Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. We took Mattie to Lancaster, PA that weekend. Outside one of the stores was this cute statue of a Holstein cow. I LOVE Holsteins, maybe because of their black and white pattern, I am not sure. But at one time, I collected all things that were cow themed! Clearly you can see I passed on that love to the next generation! Mattie gave a big hug to Ms. Cow and Peter snapped that moment in time. It was no surprise to us that Mattie loved "the cow." Mattie loved milk and all dairy products in general. He couldn't get enough cheese, yogurt, ice cream, and forget about drinking milk! He drank it like water! My joke with him was he was my human cow.
Quote of the day: If you do not tell the truth about yourself you can not tell the truth about other people. ~ Virginia Woolf
Virginia Woolf's quote is a very telling and meaningful quote that resonates with me. The truth is important to uphold and to speak, but telling the truth is not always met with happiness and joy. Because at times the messages one has to deliver can be strikingly painful and revealing when received. We as human beings are constantly changing and evolving. Some of the changes occur developmentally due to age and the natural progression of life and aging and some changes occur without warning and are unexpected. Such as Mattie getting cancer and dying, in our case.
I would say that no matter how or why we change the one commonality we all have as human beings, is the desire to socially connect, to have an identity and to fit in, in some way. But the truth which becomes more abundantly clear over time for Peter and I is....... it isn't easy to fit in. Who do we fit in with? I could sugar coat the truth and the reality, but the reality is as parents who lost an only child to cancer is that, we do not fit in with our former social group.... so that is heart breaking, we do not fit in with parents who have children battling cancer (and I might say our story also makes these families VERY uncomfortable because we portray exactly what they do not want to see, face, or even think about!), and I personally find it challenging to interact with families of childhood cancer survivors. I find within our interactions with survivors that our outlook about biological research and the whole cancer battle in general are very DIFFERENT! So now what?
Again, no answers! Just the truth and the reality, a reality that changes with each year that Mattie is gone from our lives. Such a reality couldn't possibly be felt within the first or second year after Mattie died, but instead got established over time. Which is why I am constantly plagued by our society who thinks that it is only the first year of grieving that is the worst for parents. It maybe the most raw, but once the rawness dissipates, a whole new world of grief opens up that can be just as painful and just as enduring.
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