Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. This was one of our favorite things to do, going to Butler's Orchard and taking a hayride to the pumpkin patch. I am not sure what Mattie loved more. The hayride, pulling a wheelbarrow with Peter as we collected pumpkins, or picking pumpkins from the actual pumpkin patch.
Quote of the day: We understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we love. ~ Anne L. de Stael
secretions accumulate in the throat and upper chest. This description doesn't do the sound justice because it has to be one of the worst and most terrifying sounds I have ever heard. Mattie experienced this and to me it was watching hell on earth. In addition to this gurgling and choking sound, which sounds deep and reverberates everywhere, there is usually agitation that comes along with it. Not everyone who dies experiences the death rattle, but when it is happening I have learned that death is imminent. Of course no one really prepares you for this, or warns family members... but I have learned through experience. Therefore I knew my friend was dying today or tomorrow.
I remember after Mattie died, our oncologist assured me that Mattie wasn't in pain throughout the death rattle. That this symptom bothers caregivers more than the patient because noisy breathing occurs at a time when the dying person is unaware of it. It is truly hard to accept that the death rattle does not cause discomfort for the dying person. Mainly because when you watch someone experiencing it, it seems like they are struggling for air. I have read this fact too, and to some extent loved ones need to accept this notion because the alternative is continual disillusionment about not being able to prevent this horrific pain.
My friend and I met in preschool. Her daughter, who is an only child, and Mattie were in the same class together. Helping this family while my friend was still alive seemed a lot easier because there were tasks that needed to get done. However, today what I realized is this family went from being a threesome to now being a twosome. Just like me on September 8, 2009 (the day Mattie died). In addition, I am a mom who lost her child, and my friend's daughter is a child who lost her mom. This whole notion was truly overwhelming today and I could have easily walked away to protect myself and my feelings. But I did not.
I will never forget September 8, 2009, or the feeling of us packing up Mattie's hospital room for the last time and leaving in our car from the hospital. That vision lives inside of me always. Because even in that moment, I had the where with all to know our lives as individuals and as a couple had permanently changed. But one thing I learned about grief is that you have to define it for yourself. If you aren't ready to feel something, then you shouldn't and that helping someone through grief do mean talking about what happened and memories of the loved one. Reflecting on happy memories is important and it does happen in time, but it doesn't happen right away because of the trauma experienced. One really needs to work through memories of the illness and the death. As I told this family today, facing grief and trying to cope with it is truly accomplished when you are surrounded by people you deem as safe. Because even while performing everyday tasks, if you are around people you trust and these people understand that any and all emotions are normal, then learning to face the reality of one's loss and the pain associated with become possible.
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