Wednesday, December 26, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in 2003. This photo was used as the cover of our family Christmas card. This was Mattie's second Christmas, and at 20 months of age Mattie was VERY active, full of energy, and trying to get him to sit still for a photo was NEXT to impossible. Yet we thought creatively. We took Mattie to Lowe's and Home Depot. We put him in a shopping cart and tried to distract him with plants and lights and began snapping pictures. I am sure everyone around us thought we were odd, but that did not stop us. After MANY, MANY attempts, this was the picture we selected for 2003's card.
Quote of the day: There is an hour, a minute - you will remember it forever - when you know instinctively on the basis of the most inconsequential evidence, that something is wrong. You don't know - can't know - that it is the first of a series of "wrongful" events that will culminate in the utter devastation of your life as you have known it. ~ Joyce Carol Oates
I can't say that my mood improved much today after last night's fiasco. However, in my email inbox today I found a message from my friend and college roommate, Leslie. Leslie read my posting last night and reached out to me to let me know that while visiting family she turned on the radio and heard a story entitled, "Finding New Meaning in the Loss of A Son." I believe Leslie sent me the message to validate the fact that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. That other moms out there who have lost a child to cancer do express the same pains I do, continually, and especially during the holidays.
The main problem with grief is so many people do not understand it and want me to push it under the rug. As if that will make me feel better. However, asking me to do this actually makes me feel worse, unappreciated and completely misunderstood. I am tired of the ignorance and how some people can make me feel CRAZY! I have learned to tolerate it, but there are times when I am more vulnerable and therefore such insensitivity impacts me greatly. I am happy Leslie brought this article to my attention, and I believe my readers maybe familiar with Ronan, a little boy who lost his battle with neuroblastoma two years ago. The reason why so many may know of his story is because Taylor Swift created and sang a song about Ronan's battle recently in a Stand up to Cancer concert. Not all of us who lost our children to cancer have big named celebrities like Taylor Swift singing about the loss, but what this song did accomplish was it helped to raise awareness about childhood cancer and it raised incredible funds for the Foundation created in Ronan's memory. I have attached the article below in case you would like to read it.
Finding New Meaning In The Loss Of A Son
http://www.npr.org/2012/12/24/167977997/finding-new-meaning-in-the-loss-of-a-son
After I read the article, I then visited Maya Thompson's blog. Maya is Ronan's mom, and like me she writes a daily blog. I had the opportunity to read her Christmas day posting. Though Maya writes with expletives, which I rarely use even in conversation, our messages are similar. The title of her Christmas posting was..... Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights won’t be blurry from my tears? (http://rockstarronan.com/) I have attached an excerpt from her current posting...................
Ronan. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I was walking back to my car and I just f***ing lost it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. It’s been a few days since I’ve really cried and I guess I’ve been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldn’t control. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “F***. F***. F***. F***.” I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I won’t miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this won’t ever be the case. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I don’t live for myself anymore. This life I live now is not about me anymore. It’s about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally f***ed up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called.
The sentiments expressed by Ronan's mom really resonate with me. When she says that she no longer lives for herself, I completely understand. It is as if your mind and body become possessed and your sole mission becomes remembering and honoring your dead child. As harsh as that sounds it is the reality of the picture and perhaps we cling to doing for others because it is through this that it keeps our child alive. It also gives us a purpose and a mission, when the one true mission we had for years died. The loss of a child is pervasive, it affects every corner, fiber, and cell of one's being, and I can't think of anything more hurtful than when I see others around me not understand this and worse not allow me the space to feel the way that I do. Ironically, I remember learning while training to be a counselor the damage that one negative word can do to a person. So much so that it may 10 positive words and affirmations to repair such damage. It means a lot to me that several of my friends reached out to me today to combat this negativity. I realize this is the holiday season and everyone is busy, but words and acts of kindness are never forgotten.
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