Monday, September 24, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie and Peter were playing with toy plastic food. As you maybe able to determine from this picture, both of them decided to scare me with their bug impressions. My reaction to seeing these bugs made Mattie laugh, and as such, he couldn't help but keep his (right) eye on me.
Quote of the day: Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. ~ Indira Gandhi
The loss of a child is a very complex and traumatizing grief. I have used the word trauma before on this blog. But I think it is important to know that the definition of trauma according to the American Psychological Association is "an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea."
In so many ways, I cope with not only Mattie's cancer battle and death, but also the trauma associated with this battle and death. I was fortunate to be able to have an enlightening conversation among friends today, and I came away from this chat with a new understanding of things. I felt heard and was allowed to express a whole range of feelings without being judged for having them. It is amazing the power of human understanding, and how such a bond and connection can dissipate at times some of the hostility, anger, and insecurities that lurk inside all of us. Within the definition of trauma it states that it can impact relationships, even close ones. Yet through my reflections today, what came through loud and clear in my mind is the word forgiveness.
As a parent, one of our main jobs is to protect our children. In today's world that is a complex notion in and of itself, but when your child gets cancer, you quickly realize just how helpless and out of control you are. Things in your world no longer make sense, and when your child dies before you, you are left a shell of your former self. But on some level I feel I have failed. I failed to help Mattie. This feeling alone can make me angry, bitter, and at times hostile. However, feeling understood, being able to dialogue honestly about some of my fears and insecurities, enabled me to realize that forgiveness must be incorporated into my grieving process. Somehow that seems like a revelation and a new perspective for me.
I am signing off tonight since I have a horrible head cold, and am hoping it doesn't turn into a full blown infection. Peter and I are going to Cape Cod this Friday, and though we just got back from a great deal of exciting summer travel, we needed some sort of retreat to manage the month of September. The month that Mattie died.
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