Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002, Mattie was four months old. This saucer was one of Mattie's favorite things to sit and play in. Right from the beginning Mattie had the desire to learn to walk. He strongly disliked sitting on the floor, despised tummy time (refused to do this!), and had NO interest in crawling. At first though neither Mattie or I appreciated this saucer. I did not like its huge footprint, as I took over my living room. As any new mom knows, it takes an adjustment period to see one's home transformed from a place where adults lived, to a full blown daycare center. I learned quickly. When Peter picked Mattie up and placed him in this saucer, Mattie was hysterical. He was frightened, crying, and wanted OUT! But since this was a gift, and it was assembled in my living room, I was determined to be open minded. So after about the third time Mattie sat in this seat, he LOVED it! He loved the freedom, the mobility it gave him with his legs and feet, and he enjoyed making noise and literally jumping up and down in this thing. As I was selecting the photo for tonight, I originally was going to pick a more recent photo of Mattie, however, I just did not want to see him sick tonight on the blog. This picture, to me, captured the potential and hope we had for Mattie, not unlike any parent who looks at their young child and wonders what he/she will become. However, in our case, we will never find out.
To Realize
To realize
The value of a sister/brother:
Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother Who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of a child or family member or a good friend:
LOSE ONE.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.
Time waits for no one.
Peter sent me this poem entitled, To Realize, today. The whole premise of the poem is absolutely correct and yet unfortunate. It is unfortunate that we take certain things for granted and expect they will always be there. When we lose them, then we take notice, and realize how lucky we were before the event in question happened. It is my hope that through my constant writing for two years that my readers have an enhanced understanding for the value of a child, and that you do NOT have to lose yours to grasp the pain, devastation, and uncertainty about the future as a result of such a loss.
I met Ann at the mall today, as she is planning a scavenger hunt this weekend for her daughter's birthday party. Ann has been working on this for a while, in order to generate just the right questions for the hunt. We went back today to make sure that the merchandise and window displays matched up with all the questions being asked. Somehow in all my trips to the mall, I NEVER ventured into two stores in particular, Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister. Well I have to tell you, I was absolutely taken aback as soon as I entered these stores. They are both owned by the same company, and Hollister is the California apparel version of Abercrombie. When I entered both stores, I frankly was assaulted by loud music, darkness (there are ABSOLUTELY no windows or natural light coming into the stores), misting machines releasing subtle fragrances, and pin spot lighting. If I did not see clothes displayed, I would have thought I just entered a nightclub. All of the employees in the store are energetic and friendly and greeted us with "what's up" or "hey!" Naturally these stores, I assume, appeal to a certain age demographic. But the atmosphere inside the stores intrigued me so that I went on line and googled the stores when I got home. I attached the links to both stores below. Why? Because I want you to see the pictures of the individual featured on both websites. I remember when I was teaching child and adolescent development, one of the issues my students would investigate was the role that the media played in teen body image development. I can't think of a more blatant message these stores are selling to our youth and I find it concerning on so many levels.
Abercrombie and Fitch: http://www.abercrombie.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/home_10051_10901_-1
Hollister: http://www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/home_10251_10201_-1
I had the wonderful opportunity to see Margaret today for lunch. As many of my faithful readers know, Margaret was Mattie's preschool teacher and is my friend. We shared several items together at lunch, chatted for hours, and covered a lot of territory together. When I first arrived at lunch I felt very anxious and tense, nothing to do with Margaret, but over time I began to unwind. I am sure Margaret sensed my feelings, but did not call attention to them. Margaret and I both enjoy restaurants with atmosphere, conversing, and not feeling rushed.
One of the things I discussed with Margaret is the concept of friendship. I have learned many lessons over the course of Mattie's illness and death about some of my friendships, relationships I had for ten or more years prior to Mattie getting sick. Some of the closest friendships I had, or thought I had, did not weather cancer. To me this was very surprising and hurtful at the same time. Mainly because in my mind friendships that last the test of time, I always considered to be more solid. But that isn't always the case, and Margaret and I processed that today and the feelings associated with the loss of friendships on top of losing my son. This is a topic I rarely talk about on the blog, but none the less, a topic that has been pervasive over the last two years. I do not want to elaborate on this further tonight, but I did want to mention that the aftermath of cancer does not always bond friends and family further together. Sometimes it severs it apart. As always I appreciated my time together with Margaret, the connections we share, and the memories captured of Mattie within her classroom. It is within Margaret's classroom that Mattie met Zachary and learned the beauty of having and being a good friend. Margaret and I talked about Mattie and Zachary's friendship and in many ways, they were soul mates. They were comfortable with each other, respected each other (though they had differences), and connected on a deep level. Some of us can spend a lifetime looking for that type of friend, Mattie found that friend on the first day of preschool.
This evening, Peter and I went out to dinner with our friend Tamra and her husband, Ken. I met Tamra when she signed up to be an involved member of Team Mattie. I never had the opportunity to get to know Tamra prior to Mattie having cancer, most likely because her daughters were on the upper school campus and Mattie was at the lower school campus. There were many families over the course of Mattie's battle who rose to the occasion to help us in incredible ways. People who we did not even know. I saw the saying, ordinary people doing extraordinary things, come to life before my eyes for over 15 months. I am always fascinated by altruistic acts. I remember my biology professor in college telling his class that humans DO NOT perform altruistic acts, that we only do things for others mainly because of our biological connectiveness to them. He would argue that people doing something for others, who they weren't related to, have ulterior motives. Rather cynical, and perhaps I believed that at one time, but Mattie's cancer helped me see random acts of kindness on a daily basis.
Tamra did not know us or Mattie, and yet something inside her responded to the Team Mattie call for help. I believe she began helping us initially because we were part of the school community and also lived in Washington, DC. The majority of families who attend Mattie's school are from Virginia. Tamra is also very familiar with the world of cancer and has advocated for individuals struck by this disease for years. So all of these explanations may help us understand why she initially got involved with our family. But the reasons our connection grew and evolved over time has to do with so much more than performing tasks. It has to do with several things such as feeling love for a little boy battling osteosarcoma. A battle she read about daily on the blog and saw first hand on several hospital visits. In fact toward the end of Mattie's life, Tamra came by each day at the hospital with coffee, tea and breakfast for us. Some days we talked and other days, she could see talking was too taxing. Our connections also deepened as Tamra can easily imagine the devastation Peter and I face each day without Mattie's presence. These are just a few reasons, but I think what causes people to do acts of kindness are very much intertwined with feelings. Though our crisis of caring for Mattie is over, Tamra still reaches out to me on a regular basis and sends me messages, drops off gifts, and foods and goodies she has cooked. I do not forget thoughtful acts, kind words, and heartfelt gestures, and Peter and I enjoyed the opportunity to celebrate Tamra's birthday and letting her know she is appreciated.
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