Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011 -- Mattie died 104 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006 in Trenton, NJ. On our way up to Pennsylvania, we stopped in NJ to take Mattie to an incredible aquarium, The Adventure Aquarium. It was an adventure for all of us. When we exited the aquarium, directly in front of us was the Delaware River. I felt compelled to snap a picture of Peter and Mattie by the River, with Philadelphia in the background! 

Quote of the day: The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~ Henry Maudsley

There is great truth in this quote. One of my organs that weeps is my bladder. I went to see my urologist today, a woman I see every three months. I see her more often than I care to, but she is a very supportive person of my cancer endeavors and always asks about the Foundation and how Mattie Miracle is doing. Today there was a great deal of commotion in her office as she had a patient with dementia roaming the hallways without pants on. This lady wanted to be seen right away and did not want to wait another minute for the doctor. I asked the nurse if this patient was in pain, because I empathetize with anyone with bladder pain. It turns out that the patient wasn't in pain, she just needed assurance and attention. Needless to say, I felt for her and allowed her to have my appointment time, while I waited an additional 30 minutes. In the mean time, I had a good conversation with my doctor's resident and her nurses. By the time my doctor came in, she told me I looked ten years younger than the last time she saw me and wanted to know my secret. I laughed, because I DO NOT look younger, but she always tries to make me smile. We had a good old time talking about zumba and pilates and I attributed any differences in me to those activities!

Today seemed like a day in which one thing after another happened. I began my day with yet another flat tire. This was a completely different tire than the one that went flat two weeks ago. Fortunately this time I was in our parking garage and I just left the car there and used Peter's car instead. The rear driver's side tire was flat, this is the side of the car Mattie used to sit on. He always sat right behind me so I could see him in my rear view mirror. It just seems odd to me that on a day that marks Mattie's death, I would find my tire closest to his seat deflated. Mind you the tire was fine all weekend. My car was parked in our garage the whole holiday weekend, which makes it seem very curious how it went flat today.

I spent the rest of the day running chores. I have decided to make colorful cellowrap butterflies for Mattie's oak tree (located at his school) to acknowledge the second anniversary of his death. So I spent some time at one of my favorite stores, AC Moore, this afternoon getting materials. Tonight, I am working away on the project. In addition, on Saturday of this week, I am leaving town for 18 days to visit my parents in Los Angeles. Typically I do not travel in the Fall, but when Peter told me he had a project to travel to in San Diego in September, I decided going West to spend time with my parents would be a good idea. Summer was challenging and the fall isn't looking much better, and my parents understand this and want to help.

Before I headed home today, I went to spend time with Ann's mother, Mary. I tried to explain to Mary that I was leaving town at the end of the week, and if she does not see me for a while, there is a reason. The reason is I will be in California. I know she will not remember this, but some times I do things because they seem like the right thing to do internally.

I appreciate the many emails I received today from friends letting me know you are thinking of us today and on Thursday, the second anniversary of Mattie's death. Your thoughts, reflections, and feelings are all greatly valued. I had several text message exchanges today with my friend Tanja. We were talking about butterflies and she expressed how perfect the butterfly is as a reminder of Mattie. Since butterflies have a way of engaging and fascinating those around them, not unlike Mattie. It was a very touching comment, and quite poignant too since butterflies never linger in one place, and flutter by as quickly as they came. Seems to be true of Mattie as well.

I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, "Today is Tuesday...a Tuesday which nears a day I will never forget. The weather is changing signifying the loss of summer and also signifying the loss of Mattie. I am certain you are looking at Thursday and thinking that it seems like it was just last week or yesterday that you lived those moments with him on September 8th. It doesn't seem possible that two years have gone by... I have to echo last week's email to you. I don't know how you do it. But I do know it isn't easy. I admire you and think of you both often. More than anything else this week...I wish you the warmth of a Mattie hug to envelope and comfort you. Much love, on this Tuesday and every day."

The second message is from my friend and colleague. Nancy wrote, "Your description of the first oncologist was so vivid that I could feel your anger and resentment through the computer. Whether he ever really got it as far as being more attentive to his patients, he did get that the Brown family were a powerful force. As this Tuesday marks another week without Mattie, I wanted to send a special hug as this will be a double whammy week for the two of you. Please both of you be gentle with yourselves this week."