Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Tuesday, December 11, 2018 -- Mattie died 482 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was in Los Angeles visiting my parents for Christmas. Mattie fell in love with my parent's fruit trees. He loved picking oranges, lemons, and grapefruits. Though picking was fun, sorting by shape and color was much more appealing. Literally Mattie could do that outside for hours. He was my little Farmer Brown!


Quote of the day: The best therapist has fur and four legs. ~ Goldenstars

There is some truth to tonight's quote. No matter what kind of day we have, Sunny is always thrilled with us. Wants to be around us, is eager to be close and part of the family, and simply exudes happiness to have us in his life. 

This evening, I mentioned to Sunny that he got a Christmas present from a friend. It was as if he knew I was talking about him and he seemed to understand the notion of a gift. I put the gift bag down and sure enough his snout was in the bag exploring. Sunny got a squeaky donut. He had a ball playing with it. It is these simple moments in life that I try to reflect on and celebrate. I am so happy Sunny is in our life, as he brings the outside world in for me. 

I have to say that 9 years after losing Mattie, I still find certain conversations difficult. For example, today I met a woman while walking Sunny by the Potomac River. I see her on occasion because our dogs play together. Today she asked me what I do for a living. Once I told her about the Foundation, I went on to explain why I created it in memory of Mattie. She listened and wanted to hear more. But after which, she asked me..... why not have other children? I can't tell you HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE HEARD PEOPLE ASK ME THIS!!! In the past that question would have incensed me to no end. Now with time, I realize that people are just uncomfortable with child loss. I also know they can't possibly believe replacing Mattie with another child is going to make things better. However, I do believe that asking or offering that as a suggestion helps them try to find a silver lining in this nightmare. Or perhaps they think another child would provide me a ray of hope, or little being to love and nurture.

This is yet another example of growth in myself. I can't say that Mattie's death gets easier, but I am learning to live with it and therefore how to interact with others when they ask or give me their two cents about my loss. I think it is natural to ask a bereaved parent about other children, but life doesn't always give you what you want. But even if it did, having more children wouldn't negate the trauma we observed and continue to live with each day.