Tonight's picture was taken on October 7, 2007. We took Mattie to a park along the Potomac River that Sunday afternoon. Peter brought a soccer ball with us to help Mattie learn some skills. Of course in tow, I brought a picnic filled with all sorts of Mattie items. It was a gloriously warm October day, we were altogether and we really did not have a major worry in the world. Who would have known that a year later we would be battling childhood cancer.
Quote of the day: At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me -- some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability, and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel better, they sat in silence (much better than saying, "You'll get over it," or "It's not so bad; others have it worse") and I loved them for it. ~ Harold Kushner
As my friend's husband is planning her funeral, I reflected today on what it was like for Peter and I to walk through the doors of a funeral home when we had to make decisions about what to do with Mattie's body. As I told my friend, this is a surreal experience. It isn't like you dissociate from what is going on, but I would say you are consciously aware of the fact that your body is in a funeral home and you are talking and making decisions, and yet on an emotional level you are just not there. Almost as if a part of you is watching a TV movie, and you are the observer not the participant. It is classic shock and though we all may have heard and use the term shock, it is another thing to be living with it.
We fortunately decided to cremate Mattie, because we needed time to plan his funeral. Typically in the Catholic religion funerals happen within three or so days after a death. However, we were in no condition to plan a funeral or even attend one. So we waited a month. Mattie died on September 8 and his funeral was on October 10, 2009. However, before Mattie's body could be cremated, we had to discuss the kind of metals in his body. After all he had three prosthetic limbs and metal pieces that were implanted in his body for cyberknife. I still remember this discussion and I also remember receiving ALL of these metal pieces back in a bag after Mattie was cremated. The metal pieces looked horrifying actually and it was hard to imagine them in a child's body.
Overall however, I do not like attending funerals. I did not have this problem before Mattie died, but now I most definitely do. In fact, I won't attend a funeral unless actually asked to be there. From my perspective a funeral (though I am sure every grief and loss expert would disagree with me) is not about the person who died. That person is gone and there is no amount of praying, hoping, and so forth that is going to bring that person back or is it the time to change the dynamics of a relationship. A funeral is for the living, and if those who are alive request your presence, then it probably is important that you go, and find the strength and stamina to attend.
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