Friday, August 31, 2012

Friday, August 31, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2002, the day Mattie was born. Mattie came into this world VERY alert and all his Apgar scores were high. All the indications that he was a healthy baby. Peter went with Mattie into the nursery to be cleaned up and weighed, while I remained in the operating room. In the process of giving birth to Mattie, his doctor found a tumor the size of a grapefruit on my bladder. So immediately after the c-section, I had bladder surgery. Though I had my own issues, I wanted Peter to be with Mattie. It was on that day, that I saw how vital a role an anesthesiologist plays within surgery. Dr. Mike will forever remain in my memory, because he did not only deal with my pain management, he was my surgery coach and talked me through everything that was happening to me, since I was conscious for the entire surgery.


Quote of the day: We must look for the opportunity in every difficulty, instead of being paralyzed at the thought of the difficulty in every opportunity. ~ Walter Cole

We began our day by walking with Peter's parents around their local pond, called Horn Pond. This pond is an mini oasis in the middle of the town, not unlike our Roosevelt Island. The pond attracts all sorts of wildlife and birds. We saw Great Blue Herons, geese, swans, ducks, and turtles. I just couldn't get over the aggressive nature of the swans, they had no problem taking on the geese or hissing at us if we got in their way.

We did various things today from shopping, seeing some sights around town, and then we met up with Peter's brother and his family for dinner. We got together as a family to celebrate Peter's parents anniversary. We ate at a restaurant in Newton, MA. Going to Newton always reminds me of my days attending Boston College, which isn't far from Newton's town center. In a way, it is like a walk back in time for me, or as I usually refer to it as.... easier times. We have two lives in a way, a precancer life and a postcancer life. When we sat down at dinner tonight, we had made a reservation for nine people, yet they sat us at a table for 10. It was glaringly obvious to me who should have been in this tenth seat! I am not sure if the restaurant just made a mistake by setting a table with one too many seats, or if this was a subtle message sent to us by Mattie. 

At dinner with us were our two nephews and our niece. We have watched them grow up over the years and yet when I am with them, I feel the absence of Mattie even more profoundly. It is also then in which I see just how different our lives are, and also how different our futures will be. Once I had Mattie, I assumed that our home would be bustling with family and friend activities as well as holiday gatherings. Not unlike how I grew up. I like to cook and I also like to host parties, but these two things seemed to have died right along with Mattie. Mattie's death is a grave loss, but the loss trickles down to every aspect of our lives. It is hard to accept this change, a change we never asked for, and at times it is hard to be able to put this into context and accept that others are happy, that their lives continue, and that they get to see their children happy, healthy, and evolving. A gift we were not given. If Mattie were only in that 10th chair tonight, our lives would be quite different today.