Saturday, December 26, 2009

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Tonight's picture was taken in December 2008. The paper wreath featured around Mattie's neck was created by his art teacher, Debbie Pollak, and several of Mattie's kindergarten buddies. This wreath meant a lot to Mattie, since several of his friends signed it. I still have the wreath hanging on the inside of our door. I remember taking this picture of Mattie, and it is hard to believe it was taken a year ago. When I look at Mattie's picture it brings me great sadness, because I miss seeing him and his beautiful smile.

Poem of day: Giving Thanks By Scott Tallman

My memories are flowing,
Of Holidays past,
If only I’d known,
That they’d be his last
Right now I see nothing,
I can be thankful for,
My Son is gone,
My heart on the floor
Must I celebrate?
And pretend to have joy?
I just cannot do it,
Without my baby boy
His face now appears,
In the front of my mind,
That smile, that strength,
Of an Angel so kind
He tells me “It’s okay,
No need to be sad,
I’ll be there with you,
I still love you Dad”
He tells me to remember,
The Holidays past,
Of all we had shared,
And of memories cast
He says, “Dad, go forward,
And please spread the word,
Of the joy that we shared,
Of the Angels we heard”
“Of the family and friends,
Who stood by our side,
Who were with us always,
And the day that I died”
“Dad, give them my best,
And make sure they know,
I am now at rest,
Yet continue to glow”
“Because they have kept me,
So close in their hearts,
My memory lives on,
We’re not far apart”
And so once again,
I pick up the pieces,
I wipe away tears,
And my sadness decreases.
I’ll celebrate knowing,
Though he is at rest,
My Son is still glowing,
I am truly so blessed!

It just dawned on me today, that a New Year is approaching. I have mixed feelings about this. At first, I was thinking that perhaps saying good-bye to 2009 would be a blessing. But on the contrary, as 2010 approaches I realize this will be a completely New Year that does not have Mattie in it. As time goes by, I find that this is not necessarily a good thing. Time forces me to reflect on Mattie's death, on his battle with cancer, his torturous death, and of course Peter and I are left to deal with grief and the aftermath of trauma on a daily basis.

Going to sleep and waking up in the morning continue to be problems for me. I am not sure if I will ever get the PICU experience out of my mind and spirit. For over a year, I trained myself to forgo sleep, to not have my needs met, to not have adult conversation, and the list could go on. Trying to live a life now without constant stress and caring for someone are things I struggle with, because my body got used to needing this constant heightened level of anxiety to function.

For the next few days, Ann is away on a family trip. I am happy Ann can have this special time with her family, because I know building these memories are vital. However, when Ann goes away, a part of me feels a bit lost. Or more lost than usual. Fortunately we live in the technology era, which enables us to communicate back and forth periodically. I had a rough start to my day, and on such mornings it is hard to convince myself to get out of bed and greet a new day. From afar, Ann text messaged me and we chatted about the aftermath of the holidays for me.

This afternoon, I went to visit Mary, Ann's mom, at her assisted living facility. Mary and I looked at Christmas photos, we talked about various subjects, and I helped her with dinner. She always feels guilty when I am visiting her in the evening because she feels I should be out doing something she deems as "fun." However, I know how much Mary relies on Ann. When Ann is not around, this does affect Mary on some level. Therefore, if I can make things a little more pleasant for Mary, I will.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I can only begin to imagine how difficult Christmas Day must have been for all of you. To see the joy of other children, to know that Mattie is not here to celebrate with you has to be awful beyond words. I know, as do all the blog readers, your friends, family and those who cared for Mattie in the hospital that his bond with you was amazing; just as Abigail knows Ann is the best mother she could have, you were absolutely the best mom Mattie could have had. All I can say is that I am so sorry that you have no more holidays with him, no more average days of dropping him at school and hearing about what he learned that day. As we move toward the new year, I know that what is in your heart is that it is impossible to think of a year without Mattie in it. All I can say is that he is forever engraved on the hearts and minds of those of us who are in any way connected to you, Peter, or your families. As we move toward that new year, I hope you eventually find a measure of joy in knowing you could not have been better parents and you remain role models for us all."