Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Tuesday, August 28, 2012 -- Mattie died 155 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. When I came across this picture today, I chuckled. I laughed because so many moms swore by this bouncing seat. Basically this chair had batteries in it, so it would bounce up and down and also play music on its own. I remember being desperate to find something Mattie would sit in for half of a second, other than my arms. So I decided to purchase this chair. What a terrible mistake! Mattie hated it! He hated being seat belted into it and in all reality I think I could count on one hand how many times he used this chair.


Quote of the day: Life offers its wisdom generously. Everything teaches. Not everyone learns. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen


I think there is a lot of truth in tonight's quote. One of the incredible aspects of life is that there is always something to learn at every turn. One just needs to be open to it. I think as we age, we can fall into some false sense of complacence, thinking that we understand and know how the world works and that we understand those around us. However, focusing solely upon human dynamics, I think it is safe to say that there is a lesson to be learned everyday. Because of the complexities of each individual, it would be impossible to think that we know how someone is feeling or doing 100% of the time. Based on the experience and history we may have with a person, we may expect certain patterns and reactions from that individual. Nonetheless, the beauty of human connections is that they are fluid, changeable, and most of all require work, patience, compassion, and care. To stop learning, to be closed off to another's opinions and feelings, and to think one knows as much as possible about a particular field or subject, in so many ways signals to me a lack of wisdom. Wisdom is not necessarily knowing every fact possible, but it is seeing the beautiful opportunities within things and others around us, embracing them, and trying to learn from them.

I went back to my zumba class today, and it was a good way to start the day. I could have easily skipped the class, since I am all aches and pains from sitting at London's airport and on a plane for 16 hours straight, but I figured moving around would help. It did! After class, I went by to visit my friend Mary at her assisted living facility. Mary's caregiver was expecting me, and we all sat outside on the patio in the glorious weather for hours together. Seeing the sun and having warm weather are a welcomed change from the British Isles. Literally on our 15 day vacation, we had overcast weather and rain each day. Occasionally the sun would come out, but it never stayed out for long! This may explain why each of the countries we visited was so green and lush! However two weeks without sun was hard, so spending time outside today was a treat. Though Mary is unable to participate in our conversations, she enjoys hearing us talk about all sorts of things. While we were sitting outside, a woman and her family was sitting near us visiting a relative in the facility. This woman had a baby two weeks ago, and had the baby in her arms. I asked the woman to come over so Mary could see the infant. Mary loves children, and I had a feeling she would want to see this peaceful sight.

The woman sat down and chatted with us and was telling me how she is balancing a 20 month old and a newborn at home. She was talking about the unending laundry with a newborn, and I just nodded my head and tried to listen and empathize. She also told me her husband wanted a boy, but now has two girls instead. I told her I understood, but that as long as they are both healthy, it is a blessing. As I was looking at this newborn, I remembered Mattie at this stage. Some days it is hard to believe and accept that a healthy and active baby and child could develop cancer and die at age 7. After all, at two weeks old, he looked as healthy as the baby I saw today! I suppose this is not something I will ever comprehend, nor do I understand why Mattie or any other child for that matter is chosen to have cancer. I do sometimes pause though and wonder why some parents are forced to lose their children, not get the joys of watching them grow and develop, and in turn be singled out as DIFFERENT. Again, I have no answers, but on good days I can rationalize this, and on not such good days, it is easy to become bitter, angry, and resentful. Surviving the loss of a child is a daily battle of learning and processing, and the funny part is you just never know what things or people will trigger these learning moments.