Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was visiting my parents for Christmas. Since it took Mattie days to get on California time, we were always up VERY early the first couple of days after we arrived. Try 4am! In any case, Mattie had this lovely room to escape to, where we kept him very busy. Mattie rarely sat down, but why I captured this photo was because this TV show, called Oobie, which was on the Noggin channel was a Mattie favorite. So much so that it
Quote of the day: Grief is never something you get over. You don't wake up one morning and say, 'I've conquered that; now I'm moving on.' It's something that walks beside you every day. And if you can learn how to manage it and honor the person that you miss, you can take something that is incredibly sad and have some form of positivity. ~ Terri Irwin
If you want me to tune out almost automatically, then you supply me with a how to list. I admit I am not wild about how to lists period, regardless of the subject matter, but when it comes to grief and loss, I truly can't stand them. I typically find them too prescriptive and trite.
The list you see on the left, is definitely more thoughtful, flexible, and open. But its down fall is it seems time specific (e.g., REMEMBER that this holiday will be different than ones in the past). Specifically geared to those who maybe dealing with the upcoming holidays for the first time after the death of a loved one.
The first Christmas (let's say) after losing a loved one, people around you may definitely be open to communicating with you about how much you can handle and what you may want to participate in with others.
However, as the years go by, such a list is not only unhelpful, but such factors aren't even on the radar scope of others around us. In their minds, we survived the worst (holidays during the first year) and therefore we can manage. In a way, things return back to normal. Well not normal for the bereaved individual but normal for those around us.
What surprises me is this holiday greeting was sent out by an organization that is supposed to understand and respect grief. Yet how does such a greeting apply to someone like myself who is 9 years into child loss and counting? What I would have loved to see in this list is the simple opening statement reflected in tonight's quote..................... grief is never something you get over. NOW that is honest and such honesty is needed in our society as it relates to grief. It is hard enough to cope with the actual loss, but when societal expectations, myths, and platitudes are added to the mix, it further compounds the loss and makes us feel isolated, misunderstood, guilty, and hopeless.
Lastly, the PLAN ahead portion of this list troubles me. It would bother me regardless of the loss being new or sustaining. Planning is the exact problem...... we can plan and think through what might be upsetting, or what strategy to use if we find ourselves becoming upset. But here's the thing, what catches us off guard are things that WE DID NOT plan for, and with human interactions you can't possibly imagine every scenario and how to plan for it. It is the unexpected triggers and thoughtless comments that wreck havoc and can provide great instability to us. These comments and triggers are like tidal waves, that we have to learn to navigate in order to come up for air and survive. I think the problem with saying PLAN ahead, is that it sets up a person for failure. Because 9 out of 10 times, it is the unexpected that causes great pain. When we are faced with the unexpected scenario, it isn't uncommon for the bereaved person to blame one's self, as being ill prepared and for not having thought and planned ahead. So now we are dealing with grief, anger, and guilt wrapped up into one. Which is why planning ahead, though designed to provide empowerment and control, can actually do the exact opposite.
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