Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Poem of the day (Thanks Charlie!): Being There by Debi L. Pettigrew

You can open up your heart

And find that special place

Where compassion and true giving

Are awaiting your embrace.

"Today I'm thinking of you in a very special way"

Or how about, "I love you!"

Are some loving things to say.

Sometimes a very simple task

Like picking up the phone,
Can help her feel not-so-quite

Desperately alone.

Whatever comes from a genuine heart

Cannot be said in vain

For the truth is,

it's these very things

That lessen her great pain.

And when you let her talk about

Her child, who is now dead,

You'll know this is far greater

Than anything you've said.

So will you reach out with all your soul

And let her know you care?

For in the end, there's no substitute

For simply, BEING THERE!

When planning Mattie's reception, I felt that there needed to be activities available for the children in attendance. A great deal of thought was put into this room. Peter and I want to thank Christine Cooper and Ellen Gehrs for heading up the coordination of this room, and for bringing activities, food, and movies for the children. I think this kept the children engaged and also allowed parents to attend the event. In the children's room, there were also grief activities planned to help the children process the loss of their friend. Carrie Barone (my teaching assistant; a doctoral student at The George Washington University; a licensed mental health professional) and several other wonderful doctoral students at the George Washington University served as grief counselors within this room. I would like to share an e-mail Carrie sent me regarding the experience. Carrie wrote, "I hope this finds you as well as to be expected. I am sorry I did not have the opportunity to offer my condolences to you, Peter, and your respective parents on Saturday. I stepped out of the Children's room once to see you and your receiving line was long and it was a incredible gathering of people. I really wanted to be there for the grieving children so I was unable to take part in the grieving and emotional part of the reception. I did not want you to feel offended that I was not mourning with you. I had a hard time leaving without doing this but as a Therapist, I knew it was best for me to process my work with the children that night. I feel the other therapists had similar feelings and thoughts. Please note, there were four other incredible Doctoral students who graciously helped in the Children's room: Yeowon Yoon (art therapist), Margaux Brown (spec ed teacher, counselor), Taylor Ann Daniel (school counselor) and Lindsay Mitchell (mental health counselor/ grief). This was a wonderful team and they truly felt, experienced, and processed the grief the children carried with them. They all thanked me for inviting them to this experience and we debriefed on this touching experience. Mattie would have been so proud of all the humanity, love, and joy in the air in the Children's room. Please know we were thinking of you, Peter and Mattie while working in the room and sharing others' memories of Mattie. The children were great and very sincere in their art work. They worked hard at capturing their Mattie memories to take home and carry with them in their hearts. The children were so creative, one child drew a cockroach on her rock, another wrote I (heart) Matte and others had beautiful designs of faces and symbols. They shared with us their favorite memories of Mattie and how they knew and met him. They talked about their beliefs in him being in heaven and other beautiful stories. They were truly wonderful and resilient children. Thanks again for thinking of me and including me and others in your time of grief and loss."

Tonight's pictures feature the children at Mattie's celebration of life reception. We were very moved to see so many of Mattie's friends in attendance. It is a very hard decision for a parent to make as to whether to take a child to a funeral service. With that said, I feel the children's presence added an important dimension to the celebration. Just by having them around brought a feeling of life and energy to the event. I have no doubt Mattie was looking down and smiling at his friends on Saturday.


Left: Mattie's friends, Abigail and Elizabeth, preparing to sing a "Mattie Song" to all of us before the balloon release. Right: In the children's room, they had the opportunity to participate in a grief activity. This activity was hosted by my teaching assistant, Carrie Barone and several other GW doctoral students: Yeowon, Margaux, Taylor, and Lindsay. I thank all these talented ladies! In the picture, the children are working on decorating a stone as they transform it into a memory stone.

Left and Right: The children wrote messages on butterfly shaped papers (thanks Jenny and Jessie). These papers were taped to the red balloons (Mattie's favorite color), and then the children released the balloons, so that Mattie would receive these messages of love in heaven. It was a very touching balloon release, and even how the balloons floated up into the air was magical. The balloons seemed to dance up into the air, but not independently. Many of the balloons clumped together, like groups of friends heading up to heaven to give Mattie a hug. It was a sight I won't forget anytime soon.

I received this lovely e-mail today from Cameron's mom, Leslie, regarding the children's room. Cameron was a kindergarten friend of Mattie's. Leslie wrote, "Your service for Mattie was lovely. It was one of the nicest, most well thought out services I have ever attended. Every detail had a special meaning. All the pictures and art work and books were a wonderful memory of Mattie. You should have seen the children’s room. Children were everywhere-- painting, writing notes, snacking --it was full of energy. Cameron enjoyed doing all the various art work. He wrote on his butterfly which was attached to the end of his balloon that went up into the sky, “Hi Mattie. You were a good friend. Cameron.” He also signed the big butterfly, “Cam.” The children’s room was such a good idea. It gave them an opportunity to congregate and work on art for Mattie. It was a lot of fun and I know Mattie was with them in spirit."

The children also surprised us with a special song they created. They generated the lyrics themselves, and we want to thank James Cooper for playing the guitar and helping the children rehearse for their debut. The song lyrics are below, and I could tell everyone present was deeply touched by the children's thoughtfulness and love for their friend. I truly believe that creating the song, performing it for all of us, participating in the balloon release, and having the opportunity to create a memorable craft were all wonderful ways to remember Mattie and help the children heal and come to terms with the loss of their friend.

Mattie song

music and lyrics created by Mattie's friends

Mattie had a nice life
But now it’s time to go
To heaven above
To God up there
He’s going to have
A better life above

Mattie was a great friend
Always loving Scooby Doo
Think of him everyday
He’s terrific too
Interested in nature
Loves to play with bugs

Mattie was a great friend
Through all the rough times
But now he’s left
To God Above

To God Above

As for us, Peter heads back to work on Monday, October 19. Voxiva, his company, has been incredibly generous with us regarding the use of compassionate leave. I can't thank Peter's boss, Grant, enough for his sensitivity to our situation. A situation that in all reality will be a part of our lives now and into our future. As October 19, rolls around, I wonder what impact Peter's absence during the day will have on myself. I have yet to really deal with Mattie's loss, and without Peter around, our home will be VERY empty. I suppose I need to take it one day at a time. But now that Mattie's funeral and reception are behind me, and I no longer have the opportunity to help Ann with her dad, I find myself truly stuck and without a purpose. I find myself retreating, and feeling lost, empty, and confused. I have had the opportunity to go out with my parents this week, and while out, I find that I see many children running around and interacting with their parents. It is hard to accept that this is no longer my world. I just can't seem to come to peace with this, and I also find that I want to stop these parents that I see and let them know how lucky they are to still have their children present in their lives. I can assure you it is very hard to fall in love with your child, and then have to give this child up along with the sweet, innocent, and beautiful love associated with this relationship. Time is supposed to be the greatest healer, and what I really think is that this is just a cliche! You DO NOT and CAN NOT get over the loss of a child. No amount of healing is going to help!

I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It was a privilege to be there at the celebration of Mattie's life, to see all of his creations and to hear the comments from those who knew him well. The seeds Mattie planted in our hearts will bloom long after even the seeds you gave us to plant in his honor will. I don't think I will see the sun, the moon or a rainbow again without thinking of Mattie and the special place all of these had in his life. I wish you a space of time to enjoy the positive feedback and comments from one of the most touching and meaningful life ceremonies I have ever been privileged to attend."

The second message is from a fellow SSSAS mom and friend. Liza wrote, "Katie and I were so honored to take part in the service and reception for Mattie. We were able to stay until the children released their red balloons in honor of Mattie. Ah ha, the Red Balloon, one of my most favorite films - truly meaningful. We had to leave then because Tommy had Swine Flu and I didn't want to leave at home too long. He had been sick for days with a high fever and although, we would have loved to stay to the end, I felt that we needed to head home.Tamra had asked me to come to Visitation on Saturday morning since she felt my expertise in art could help. It all took my breath away - just handling each and every piece of art - all of them treasures..... It gave me the idea that I would love to work with you to carefully inventory and catalog each of Mattie's pieces if you would like me to. It would be a pleasure to help you and Pete.And so, this whole weekend made both Katie and I take pause and reflect on things and what has happened in the past year. I simply cannot put into words how blessed all of us feel to have shared this past year getting to know Mattie, you and Pete. Your dear, sweet Mattie stole my Katie's heart and she will be forever changed for that as will I. Tom felt so badly that he couldn't join us on Saturday to pay his respects too. He is my quiet and sensitive one who reminded us all yesterday that we have much to be grateful for. I can say that I feel so very fortunate to have met so many wonderful, kind and thoughtful women and men. This whole experience has brought us together as an extended family, a truly amazing family. You and Pete will always be part of our family and we will hold you near and dear to our hearts forever and always."

The final message is from a fellow SSSAS mom and friend. Debbie wrote, "The afternoon slipped by very quickly, filled with so many sweet moments. I regret that I never spoke to you and Peter in person at the reception. My hands were full with Tim and Eliza, who participated in the events of the day with great gusto!The funeral and the reception to honor Mattie's life were beautiful. What a tribute to your precious son! I am not sure that I am able to say this in a way that makes sense, but as I reflect on the afternoon, I am in awe of the experience. The words spoken were spiritual, earthy, funny, angry, reflective. The music soared, from the beauty of the the violin to the sweet voices of KW to Abba! The food was simply, elegantly scrumptious. The children loved the goings-on in the children's room. The photographs of Mattie were gorgeous and his artwork took my breath away. The love and caring of Mattie's community were palpable. The depth of the love of you and Peter for your son was apparent in every detail of the day.We broke away from Visitation after the video tribute and headed out with cookies in the children's pockets and Mattie seed packets to plant in our garden. As we drove home across the bridge into Virginia, the sun had set and the sky was dark with lovely, deep magenta streaks. Though that is not a detail that you probably anticipated, it was a lovely benediction.My prayer for you and Peter this evening is for restful sleep, knowing that this day was a true celebration of Mattie Brown's life."