Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002, Mattie's first Christmas. He was 8 months old. That year, our first snow was in the beginning of December. I wanted to capture that moment, and literally I dressed Mattie up in his Santa suit, dragged his entertainment saucer onto our deck, and wrapped a blanket around it to make it look more like a sleigh. I was jumping around in the background trying to get Mattie's attention while Peter was snapping the pictures. This was by far my favorite Christmas card photo of Mattie. It is hard to believe that such a cute and happy fellow could develop cancer and die. This picture captures his lovely smile, his energy, and his adorable cheeks.
Quote of the day: Some die without having really lived, while others continue to live, in spite of the fact that they have died. ~ Unknown
What a fabulous quote! It captures both the loss of Mattie and the grief that Peter and I are living with daily. Mattie is portrayed in the first half of this quote.... "some die without having really lived," while the second half of the quote applies to Peter and I..... "we continue to live, in spite of the fact that we have died." Died is clearly in the figurative sense and NOT the literal one. I do not have a vast support group of moms to turn to who have lost a child through cancer. But I know a few! I am thankful and saddened by this at the same time. My hunch is these moms would admit to the fact that a part or all of themselves died when their child died. Even those moms who have other children still alive to care for. Having other children does not replace the connection and love one has for the child who died. I think that is an easy misperception one can have, but on a couple of occasions I have been told from one mom in particular, who I met at Georgetown, that the pain from the loss of her child is too great to even raise her other children. As I observed this mom with her remaining children at the Hospital, I couldn't help but feel sick inside. Sick because I could visibly see how pediatric cancer ripped this family apart, and yet, I had and have no commentary or judgment, ONLY deep understanding.
Last night as I was heading to bed, a horrible wind storm commenced. However, it never stopped! The wind was gusting, shaking windows, and rattling just about everything. At 4am, the wind most definitely caught my attention, and I got out of bed. All I could think of is I related to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Fortunately the house wasn't transported anywhere, and when I woke up I wasn't in Oz, and there was no sign of the yellow brick road. It was nonetheless, a very blustery and cold day in Los Angeles. My parents took me to Calabasas today. Calabasas is in Los Angeles County and it is located in the southwestern San Fernando Valley and the Santa Monica Mountains between Topanga and Malibu Canyon. It is generally accepted that Calabasas means "pumpkin," "squash," or "gourd," derived from the Spanish calabaza. I had visited Calabasas many times while growing up in California. My parent's close friends lived there and we would see them often when I was in high school. However, like Santa Barbara, Calabasas has also changed greatly from what I remember.
While walking around Calabasas, I spotted a woman who had to be in her 80s. She was being braced between two people as she was walking. Each one was supporting her under her arm. The woman caught my attention because she had beautiful white hair and was wearing a very bright banana colored sweater. As I was walking toward her, I was chatting to my mom, but must have smiled at this older woman at the same time. The next thing I knew, the woman had stopped her companions who were helping her, and she waited for me to get closer to her. She stopped because she wanted me to know that she thought I had the most beautiful smile. My response to her was she had a beautiful smile too, which is why I was smiling at her in the first place. Though we went about our business for the rest of the day, this woman's comments and kindness stayed with me.
I told Peter about this interaction today and he found the whole thing quite eerie. As if this was some sort of sign or omen to me. My response to Peter was that I am not sure I agree with that, but I do know that when I smile at people, 90% of the time, they smile in return. I know there have been several psychological studies done about smiling. I included a brief overview of one below. But if you doubt what I am saying, try it yourself. Smile at a complete stranger, and you most likely will get a pleasant surprise. I recall at an early age that my grandmother would say, "you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." This simple adage happens to be true, and it has helped me in many circumstances in my life.
It is hard to believe in many ways that tomorrow is New Year's eve, and we will be moving into 2011. I have many issues with crossing over into a New Year, and I will elaborate on this on Friday. However, what I do know is that I am NOT the only parent who has lost a child who feels this way. On behalf of Peter and I, we wish our readers a safe and memorable New Year's eve, and the best of health and happiness in 2011. For all of you, who continue to read and stay connected, we are grateful!
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What if a simple smile could change a person’s behavior?
Previous research has shown that a person receives more help when smiling. Do we just respond naturally in a more friendly manner to someone who’s smiling? Or is it a matter of reciprocal altruism — you gave me something — a smile — therefore I’ll give you something in return. Or what if a smile simply enhances our mood — a positive mood — which in turn, enhances our inclination to help. A few years ago, two French researchers (Gueguen & De Gail, 2003) decided to find out.
As the researchers note, 800 passersby (400 men and 400 women), aged approximately between 20 and 50, served as participants in this experiment. They were randomly selected from passersby who were walking in a supermarket of a medium-size city (more than 100,000 inhabitants) in the west of France, in a good area of town.
Four men and four women, aged 19-21 years old, served as confederates in this experiment — they acted on behalf of the researchers. In half of the cases, the confederate smiled at the passerby.
A few seconds after this interaction, the passersby had the opportunity to help another research confederate who dropped his/her computer diskettes on the ground. The researchers tallied how many passersby stopped to help the second confederate, and whether they had been in the group that had seen the original confederate smile or not.
In the smiling condition, nearly 30 percent of the people stopped to help the person with their diskettes. In the non-smiling condition, only 20 percent of the people stopped, a significant 50% difference between the two conditions.
The results demonstrated that the previous smile of a stranger enhances later helping behavior. The researchers also found that female participants helped male confederates more readily than the female confederates, whereas male participants helped female confederates more often than male confederates. The researchers suggest this was a factor of “traditional roles of self-presentation in opposite-sex behavior” — in other words, typical romantic mating behavior was like the reason.
This and previous studies seem to show that the effect of a positive mood on helping behavior is robust and is very easily obtained. It thus appears possible that the effect of smiling on helping is mediated by a positive mood.
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