fruit, and eventually we figured it out. When you cut the fruit open, which we did with Mattie, it has an amazing citrus smell. I was always learning something NEW with Mattie, something I now miss. Can you guess who took this photo of Mattie, was it me or Peter? It is funny, Peter can instantly tell by looking at a photo which one of us snapped it of Mattie. Peter claims that Mattie posed differently for us. In Peter's words, if Mattie was beaming and had a glorious smile in a photo, then I was taking the picture. So tonight, if you guessed I took the picture, you are correct. I loved Mattie in red, his favorite color, and in many ways Roosevelt Island was our backyard. We walked it on good and bad weather days, and during good times and difficult times.

The Lone, Wild Bird by H.R. MacFayden

The lone wild bird in lofty flight is still with thee, nor leaves thy sight. And I am thine! I rest in thee. Great spirit come and rest in me. The ends of earth are in thy hand, the sea's dark deep and far off land. And I am thine! I rest in thee. Great spirit come and rest in me.

The above poem was actually a hymn sung at the "Time of Remembrance" ceremony last Sunday at Georgetown University Hospital. In fact, I found this hymn and the one I posted earlier this week (Hymn of Promise) so moving, yet last Sunday, I couldn't keep it together long enough to sing. The words just seem to speak to me, though the music itself isn't memorable. I think both hymns resonated with me because they both spoke about nature. In this particular case, the spirit of our loved ones is captured symbolically in the "lone wild bird." Throughout the spring and summer, I saw many birds, and watching their energetic moves and listening to their calls, they reminded me of Mattie. Therefore, when I read, "I am thine! I rest in thee," I was captured by the beauty of this visualization, sentiment, and feeling. As if these words were written just for me. Though I realize they were not. With each bird that soars over my head, I catch that moment in time, like a photograph, and think to myself..... are you with me and will you stay with me? In Ann's garden this season, I had more visits from robins, blue jays, and hummingbirds than I can count. Not sure if these creatures were saying to me...... I am thine, I rest in thee, but somehow their presence brought me comfort.

As it is getting much colder in Washington, DC, Peter bought us a new bird feeder and hooked it up to our balcony. This was a tradition we started when Mattie was born. When Mattie was a baby, I spent many days at home, alone together. Peter put up a bird feeder that year, and it was a marvelous diversion for both Mattie and I. Even though we live in the city, you would be amazed at the bird traffic that comes by for food. Mattie and I LOVED our family of red headed finches who always visited, and I am hoping to see them again this year. So far, I haven't seen one bird stop by our feeder, but I realize there is still a great deal of food to pull from nature still. I am sure in time, all our feathered friends will return.

I began the day with visiting the dentist. Going to our dentist's office is a true experience. It is located in the heart of Washington, DC, and their philosophy is the patient is always right and deserves to be comfortable and treated with respect. This philosophy hits you as soon as you step off the elevator and are greeted by the receptionist. Frankly, I would love to clone my dentist and his entire practice and introduce him to the rest of the medical community. It makes a big difference when you feel you are being listened to, that you aren't rushed when dialoguing with your doctor, and that the things you say aren't being challenged. I had a new hygienist today, and she claims I haven't visited the office for two years. I know this couldn't possibly be the case, since I remember the last hygienist crying with me when I told her Mattie died. So I believe I haven't been to the dentist in a year. Very unlike me though, since I usually take doctor visits seriously. Any case, I was worried what state my teeth were going to be in today, since the rest of me feels worn out from Mattie's cancer. Despite all the precautions taken at Georgetown, Mattie did receive many different types of radiation from x-rays to cyberknife. I personally feel like a walking piece of radiation, and I am sensitive to getting exposed to more xrays, even dental ones. So I had a long talk with the hygienist today, and she explained the difference between the type of xrays Mattie took and the digital xrays (which use minimal radiation) I would be getting. I was due for over 20 dental xrays today, however, after four, she could see that the pain of holding these things in my mouth made me cry. So she quickly decided that putting me through more of this would be cruel. So instead I took a digital panel xray which was fascinating since I got to see my nerves, jaw, and sinuses.

After the cleaning, I got to see my dentist. Who I absolutely love. He remembered that Mattie died and he cutely said...... "don't you know I have been sitting in my office each day just waiting for you to come back!" He meant it in a sweet way, and he got me laughing,

This afternoon, I received an unexpected email. Sometimes when you receive an email that you weren't expecting, it makes you pause and appreciate the message. I received a lovely message from Ann's cousin today. Helen lives in Massachusetts, and was out in her yard raking leaves and saw two glorious flowers blooming. She took pictures of a lovely white azalea and a beautiful pink rhododendron, and shared them with me. She knows how much I love flowers, and with Boston getting colder it was surprising to see these delicate treasures doing so well. I guess these plants really do live up to their name.....shrubs for all seasons! Somehow seeing these photos brought a smile to my face, because even in harsh weather, beauty (as seen in these flowers) finds its way out into the world.

I was called to a special meeting between the DC Board of Professional Counseling (which regulates and oversees the licensing and practice of counselors in the District, of which I am the chair) and the director of the DC Department of Mental Health today. An issue was brought to my attention which has been preventing Professional Counselors from being recognized as independent and qualified providers of mental health services. I won't bore you with the details, but I have been thinking about this meeting all week. Most likely because this turfdom issue is prevalent throughout the District and unfortunately the Nation. Sometimes others (and I don't mean the public, I mean other mental health providers) need to be educated regarding the qualifications of my profession. So today, I came into this meeting with my facts and a great deal of passion. One of the skills I used to have, and I suppose I used it quite often when Mattie had cancer, was advocating for a cause or a person. If I am responsible for you, then honestly watch out, because you will most likely not want to mess with me while protecting this cause/person. Today, the head attorney for the DC Department of Mental Health, experienced this side of me, and by the time I finished with her, she was apologizing to all of us for NOT doing her homework! In fact, when the meeting was over three of my board's staff came to talk with me. Two of them have seen this side of me, which is most likely why I was asked to come to the meeting, but the senior deputy director of the DC Department of Health couldn't get over my transformation. He says I always look so sweet, yet as he saw, when I get passionate about a subject, I am far from sweet. Armed with facts and my convictions, I am a powerful force. By the time the meeting was over, I felt very good about myself. I saw a side of myself I haven't seen since Mattie got sick. A side that could think clearly, sharply, and had the energy to get people to listen and understand my point of view. It was an empowering feeling, and one I rarely feel anymore.

When Peter got home tonight, we went out to dinner, to our neighborhood restaurant. The irony is I am an avid Cheers (the TV show) watcher, and for Peter and I, this restaurant is our Cheers. Everyone knows us in there, what our preferences are, and they know all about Mattie. In fact, Mattie also used to go with us to the Magic Gourd. Somehow each week when we dine there, they surprise us with something else. Tonight the surprise was fresh blackberries for dessert. They were so wonderful, I ate Peter's share and my own. Peter got to hear all about my day today, and at the end of dinner, when I opened up a fortune cookie (Mattie's favorite part), I had two fortunes to read. Seems symbolic somehow of the day I had.