Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and by this time, he understood what Christmas was all about. I wanted to snap a photo of Mattie in front of our Christmas tree for our annual family holiday card. Certainly this could have been the photo I used, but it wasn't. Thank goodness for digital photography, because I must have snapped 20 photos until I finally landed on one that I thought captured the beauty of Mattie.
Quote of the day: Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. ~ Aristotle
Aristotle was correct, it is very hard to express anger appropriately. The right degree, time, purpose, and way, is so well stated. Tonight I am just angry. My life is hard enough, with tasks from the moment I get up until I go to sleep, but then factor in extraneous feedback I get from others around me, and I want to blow. People who are watch what I am doing and have commentary. Certainly there is a lot to comment on, but this evening, I ran into my neighbor, who claims to want to be supportive and be a sounding board. But it isn't helpful to hear that I need a therapist and my parents need to move into an institution. This negates my feelings and frankly I think I am quite sane and managing better than most people could, so I do not need a therapist.
All of this reminds me of when Mattie died. I can't tell you how many people said I needed therapy. NOPE, I did not need therapy then either. I just needed to surround myself with people who understood trauma and grief. Being a caregiver of older adults is another topic that not every one grasps. But every family dynamic is different and what might have worked for you, may not work for me. Regardless of what I may need, being prescriptive with me is a major turn off.
It is hard to believe it is the week of Christmas, when in all reality, each and every day feels the same for me! As I told my neighbor tonight, if I had a free hour (which never happens) I certainly wouldn't be using it for therapy. Instead, I would prefer to take that hour and reconnect with friends. Or better yet, I haven't gotten my hair cut in a year! So literally I have basic human needs that I would want to meet first before thinking about therapy. Either case, I am incensed and I kept my anger to myself, as this neighbor doesn't know me well, and I think her heart is in the right place. But truly if she wants to help, then why not have my mom over, take a walk with her, or find a way to give me an hour of freedom. My neighbor is in her 70s, not my age, and one would hope she would share commonalities with my mom. Of course this is just a pipe dream, because early on I had mentioned these ideas to my neighbor, and clearly she doesn't feel comfortable meeting with my mom.
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