Tonight's picture was taken on November 3, 2007. Mattie went with Peter to his office on that Saturday to pick up things he forgot but needed for the weekend. As you can see, Peter had a huge dry erase board in his office, where he would strategize solutions for his business clients. That day, Peter erased part of the things on the board, so Mattie had room to create. In typical Mattie fashion, there was a glorious SUN, which was incorporated into almost every picture he drew. His sun always had a smiling face in it too, and you can see it here if you look closely. He also decided to draw a car and a tree on the board, and the product wasn't complete until he signed his name to it..... MATTiE! Mattie was still learning his lower case letters, but even when he did learn them, he still continued to sign his name all in capital letters, except for the letter i! I love this picture that Peter captured, and I loved the fact that Peter would take Mattie to the office, so Mattie could understand where and what his dad was doing during the work week.
Quote of the day: Empathy is your pain I feel in my heart. ~ Hospice Volunteer
I began my morning at 6am. Not a typical hour for me, since I have never been a morning person. It wasn't my intention to get up, but I was jolted awake. Not by a noise, not by our cat, but by a dream. In my dream, I was working in our kitchen but then decided to take a break and carry something from the kitchen to our second floor. I vividly saw myself carrying some sort of glass product in my hands and then saw myself exit the kitchen into our hallway. As I turned the corner in the hallway to go up the staircase, I saw Mattie standing and staring at me on the second step. He was wearing his navy sweat pants, and a navy and white striped shirt. He wasn't smiling, but looked upset. However, even in my dream I was so startled to see him, like I was seeing a ghost, I dropped the glass in my hands and it shattered in a million pieces. With that, I woke up, feeling startled and unsettled. I have been reflecting on this dream all day, mainly because I was troubled by Mattie's facial expression. Part of me wishes that I remained asleep so that I could have found out what Mattie was trying to tell me on the step. The figure of Mattie was healthy, there were no signs of cancer, but I wasn't sure if he was telling me he is upset or he is upset with me. But I remember that upset face very well. It is a very unnerving feeling to have a picture of your child's upset face with you all day, and unfortunately in my case, I have no way to rectify what I saw. Because the only way to alleviate my feelings would be to ask Mattie. However, this is the second time I have dreamt of Mattie, and in each visit he has come to tell me something, because he is upset. If you are a parent, then you know that one of your roles is to help your children when they are upset, and we do not always respond correctly, but we try all sorts of strategies because we do not like seeing our children hurt or sad. But what happens when you are unable to do anything at all? I realize this was just a dream, but what if Mattie is indeed upset and he is reaching out to me in some way and I can't help or do anything about it? It may sound far fetched, but I have a hunch I am not the only parent who has lost a child who has these fears.
I spent the day with Ann's son, Michael. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break and Ann was at an out of town conference with her daughter. Like Mattie, Michael has specific things that he is interested in, and can easily engage in playing them. Ironically, Michael and Peter have always gotten along together, and when we are watching Ann's children on occasion, they pair off together, and I have the girls. However, over the course of this year, Michael and I have had the time to spend together. We can not connect on sports, since this is not an area I relate to at all, yet, we have an understanding with each other. What I noticed today was Michael wanted my company. He wanted me to sit with him while he was playing, he wanted to talk while playing, and when I was engaged in a chore around the house, he would call for me to come back. This was SO reminiscent of Mattie it was scary.
I picked up Ann's youngest daughter, Abbie, and my 10 year old friend, Katharina from school today. Abbie is learning about multiplication and she instructed me today about the beauty of multiplying any number by one. While doing homework, Michael and I were making snacks. They have taught me how to make a peanut butter, marshmallow, honey, and banana sandwich. All very healthy items really, but somehow seeing it all put together makes me laugh. The more I laugh, the more inspired they are to eat. The beauty of children! I helped Abbie get ready for her gymnastics class today, and when it came time to do her hair, I asked her how she wanted to wear it. She basically told me that she wanted to wear it the way her mom does her hair. Fortunately I have seen Ann do this hairstyle before, so I knew what she was talking about, but I found it very sweet that she was thinking about her mom while she was away. Sometimes moms don't realize their level of importance and the significance of what they do, after all there is no financial compensation, no performance feedbacks, or daily perks and benefits. But it is in these subtle messages from our children where we can see the vital connections we have with them. These are the connections and moments with Mattie that I miss deeply.
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