Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. It was a typical occurrence for us to walk Roosevelt Island every weekend. Mattie was happiest when he was outside. Notice the red Lightning McQueen toy car he was holding. Classic Mattie..... as he always went out on walks with something in his hands.
Quote of the day: If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath. ~ Amit Ray
While I was in this tube today for 20 minutes, I couldn't help but pause and think of Mattie. He coped with countless MRIs and the whole notion of seeing the scanner sent him right into a panic. Which was why Mattie had to be sedated for every scan, making scanning days a production because Mattie did not wake up happy from sedation. Sedation typically left Mattie angry and aggressive. While hearing the very loud noises within the MRI, I tried to imagine what it is like for any patient worried about a cancer diagnosis. The fear of such a diagnosis is intense and then compound to it with very loud noises for a prolonged period of time, and you have the perfect recipe for anxiety. Ironically while thinking about Mattie and our experiences with MRIs, I could feel myself getting anxious toward the end of the scan. Yet you have to remain perfectly still and in the same position, otherwise it screws up the test.
What this reminds me once again is that Mattie may not be alive and we may not be actively coping with cancer, however, cancer and its ramifications continue to be a part of our lives. Mattie's cancer has changed me as a person.... from what interests me to how I function, think, and feel. Of course no one talks about these long term psychosocial consequences on family members, but they are real and not just a Vicki/Peter thing.
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