Saturday, August 9, 2025

Saturday, August 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on August 8, 2009. Mattie absolutely LOVED "Speedy Red." This was Mattie's last wish.... to have a ride-on vehicle, a vehicle he had wanted for at least two years (the request started when he was healthy). Of course my perspective on this massive request changed dramatically given the circumstances. I am so grateful our commons area was flat, paved, and enclosed. It made for the perfect space to learn to drive! Though I have to admit, Mattie intuitively understood the mechanics of driving and even though I sat in the passenger seat for his first few attempts, he really did not need much coaching. He was a natural, as he understood how to use a brake, gas pedal, and the art of steering!

Quote of the day: People who are hiding truth deep within themselves will live a life cloaked in total anxiety. ~ RJ Intindola 

This morning, I had my alarm set for 7am. But with the fans going, I clearly did not hear it. First off, Indie no longer comes upstairs in the morning. She is frightened from all of the fans! She is my natural alarm clock, as she is usually meowing before my alarm. What jolted me awake at 8am, was my mom moving about. Thankfully I heard her, otherwise, I would never have gotten up, got the morning routine going, in time for my dad's physical therapy session at 11am. Given that I use my phone as my alarm clock, and I did not hear the alarm, my fear was something was wrong with my phone. If you have been following along all these months/years, then you know that technology is NOT my thing. If I had a problem in the past, I always turned to my husband. I also get attached to things, so I have an old iPhone (11, to be exact). I don't even like changing and updating my phone. Naturally when I have issues with sound and or anything else on the phone, I wonder.... is the phone dying?! What will I do?! I have had MANY WHAT WILL I DO moments since my husband left. 

Some days, I can tick along, and not focus on my loss, and other days, it is much harder. Today was one of those hard days. I can't help but hear about vacations and other "normal" things people are doing. For example, my neighbor's were in Italy and I can't help but pause and think to myself.... aren't you lucky to have a stable and committed relationship. Something I thought I always had. Truthfully I look at most people around me, and what I immediately can determine is THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! I met someone today in my neighborhood, who knows my story, as he observed the tragedy unfold for himself! He greeted with Good Morning....are things better now? Seriously, how do I even respond!? No one wants to hear the reality and frankly after 37 years with one person, does someone honestly think I could easily heal from this level of abandonment and betrayal? I am attached to an old iPhone, so connect the dots to how I must feel about people. Given that you are a blog reader, I know you have already connected these dots a long time ago. 

This morning's fun was my dad's allergic reaction to his high blood pressure medication. They changed his medications at discharge from the hospital, without knowing how he was going to respond to any of these changes! I always LOVE this! Any case, for a week, I have watched the reaction unfold. It always starts with my dad scratching his legs non-stop. It almost looks like his legs were attacked by a kitten. This week, the intense itching moved to his arms and this morning, his elbows, fingers and forehead had what I called goose eggs on them! Big swellings. At that point, I had enough. This medication needed to be stopped before he was unable to swallow, or it impacted his breathing. I literally called his cardiology practice and thankfully his cardiologist was on call this weekend. I gave it to him, and he agreed, my dad has to go back on his former meds! He also acknowledged that it is impossible to get an appointment with him, and he is going to have his staff call me on Monday! Any case, I am trying to manage my dad's intense itching and scratching, before he causes an infection in his skin. His primary care doctor suggested I give my dad Benadryl today. I am always hesitant to do this, given he doesn't react well to this anti-histamine. But today I was desperate and bought the kid's version and gave him half of the dosage you would give a 12 year old. We shall see!

This afternoon, I took my parents out for lunch at the local diner. On an aside, our server gave me a piece of toast in the shape of a heart!

I was lucky enough to get the one disabled parking spot in front of the restaurant. When I got out to help my parents (I now have to help one at a time get out of the car and to the restaurant), a woman approached me. She offered to help me. She then went on to tell me that her mother died 13 years ago and her mother-in-law just died. What she said to me was she is emotionally lost. I told her I understood and the length of time that someone died is meaningless! It is a forever loss. She then proceeded to tell me that her husband has lost his mind! Truthfully she had me laughing. I then asked her whether she and I were living the same life? Any case, she was extremely kind and she turned to my mom and told her how lucky she was to have such a devoted daughter. Needless to say, this woman caused me to pause, because I have to ask myself..... how can a complete stranger understand who I am so well, and yet my husband of decades can't see the person I have always been, and that is a woman devoted to the end to the people I love. 

At 5pm today, the Semper Dry guys came back! Hallelujah the floor, walls, and ceiling are dry! If I had to listen to those fans one more minute, I was going to lose it! One of the guys commented on this photograph in my mom's office. Here is the funny part.... he thought this ballerina in the photograph was me. He says I look just like her, a classic beauty, and I move like a ballerina. I told him this was the best compliment I could ever receive, because the woman in this photograph was the famous ballerina, Margot Fonteyn posing with Rudolf Nureyev. My mom won this photograph at a school auction when I was a little girl and I practically grew up looking at this photograph. Despite how awful I feel physically and emotionally, the fact that I received several snapshots of kindness today, touched my heart. 

Friday, August 8, 2025

Friday, August 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point we knew that Mattie's cancer had spread throughout his body, and he was going to die. Mattie requested that my husband put up his big camping tent in the living room for us to sleep in! This tent was gigantic and took up practically our whole first floor. Mattie always wanted to go camping, but since we couldn't make that happen, we went camping in the living room. Literally we had an IV pole right outside the tent hooked up to Mattie, a pain pump and portable oxygen all in the tent with us. One of us was with Mattie at all times, even at night, because Mattie was unable to walk and had a Broviac catheter hanging from his chest, therefore, he needed supervision and support. I remember those days, they are ingrained in my mind, body, and heart..... as I was working under the worst of conditions, on only a few hours of sleep a night. But I would have done that ten times over, on the quest to cure Mattie's cancer. 

Quote of the day: It's strange that, despite all of the advances, no one has ever measured how much emotional pain the heart can hold. ~ Wahi Noor

It was a hard morning. It took me over an hour to get my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs. Though I prop my dad up with about twenty pillows at night (behind his head, under his legs, and arms), he still migrates to the edge of the bed by morning. Fortunately I have a bedrail, otherwise he would be on the floor. When I ask my dad to straighten his body out and move toward the middle of the bed, he can't! He physically can't and cognitively he has no idea how to accomplish what I am asking! Yet I can't move him either! So this evening, I purchased a wedge side pillow, because I am hoping I can prop him up more securely at night. I am concerned about his safety in bed and when he migrates to the edge of the bed, he is also twisting his back making it very painful for me to move him in the morning. Once I did get my dad up this morning and into the shower, the bathroom games began. I had to assist him back and forth five times and truly by the fifth time, I felt like I went ten rounds.  

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I decided I better head to Lowe's before going grocery shopping. Our contractor has asked me to give him some idea about bathroom tiles and the vanity I wish to use to replace the things damaged in the flood. Perhaps a renovation is exciting or fun for some people. For me, all I can focus on is that it is yet another task and chore I have to do without my husband. When we bought this house in 2021, we worked hard together to make it a home. With him leaving, I have been forced to figure out everything, and I mean everything!

The way that insurance works, is it pays you for the equivalent of things you lost in the flood. So I selected these five sinks, to focus on, and hopefully I can  narrow my choice down to one! Given that the bathroom space is small, I am looking for light and bright, as it will make the space look bigger. 

The second choice. 

A third choice. Not in blue, but imagine it in white, with black hardware. 

A fourth choice!

Fifth choice. 

Keep in mind that the bathroom still has its original tiles around the shower. So whatever I choose has to pair up well with the original tiles, as I am only replacing the floor tiles. I love hexagonal tiles, but when I brought this sample home and put it in the bathroom, I hated it. 

I found these pebble tiles today. They spoke to me because I am most happy in nature. There is something about these tiles that reminded me of the outdoors. I am trying to track down white penny tiles as well and will make my way to Home Depot next week. 

After checking out of Lowes, I headed to the grocery store, which is about ten minutes away. When I got out of the car to go into the grocery store, I was looking in the car for my sweater. I literally was frantically looking for it, because I knew I brought it with me inside of Lowes. This happens to be a sweater I have had for years. To me it is the perfect summer sweater, not too hot and not too cool. I quickly realized.... I lost the sweater at Lowes. So instead of going grocery shopping, I got back in the car and drove back to Lowes. I checked the parking lot. It wasn't there! So I went into the store and started at the check out area. I literally asked the man working at the counter if he saw my sweater! Magically he said YES! He found it and was hoping I would come back for it. Finding my sweater made my day! But I typically am not as scattered as this, so it speaks to my level of exhaustion. Needless to say, I got back into the car and had to go grocery shopping! When I got home, I dealt with groceries, laundry, and and other tasks, just in time to take my mom out for tea. Another day, where I feel like I am living on a perpetual treadmill. 

Thursday, August 7, 2025

Thursday, August 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point, we knew that Mattie's cancer had metastasized and that he was going to die. One of the things Mattie always wanted, even prior to getting cancer was a big ride on vehicle. Prior to getting cancer, this request was always met with a NO. It was an expensive toy, that I figured would be exciting for about a week, and then Mattie would move on. However, when your child has cancer and his wish is to drive a ride on vehicle, guess what? YOU GET THE RIDE ON VEHICLE. That day we bought the car and assembled it on our deck. Mattie named it "Speedy Red." I will never forget how Mattie took to driving like a duck to water. He had a natural understanding for the gas and brake pedals and to this day, I still have the steering wheel from Speedy Red. As Mattie got weaker and weaker, we had to lift him into Speedy Red, while hooked up to a pain pump and a portal oxygen machine. As long as Mattie was able, we made his Speedy Red wish possible. 

Quote of the day: Every day she felt unnerved by how reasonable her love and her fury, which had become one, seemed. She spent most days feeling stunned, aware only of a sort of rage swirling loose inside her like a rainstorm gathering speed, and it frightened her to think of what might happen if she were to let it implode. ~ Huma Qureshi (book: Things We Do Not Tell The People We Love)

This morning, I left my parents at the breakfast table, while I went upstairs to the bathroom, so I could leave the house and take my dad to his foot doctor appointment. When I came back downstairs, I found my dad sitting in the chair I left him in, but while seated he was moaning and sliding the chair along the floor. He was trying to reach his walker to go to the bathroom. As I observed what was going on, I went over to help him immediately and then started screaming! In fact it was a day filled with screaming. I can tolerate a lot, but I can no longer tolerate disrespect, cluelessness, and selfishness. To this I put my foot down. I asked my mom whether she was observing what was happening right in front of her. Of course she didn't, as she had her nose in her phone and wasn't paying a bit of attention to my dad. 

Before leaving the house, I told my mom that the water removal people were coming back this morning. Since I wasn't going to be home, I told my mom that she had to oversee what was going on. When I got to the foot doctor appointment, I noticed all the staff in the office had completely changed. The doctor's assistant escorted us to an exam room and got my dad set up for his appointment. When I asked her what happened to the previous assistant, she told me that she was accepted to medical school. Literally without a filter on my mouth, I said.... this was the last thing I expected to hear. This previous assistant was a clueless wonder. She had a dopey expression on her face, never made eye contact, didn't get to know us (and we are there every 9 weeks) and the list goes on. I can't imagine her in the field of medicine, much less becoming a doctor. 

When my dad's foot doctor came in, she proceeded to tell me about the assistant that got into medical school. I told her I don't view this as a good career fit. My dad's foot doctor did not like my attitude, as she proceeded to tell me that this former assistant was very bright and a hard worker! My response was, I have no doubt that is true! But that doesn't mean she will be a good doctor. The foot doctor said that she wrote a glowing recommendation for this former assistant, and again without a filter, I said, I am sorry! Which translates into, that was a mistake. The foot doctor then snapped at me and asked me what my credentials are, at which point I told her I have a PhD, I am a licensed mental health provider, I run a childhood cancer non-profit, and have extensive experience advocating for patients in the healthcare system. I then told her ALL doctors for the most part are bright, but what distinguishes any doctor from an outstanding doctor, is that an outstanding doctor is capable of listening, getting to know their patients (beyond the numbers/data), to be compassionate and to include patients in their health care decisions. Truthfully this foot doctor didn't know how to handle me! Her reaction to what I was saying is that her former assistant will learn these psychosocial skills in her residency! At which point I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Residencies do not award physicians for their compassion and humanistic qualities, in fact, I would say residencies train doctors to dehumanize their patients. I can't tell you how many residents I endured during Mattie's treatment and I wouldn't be as bold as I was today, if I did not have countless examples to corroborate my opinion. Well I thought she was going to lose it, and we agreed at that point not to talk to each other. 

Keep in mind before having this discussion about her former assistant, the exam started by learning that my dad was in the hospital for most of July. Do you think she asked me how he was doing? Is he better? NOTHING. Instead, after hearing he was in the hospital, she asked how we have spent our summer? She let us know that her summer was busy with family weddings and other events and she was tired of having all these events every weekend in the summer. Truthfully, can you imagine how I felt hearing this??? So I had this clueless dialogue followed by the one about her former assistant. 

When I got home from the appointment, I walked into the house and immediately panicked. I heard a high piercing sound that almost seemed like an alarm. I literally went room to room trying to figure out what was going on then noticed this big fan outside the bedroom with the flooded bathroom. I located my mom in the house and asked her what was going on!? Turns out she had NO IDEA. While the water removal people were working in the house, she was doing her walking routine and didn't oversee the process or ask questions. This led me to have a full blown melt down. 

What you can't tell from the photos is the intense sound in the house! The fans are incredibly loud! Deafening almost, I can practically not hear myself think. It is like living in a wind tunnel! Then of course, on the half hour, my dad asks me why we have the fans and can I turn them off! If I could turn them off, I would, but they must remain on until Saturday night! 

I had a contractor over today to discuss the repairs, but this will mean more legwork on my behalf, as I will have to pick out tile, a vanity, and other things myself! In my free time, time which I never get. 

This afternoon, I went outside for a minute or two and my SUNNY hibiscus was all abloom!

My tribute to my beautiful dog, Sunny! He brought sunshine, love, and loyalty into my life. A boy never to be forgotten! 

Wednesday, August 6, 2025

Wednesday, August 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on August 6, 2009, the day after I learned that Mattie's cancer diagnosis was terminal. The next day, we met with Mattie's oncologist to talk about next steps. Actually she handled that impossible conversation quite well, as she said, there was always HOPE! Yes she understood we weren't fighting for a cure anymore, but she said the goal was to focus on dignity and pain management. What she said resonated with me, because it gave me a mission. I needed something because the notion of Mattie dying was too much to handle. This photo said it all! We left Mattie in the outpatient clinic with his art therapists and one of his nurses. When we returned from talking to his doctor, look at how Mattie was looking at me and trying to read the situation! Mattie knew he was dying before anyone else, and frankly it was amazing and disheartening that a 7 year old understood this difficult concept.

Quote of the day: It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Last night I decided to call my homeowner insurer at 10pm. Remember, I am the girl who never paid a bill, managed finances, or interfaced with contractors and insurers. I always relied on my husband! I wanted to make the call on the same day that the water removal company came to assess the damage. I also knew that I had to take my parents to a doctor's appointment this morning, and therefore I wouldn't get the time to do this important task. I spoke to a lovely agent last night, her name was Tanya. Her first question to me was..... how are you, are you okay? Truly this woman gets a gold star! She couldn't have been kinder. I was on the phone with her for about 40 minutes, and I detailed the issue, how it happened, and the next steps in the process. She provided me a claim number and that was exactly what I needed to provide the water removal company. Truthfully I can't say enough about Semper Dry. If you have a water issue, they should be your first call. Every person I have interfaced with has been amazing. 

I took my parents for their rehab doctor appointment today. This is the doctor who accepted my dad into his acute rehab program in the hospital during July. The doctor was beyond impressed with my dad's recovery. The doctor and the nurse credit me for how well he looks, and they understand that I push my dad to exercise and walk daily! It is the only way to keep him somewhat independent. After the appointment, I took them for frozen yogurt. While having yogurt, I got a call from Semper Dry, they were on their way to our home.  

The Semper Dry team gets an A. They could tell that I am a Type A person, and they assured me they were going to protect the staircase, furnishings, and so forth. They also told me they vacuum while doing the work to prevent dust build up! Music to my ears. One of the fellows, is currently experiencing a water issue in his own home, so he has a personal understanding for how devastating this is! Needless to say, they made what could be a difficult process, more manageable. Nonetheless, it is still overwhelming and my dad asks on the half hour what is going on!

When they removed the bathroom tile, I can't tell you the smell! It was foul! Mold was beginning to grow and it impacted the sink and vanity! Amazing how fast mold can grow, from water damage!

Right now this office door is closed. A big fan is blowing in it and in the bathroom! Thankfully I can shut the door and not see it. I am not as lucky downstairs. 

This is what my first floor looks like. They have taped up the dining room to prevent dust from blowing around. I await to hear how the ceiling looks. They are cutting it down as I am typing. 

I am told that the average drying period is three days. They will check on it daily, and hopefully I will then figured out who will do the reconstruction. My neighbor wrote to me today because she could see the countless trucks in front of my house. I explained to her what is going on and her reaction was DEAR GOD... how much more can you manage?  I don't know the answer to that question, but what I do know is today I am grateful for Jake and Savari, my Semper Dry angels. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2025

Tuesday, August 5, 2025 -- Mattie died 806 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken on August 5, 2009. How do I know? Because it is a day I will NEVER forget. On that day, I learned that Mattie's cancer metastasized throughout his body and that he was going to die. Mind you Mattie's doctor did not believe that was as sick as I was reporting. I get it, as Mattie completed chemotherapy only six weeks earlier! However, Mattie wasn't eating, drinking, and was complaining of pain. I was told that Mattie was manipulating me and was developing an eating disorder and an addiction to pain medication! Maybe so if he was an adult but NOT a seven year old! I wasn't buying it! I finally demanded that Mattie get scanned. That day, my worst fears were confirmed. During difficult moments, Mattie and I headed outside to the hospital rose garden. Near the garden was this beautiful elephant sculpture with pretty tiles all over it. In fact, one of Mattie's nurses created a Curious George (named after Mattie's curious left leg -- the only leg not operated on) tile in his honor. We snapped a photo of Mattie by the elephant and then went to the rose garden. It was in that garden that Mattie crawled out of his wheelchair and wanted to sit in my lap and hear the story about the day he was born. It was a story Mattie never got tired of hearing and I never got tired retelling it!  

Quote of the day: But pain's like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There's no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface. ~ Katie Kacvinsky

Today I reached an all new low.  It is almost 10pm, and I have finally stopped moving for today. In fact, while typing, I was practically moved to tears. Remember I am not a crier. I feel that overwhelmed, disgusted, and upset.

This morning, Cody came over at 10am. Cody is my plumber. He came to assess the upstairs bathroom that leaked into my dining room. Cody confirmed my fears. There is NOTHING wrong with the plumbing, the issue was my mom has flooded the bathroom while showering. I have told her about my concern before because when I check her bathroom daily, many times I have found water all over her bathroom rug, but never a flood on the floor leading to water pouring into my dining room. 

Cody said it was imperative that I get a water expert into the house to assess the problem. He connected me with a company he works extensively with and in less than an hour, I was talking to that company and had an appointment with them this afternoon. Meanwhile, there were many other issues in the house that Cody had to help me with, as we are going through everything to prevent any other floods or leaks. He was literally with me from 10am to 4pm. Get the picture on the amount of work he did today? 

Despite the pressure I felt over plumbing issues, my mom likes going out at noon or 1pm each day, so I had to juggle her needs. I told Cody, he understood, and I left him in my house for hours alone. That is how much I trust Cody! Cody is beyond disgusted with my husband. He can't get over that someone would leave me, much less leave me managing the impossible (a home, caregiving, and everything it entails). Cody says there is NO excuse for this whatsoever. 

While out with my mom, I did not sit still long, because my car was also being serviced, so I was answering those questions, paying for it, and then the company which mediates water damage called me back and said that a project manager was coming to my house in ten minutes. I literally left my mom at Starbuck's and ran home. So let's do the math, this afternoon, I was single handedly juggling the car service, the plumber, and water remediation. 

When I met with Oscar, the project manager, he used his gizmo which reads water moisture in walls and floors. Turns out I have 99% water in the bathroom floor, bathroom wall, and dining room ceiling. What does that mean? It means that all of this needs to be ripped up, professionally cleaned and then big fans need to be set up to dry each of these locations. It is extensive and then I need to hire a contractor to dry wall, tile, and repaint. Oscar believes that my home owners insurance policy will cover this, but I did not have time today to open a claim because after picking up my dad at his memory care center, I had a Foundation board meeting. After that 90 minute meeting, I had to cook and serve dinner, and then help my mom move all her things from the damaged bathroom, to the bathroom in my husband's office. As an aside, I still refer to the office and bathroom as my husband's. I never removed his towels! Why on earth not? I think a part of me still can't accept that he left! Cody had me laughing today, when I told him that my mom was moving into my husband's bathroom, his immediate response was........... OH NO! YOU HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER NAME FOR THAT SPACE! ANYTHING ELSE WILL DO!

I am on overload and as my mother in law said to me today, I agree with..... what I face each day is cruel and unfair. I couldn't have said it better. I feel like I have reached an all new low tonight, as days aren't getting better, just worse. 

Monday, August 4, 2025

Monday, August 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point in time we knew that Mattie was dying. As you can see, he was on oxygen all the time. Sitting next to Mattie, was his cancer buddy and mentor, Jocelyn. Though Mattie and Jocelyn were very different ages, they both had osteosarcoma. Mattie met Jocelyn early on in his treatment process, and Jocelyn helped to normalize the hard reality of surgery. With bone cancer the only way to remove a bone tumor, is to remove the entire bone. If that happens, then a prosthetic bone is put in its place, or if the tumor is too extensive, then an amputation is needed (which is what Jocelyn had). Now that I reflect on this photo, I have to pause and say how brave Jocelyn was to sit with us in that moment in time. After all she was fighting the same disease and it had to be crushing to see her 7 year old buddy dying. Jocelyn was an amazing friend to Mattie and a great supporter of Mattie Miracle up until the day she died. It is a hard reality that both of these young souls were taken too soon.  

Quote of the day: Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. ~ Arthur Miller

When I tell you there is NEVER a dull moment on the farm, I am NOT KIDDING. Last evening, I was outside weeding. While walking about, I noticed a red light reflecting off of our fence. I was confused where this light was coming from, so I walked toward it. It was on our generator. In 2021, after moving in, we installed a generator, because we were concerned with my parents living with us, we could not be without access to power. I service this generator religiously every October. So I was stunned to see the red light! Mind you I had NO IDEA what it meant, but I knew it wasn't good. Then to add insult to injury, I had a whole string of lights along the driveway NOT WORKING again! Literally I was ready to flip out last night. I came inside and at 9pm, I text messaged our electrician. YES I have the personal cell numbers of my electrician, plumber and HVAC person. They all work for a big company, but they have worked with us extensively, since 2021. So when I text message them, they know I have a problem. In fact, do you know that my plumber text messaged me on my birthday! These are amazing men, who are devoted to their families and are devastated with what has happened to me.

At 7:30am, Bob text messaged me and told me he was coming over at noon to evaluate the generator and lights! If that was my only issue, I perhaps could have kept it together today, but OF COURSE NOT! While vacuuming the kitchen, I was stunned to see a puddle of water on the dining room floor. Seriously at first I thought maybe I spilled something by accident, until I looked up! The door jam was raining and I quickly deduced that this was coming from my mom's shower! 

There is a whole seam in the dining room that is showing water. Needless to say, at 8:30am, I text messaged Cody, my plumber. I showed him photos and within minutes, he got me on his schedule for Tuesday morning to come over and figure this out! I also can't access any of the water sensors in our house, as I was not the one who created the account originally. So hopefully Cody will be able to give me back control of my own water sensors. Truly this water issue has sent me over the deep end today! Why? Because any issue means money, money of which I did not budget for in August. Needless to say, I have told my mom that she can not use the bathroom, and I have relocated her to another bathroom. 

While waiting for Bob today, I decided, I HAVE GOT TO HANG THESE PAINTINGS! I figured I better do it before I get derailed with another problem or issue. I measured, and measured, and measured again. It is hard to do this solo, but I did it! The painting on the right features Sunny! He has been immortalized! 

I wrote to Kim, the artist, and showed her the art framed and on the walls. She was thrilled to see this and I am proud of myself that I got this project done and that I had this vision to begin with! Of course my original vision was for four paintings, but I am grateful to have at least two out of the four. 

When my dad saw the paintings this afternoon, you want to know what he said? He said whose house is in the photographs?! He did not recognize the house and has no recollection of Sunny!

Sunday, August 3, 2025

Sunday, August 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. It was Mattie's first week in the hospital, to start chemotherapy. We were all very edgy, nervous, scared, and truly frightened over what this journey was going to look like. The adjustment of living in one's home, to living in a two by four of a hospital room was tremendous. The room they put us in initially had NO shower. If you know anything about me, then you know my day can't start without a shower. I literally pitched a fit, and the next day they moved us to another room in the unit. Don't get excited however, because all the pediatric rooms SHARED showers with the room next door to them. In the age of viruses and germs, it is remarkable that this arrangement still exists. But having lived in the hospital for 14 months, it was amazing what we got used to. This photo was taken right outside Mattie's hospital room. Mattie's child life specialist set up a painting station and we worked hard at trying to change the tone and the mood of the day. That week was the only time Mattie wore a hospital gown. After that point, we followed Mattie's lead. His clothing choice in the hospital was always pajamas. So we developed quite a collection for him!

Quote of the day: She never seemed shattered; to me, she was a breathtaking mosaic of the battles she’s won. ~ Matt Baker

I am still at it with my family room wall. I rearranged the template configurations this morning and hopefully tomorrow I will get to measuring out the hooks for the first painting so I can get it hanging on the wall. I am trying to take my time with this, because I want to get it correct. I truly can't believe it is August, and that September is just around the corner. This September, will mark two years that I have lived life without my husband. Have I gotten used to living a single life? NO! Do I like it? Absolutely NOT! I certainly can acknowledge what I have single handedly accomplished since he left me, but even with that, I can't believe this is my life. I have had to learn all sorts of things. Literally it took me over a year to figure out that I had NO control over the thermostats in our home. Thankfully my HVAC company came over and helped to reprogram the system. But now I am having similar issues with our water sensors. Sensors which tell me if there is a flood in the house! I have just learned that these sensors haven't been working since my husband left. So I am trying to get down to the bottom of this problem too! When I tell you I am tired and exhausted, that is putting it mildly. 

I took my parents out for brunch, the place we visit every Sunday. We haven't been to this restaurant for three weeks, since my dad's hospitalization. Today, Cheryl (our server) celebrated my birthday! I had a lovely meal and Cheryl took a photo of all three of us. When I saw the photo, I wanted to delete it. It is a visual that shows just how all this heartache has impacted me physically. To me, I looked worn out and sickly. 

They were featuring a fresh tomato salad today! So we all started with tomatoes. My husband used to grow tomatoes and I can't tell you how many wonderful tomatoes were produced on our property. Now I refuse to grow a solitary vegetable. 

 

I ordered trout, green beans, and fresh corn with tomatoes! 

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I try not to eat a lot of ice cream! However, I have to admit, it is one of my favorite things! So this was my treat for today.