Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken on Christmas of 2008. This was a particularly challenging day! However, the bright spot in the day was a gift Mattie received from his preschool buddy, John. Mattie was in a terrible mood and very edgy on Christmas, so in low moments like that, Peter and I would scramble and turn to our pile of Team Mattie gifts. When Mattie opened up John's gift, which included light up noses, hats, and antlers, he smiled. I captured Mattie and Peter acting silly, and for that moment I was so grateful for such a diversion. Team Mattie provided us with many diversions, meals, cards, videos, and moral support. Though Mattie is no longer with us, the kindness and feeling provided to us by others will remain with me forever.

Quote of the day: I don't care what they say with their mouths -  everybody knows that something is eternal. And it ain't houses, and it ain't names, and it ain't earth, and it ain't even stars -  everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you'd be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There's something way down deep that's eternal about every human being. ~ Thornton Wilder

Peter continued to feel quite sick today, so he basically spent the day in bed. I feel badly for him, because he rarely gets to take a break, and yet now that he has free time, he is sick and unable to do anything. I suspect that so many things have contributed to Peter getting ill, such as his intense work schedule, the stress he lives with daily from grief, and the whole change in his lifestyle (being on a diet and exercising). It is my hope that he feels better by tomorrow, since he returns home to Washington, DC on Tuesday. A week goes by fast, and in all reality this limited time makes it very hard to recover and heal together from Mattie's death.

My mom and I were able to start the day with our walking routine. We walked for about three miles and today took a different path. The journey brought us passed some fascinating trees. They were of interest to me because I knew I had seen them somewhere before. As I got closer to the trees, I noticed they were dropping tiny fruits that looked like grapes. However, what I quickly deduced was I was surrounded by olive trees, and the fruits all over the ground were olives. For someone, like myself, who LOVES olives, this was an amazing sight to see. Italy is well known for its olive trees and I can recall seeing these marvelous trees when I was growing up and visiting family. So in a way it was like being transported back in time.

Later in the day, my parents and I went to see a play entitled, Inspecting Carol. It was a spoof of Charles Dickens' play, A Christmas Carol. If Dickens could have seen this play, I suspect he would be doing somersaults! This play took a classic, with a moral message, and transformed it into a play with a political agenda. If that wasn't bad enough, I swear the play was directed by someone who has a case of untreated ADHD. As an audience member it was impossible to follow the dialog and understand the character development, because of the way characters flitted on and off the stage. Many times they were talking over each other, and honestly, I wanted to get on stage and moderate this disaster. I included a synopsis of the play below if you are interested in reading more about it. I later found a critique of the show we saw today and the critic basically said this show was "painful" to watch. I couldn't have agreed more! Nonetheless, it gave us an awful lot to talk about once it was over.


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Inspecting Carol is a comedic play by Daniel J. Sullivan, written in 1991 and produced by the Seattle Repertory Theatre.

This play is about a small professional theatre company in a midsized city. The company is filled with many different Characters from a married couple (Dorothy and Sidney) who think everything is not a big deal, to Phil the guy with chronic health problems, to Larry who always has new ideas to bring to the scripts, to Walter the war veteran who doesn't know his lines and is the only black character, to Luther the kid who is too big to be Tiny Tim, to MJ who is the Stage Manager trying to get the show up and running, to Zorah the flaky director and company owner, to Kevin who inherited their financial circumstances to try and fix. The play starts with MJ being on stage when Wayne comes in, Wayne is a data processor turned actor. He is a terrible actor and is asking to audition. MJ tries to get him out and he leaves for a little while. Zorah comes in and we find that rehearsals have been moving rather slowly,this is when Phil and Walter make their appearance. Zorah has a chat with Kevin to find that they not only lost half of their subscribers but that their 30,000 grant might be taken away completely. They have one more chance, an Inspector is scheduled to come watch A Christmas Carol. Here enter Wayne..and mistake identity happens. Everyone caters to Wayne thinking he is the inspector. Larry uses Wayne's power over Zorah to try and spice up the Christmas Carol script. All Hell breaks loose, its not until Act Two scene one at the end that Wayne realizes why everyone is catering to him. After he finds out he uses his power to gain a part in the show, in the midst Wayne fights Phil multiple times. During one of the fights the real Inspector "Betty" walks in. They do the version that Larry wrote of a Christmas Carol and again all hell breaks lose ending with Betty being knocked out. After Betty is out cold everyone is freaking out because that could be the end of their company. Just to find out Betty loved the show so much they have to do it again.
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My parents and I went out to dinner tonight. We went to Mattie's favorite restaurant in the valley. What he loved about this restaurant was the lion head fountain on the patio of the restaurant. Each time we took Mattie to this restaurant we ALWAYS sat outside by the fountain. One thing I learned about Mattie early on in life was he really did not like being indoors, and around a lot of people and noise. Taking Mattie out to eat wasn't easy, but if I could try to secure the right conditions, we would have a half of a chance of actually eating. Somehow the fountain at this restaurant intrigued Mattie and on some level he found listening to the sound of the water very peaceful. I suppose the apple didn't fall far from the tree. So tonight we sat at our usual table and I actually sat in the seat Mattie would take. It is ironic or impossible to believe that the chair, fountain, table, and restaurant can all continue to exist and yet Mattie is gone. It is hard to swallow at times, much less understand.

We received a lovely comment on the blog today, and unless my readers look at the comments section, they may not have read it. Which is why I am posting what Karen (Keaton's mom) wrote to me today. As many of my readers have been following along, Karen lost her son to Osteosarcoma in April of 2010. We were connected electronically prior to both of our son's dying, but now that we lost our sons, we both appreciate having each other to turn to. We have found that we share similar thoughts and feelings. To me this is quite unique and special.... to be able to be understood by a fellow mom. Since I sometimes find others can't possibly relate to the internal turmoil I live with. This also applies to other moms who have lost children. NOT every mom handles, copes, or processes the loss of a child the same way. I am NOT implying there is a right or wrong way to do this, but I am CERTAINLY saying that for me it helps to have found someone like Karen, who experiences similar struggles, thoughts, and feelings. We help normalize for each other a VERY unnatural situation! Surviving the death of a child is painful enough, but to survive it without having others that truly understand you is devastating.    

Karen wrote, "Also amazing that once again your words transcribed exactly the thoughts in my head, and put them into black and white! The article written by the other mother was also so descriptive of my own thoughts and needs. I'm considering re-posting it on Keaton's Caringbridge site, but some of my acquaintances seem to think I am targeting them whenever I try to show that there is a common bond in the way a lot of us moms feel and react after the life altering loss of our child. When you mentioned in a previous blog about your "toxic" feelings being able to harm a friendship, it so resonated with my own experiences, lately. Thank you for your support and validation of my sometimes misunderstood by those around me, feelings. Having someone I can connect with that actually does understand has helped me hang on, and try to keep in check the anger and resentment that sometimes radiates from within, as those around me, (who I know think they are being helpful), give yet another suggestion for how I should be handling my grief, or how I could be able to move on, etc. And yes, I know all the "professional" advice for grief therapy, all the relevant counseling tips, and am hopeful that some of it is actually relevant and meaningful to some who need and can use it. I really do not want anyone to have to be stuck in this same dark place where I dwell. But all I want is to move back, not to move on, even though I know my desire is absolutely futile, and of course not a constructive way of handling this life.
Yet, I continue to move, further from my Keaton with each passing hour, like Anna Nalick's song "Breathe" lyrics say....

"'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands"

Hoping Peter feels better, and your headaches are improving. I agree with your mom about the "sign" of Mattie's presence with you. I look constantly for those signs, myself. Enjoy your walks with your mom...those are really special."  Karen, Mother of Keaton for Always