Thursday, January 31, 2013 Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old and one of the things that could calm him down instantly and stop him from moving about was a bottle. A glazed look would come over him when having a bottle. It was a feeling of ecstasy I will never forget. My friend Charlie sent me today's quote. As I told her this sentiment is VERY true. Any quality relationship must be "watered." Not unlike a plant..... bonds between people do not grow, get enriched, and become stronger without nurturing. It is unfortunate in our busy world that sometimes TIME is used as an excuse for the lack of "watering" and investment we make in each other. Once a plant loses its water, it dies. It can't be resurrected, and in a way so it is true about the connections between people. May we all find the "water" necessary in our lives to keep those we care about nurtured and connected to us not only physically but emotionally.
I started my day off by going to zumba. This somehow always brightens my day. Though my heart and left leg weren't into it today, it did perk up my spirits. Since Mattie has died, I feel like I am one big physical ailment. I wish I could say some of my pains are psychosomatic, but my issues are always legitimate.
For the past two weeks I have been dealing with numbness in both arms and my left leg. I have had the arm numbness before in my life. That occurred when I gave birth to Mattie, I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. It wasn't from my over use of my arm, it was because of all the fluids I retained which put pressure on my nerves. Most women look somewhat normal after child birth, or at least within a month or two. For me, my swelling lasted for six months. In fact, the running joke was most people thought I was still pregnant when Mattie was six months old. Of course that wasn't too funny to me at the time! But with all of that, I have never had leg numbness. I figured my current pains were a muscle or nerve issue and it would go away, but it hasn't. So tomorrow I am seeing my orthopedist. Post-Mattie's cancer, I literally have a doctor for each day of the week. This is the magnitude of the after math of such a traumatic death.
I had the pleasure of meeting my friend Margaret today. Margaret was Mattie's preschool teacher and in 2005, became an integral part of all our lives. As I told Margaret today, the littlest physical issues now cause my mind to leap to cancer. It takes a great deal of rationalization to understand that every pain I have does mean I have cancer or am dying. I view this disturbed view of the world as a direct result of Mattie's cancer battle and death. I do not live a normal life like other people, for me the fuzz is off the peach. I have been hesitant to go to the doctor because frankly I am just tired of having SO many of them in my life. But not knowing what this is, is also stress producing. So tomorrow morning I head to Virginia Hospital Center to find out what is going on.
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