Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007 in Lancaster, PA. As you can see, Mattie and Vicki found a cut out to stand behind that will always be a reminder of our trip to Amish country. Mattie loved the notion of posing and pretending to be holding a puppy. A puppy that looks just like JJ, our resident Jack Russell Terrier, who practically grew up with Mattie.

Quote of the day: When he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars And he will make the face of heav'n so fine. ~ William Shakespeare


Good evening everyone, it is Pete who is writing tonight.  Oh brace yourselves, as I am not nor ever could compare to Vicki....

Given that it is presently past 9pm at night and it is still 97 degrees outside (without factoring in the humidity, which would put it well over 100 degrees on the heat index) and Vicki is planting, yes planting, outside, I am taking a shot at writing the blog tonight (in air conditioning of course).

So, today is day 681.... it has been 681 days since I last held my son in my arms, and said goodbye to him.  It's the kind of number one doesn't need to think about nor ever forget.  I am back from a world wind global tour of travel for work.  Seven days in Nigeria, then back for a day and a half, then off again to Seattle for three days.  All of this activity sounds very sexy and exciting, and while some who observe me think this is a sign of productivity, I see it as a sad sign, as a signpost marking a life of emptiness.  Yes, it sounds depressing, but it is true.  I had a wonderful life once... one filled with boundless energy, new experiences and most importantly, the promise of what tomorrow could be.  I had a son, a smart boy, a charismatic person... a unique and special individual who could dazzle you with a blink of an eye and at the same time shake you to the core with his brilliance and depth.  I miss him, so very much.... 

But that life has ended, and abruptly, such that I was and I am left with a feeling of utter emptiness. . . a felling I wouldn't wish on my own enemy.  Although we go about our day to day activities, Vicki and I are but a shadow of what we were, or what we might have been... and it is that sense of loss, the appreciation of what might have been and now will never be, that casts us into our demure and ever-persistent state of depression.  I love my son and I am so proud of him that I still, to this day, introduce myself as "Peter Brown... Mattie Brown's Dad," a title that I will never forget nor relinquish....

Time is never a close friend, but rather an adversary... one to keep a close eye on yet one we never want to yield to in its unending and inevitable march.  I reflect on myself and my life, and all I can think about is the past.  It is a wondrous past filled with incredible memories that I enjoy as often as I can.  However, it is the past, and not the future and that, alone reminds me that I do not live in the past, but I am here now, only without a very important part of me.

So, I wake up each day, get washed, put my clothes on and go about my day.  Although I do this each day, all 681 one of them, I do it without a piece of myself, a part of my heart, a part of my soul that forever is a part of me but forever is lost to me. 

So to those of you, who have your "parts" surrounding you, which for me is my Mattie, please give them a hug, tell them you love them, and hold them tight, and remember, there are those of us, who can no longer do that nor will we ever get a chance to hold the "parts of us" ever again.