Monday, September 5, 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie always ventured with Peter on the weekends, and that particular day they went to Harris Teeter, a grocery store, and Mattie came home with a balloon and sugar cookies (something the store provides children who shop there with their parents). In any case, I am showing you this picture because Mattie loved balloons. Probably not unlike any child, but he loved them so much that he even saved them when they deflated. It was always hard to convince Mattie to throw away old balloons, but the thinking was it had to be done to make way for new balloons. Not unlike me, Mattie was sentimental about things and had a hard time parting with objects that reminded him of a person or event.

Quote of the day: There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~ Author Unknown


When I think back to Labor Day of 2008, I distinctly remember that Peter, Mattie, and I were in Georgetown University Hospital's PICU. Mattie was getting an infusion of chemotherapy and that was our first "holiday" we spent in the Hospital. Naturally as a first it was devastating, but over time we unfortunately learned to be confined and isolated in the Hospital for MANY holidays. Maya Angelou's quote comes to mind tonight.... "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Angelou's quote is very true and very telling because do you want to know what was the most painful thing about Labor Day of 2008? It may surprise you to know that it wasn't only the fact that Mattie had cancer and we were in a frightening environment of a PICU! The most disturbing thing that I can recall is how Mattie's first oncologist made us feel (and for my faithful readers, I am NOT referring to Kristen).  

On that Friday of Labor Day weekend (so in 2008, that was August 29), I will always remember Mattie's oncologist visited us before he went on his merry way for the day. He swooped into the room, in his usual narcissistic fashion, talked about himself, and then proceeded to tell us he was taking his whole family to see the Lion King musical that holiday weekend. In the next breath he went on to tell me that he was going to have a harder day than us because of the challenge of having back to back meetings. The final nail on the coffin was when he left the room and wished us a good holiday weekend. Any one of these statements would have been inappropriate, however, when taken altogether they were NOT only insulting but down right insensitive and toxic. This doctor quickly learned that when you tick me off, I am not going to be a little girl and cower in the corner! As soon as he left the room, I looked at Peter and asked him if he was as upset as I was by this whole interchange. He indeed was, but was more rational about it. I wasn't rational, I was irritated and wanted to teach this doctor a lesson (not only for myself but for all the other parents he did this to, who couldn't defend themselves!!!). So with that, I reached for my Blackberry and sent him a message that enlightened him about his demeanor and bedside manner. I explained to him that NO matter how hard his day was going to be, it couldn't compare to being stuck in a hospital by your child's bedside undergoing chemotherapy. In addition, I asked him how I could possibly have a good weekend living in a two by four of a room, sleeping in a chair, sharing a bathroom with another family, and worrying about Mattie's reaction to chemotherapy, and about Mattie's life in general. Are you kidding, HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND???!!!

Within minutes of receiving my email, this doctor called me on my cell phone to apologize. I spent the next eight months with this doctor (until we removed him from Mattie's case and replaced him with Kristen) enlightening him about his consistently poor behavior and inappropriate commentary. I should also let you know that this doctor once said to me in front of Mattie's art therapists and my mom, that he longed for the day when mothers (unlike me) just accepted what he said and did not challenge him! Can you imagine how I reacted to this?!

So what's the point? The point is it is three years later and I remember ALL of this like it were yesterday. I remember it because this doctor made us feel inconsequential. The medical profession must be concerned with human relations and emotions, because in the end, guess what? We are human and under times of crisis what we remember always is HOW YOU MADE US FEEL!

Peter and I had a quiet day today, but we did get out and walked on Roosevelt Island. I am disappointed that all the forget me not seeds I planted there haven't taken. I can't understand this, but I am determined. We saw a great deal of wonderful bird traffic on the Island and enjoyed being out of our home for a bit.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a Facebook comment I received from a fellow preschool mom, who also happens to be an ICU nurse. Kathy's message is in response to my blog posting from last night. Kathy wrote, "Yesterday I took care of a young woman that had become very, very sick after she gave birth to her twins. Something good happened yesterday. The staff was so happy everyone was smiling. We were talking and realized that it is so rare for us (in the ICU) to actually see good things happen. We see so much misery. Even if our patients "get better" and move out of the ICU, its oftentimes just temporary. No, physicians can not heal all wounds and no they can not take away our grief. It definitely is beyond our control."