Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Tuesday, December 25, 2012 -- Mattie died 172 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken on December 5, 2002. Though we snapped many more photos that afternoon (four of which you have seen the past few nights on the blog), this was the photo we selected for our first family Christmas card. I liked it because you could see Mattie's eyes and smile! 


Quote of the day: No matter how much he talked, she never answered him, but he knew she was still there. He knew it was like the soldiers he had read about. They would have an arm or a leg blown off, and for days, even weeks after it happened, they could still feel the arm itching, the leg itching, the mother calling. ~ Pat Cunningham Devoto

 

I woke up this morning to the following four pictures. Peter went for a walk around Roosevelt Island. A place which holds a deep connection for us to Mattie. While walking Peter saw all the wonderful signs of nature that we so appreciate and which help us feel Mattie's spirit. A pond full of ducks was always a sight Mattie loved and enjoyed!

 

Along Peter's walk, he also spotted a hawk. In a way I felt as if Peter were including me in on his journey!

 

I know exactly why Peter snapped a picture of a Crinkly Hedge Apple! Mattie loved to pick these fruits up while visiting the Island. In fact, on occasion he would pick one up and take it home with us. So no doubt this picture was in memory of Mattie!

 

Here is our Roosevelt Island resident Great Blue Heron. The herons love to perch in this particular tree and we love to be able to spot them!

 

 

We spent the majority of the day setting up for a Christmas dinner party that my parent's were hosting. We have been preparing foods for two days! Before their guests arrived I wanted to snap a few pictures of us together. So here you can see my parents next to one of the several little trees we set up around the house.

 

My mom and I!

Peter and I continue on our journey with grief and as such we sometimes need very different things socially. Peter shies away from most social engagements and parties, yet a part of me somehow feels like I want to try going and reconnect with people now that Mattie is gone. At times however, like Peter, I too choose not to go to things because I just do not have the emotional energy or feel as if I won't fit in. After my experience tonight at this dinner, I can say that I have a much better appreciation for why Peter makes the decisions that he does about social gatherings! He is indeed correct.... sometimes these events can cause more damage than benefit! Tonight was just such an occasion.

 

One of my parent's friends said several things to me that practically sent me over the edge. In fact I am quite certain that if this person were my friend I would have verbally lashed out at him and put him in his place. In addition, I most likely would have concluded that he and I are not on the same wavelength and that overall he is both insensitive and should keep his opinions to himself. But he isn't my friend and therefore despite saying something to him, I did bite my tongue and spared him a lecture.

 

At dinner this couple had many questions as to why Peter is in DC and I am here in California. The answer to that is quite simple. Peter has no more vacation days and has to work. Yet I elaborated by saying that to most people today is Christmas but for Peter and I it is like any other day. After losing our only child, our world got redefined. Clearly this answer did not sit well with him, so he continued to dialogue with me. He basically asked me when I was going to get over "this" and move on with my life. He continued by suggesting that I go to therapy. I told him that I realize therapy can't solve my particular issue and that for the most part I function and am productive, but realize that grief over the loss of a child is something that will be with me throughout my life. He disagreed with my statement and then had the audacity to ask me why other parents who have dealt with the loss of a child handle it much better than I do!?? Frankly by that point I did not think the question merited an answer.

 

I continue to be plagued by the insensitivity of others and Peter is SO right. People can say hurtful things and they also can send you for a tail spin. Especially on a tough day like today. We are very cognizant of our friends celebrating Christmas with their children, which is why hearing such an insensitive comment like this does impact me. No one has the right to judge how I am dealing with Mattie's death, much less tell me what I need, or worse to compare me to people. Who are these people? I am always amazed when others tell me I need counseling, because they think others are doing better than me. However, ironically the majority of people in my life do not know many people who lost a child to cancer. So therefore, who are you comparing me to?! I on the other hand know several moms who lost a child to cancer and I can assure you we are a part of a special group and we are a group whose lives have been permanently altered. If you would like us to forget about our lost child and "move on," it isn't going to happen. I am simply incensed by this notion tonight and at times get very hurt that I have to justify myself to anyone. I shouldn't have to, grief should just be accepted, and understood. But once again, tonight illustrated to me that people do not have the foggiest comprehension of grief and it gets tiring to constantly have to advocate for one's self, explain one's self, and try to get others to see that the issues are not unique to me. However after a long day of cooking and cleaning, I have to admit I neither care to educate this man, nor am I apt to venture out any time soon and attend another social engagement.