Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Tonight's picture was taken in December 2004, when Mattie was two and a half years old. To me this picture captures his angelic face. Trying to take a picture of Mattie when he was a toddler was always a feat. He was in constant motion! Mattie loved picking out a tree and the whole decoration process. He was very gentle with the ornaments, and from a young age, was always there to help me decorate the tree.

Poem of the day: Sweet child of mine by Kathleen Cowan


Where are you now, sweet child of mine
Where are you now
Are you the whispering in the wind, the gentle breeze
Are you all the things I do not understand
Are you the heavens and the earth
Where are you now
Are you my protector in the dark
Are you there to see the tears that fall from my face
And wipe them gently away and give me the will to go on
Does your courage and bravery in life
And the fact that I was always
So proud of you, and still am
Give me the strength and inspire me to tell
The world how wonderful you are
But where are you now?
I was always there for you
Did I let you down
When you had to take those last steps on your own
Did I let you down as I held your hand
You have gone to a place and I could not go with you
But some day, my darling, I will come to you again
As you are with me eternally
You are every breath I take, every action I do
You are in my dreams, you are my dream
Where are you now, sweet child of mine
I am the sound of your breathing
I am the sound of your heart beating
I am your life and you are mine
Together for eternity
Your loving son always


Last night, before I went to sleep, I opened up my nightstand drawer, and pulled out Mattie's tooth fairy box. I keep special things in this drawer. Inside the tooth fairy box is Mattie's last tooth that he lost. Why is the tooth in the box? Because when the tooth fell out, Mattie had me write a note to the tooth fairy requesting that she leave both a gift and the tooth behind. He told her it was important to him that he keep the tooth, and hoped she could make an exception! Mattie was thrilled to see the next morning both a gift and his tooth left behind in the tooth fairy box. In fact, the tooth fairy left him a note, letting him know that because he asked so nicely in his letter, she decided to grant his wish to keep his tooth. Last night, I held the tooth fairy box and examined the tooth. It is one of the remaining physical parts of Mattie I have left, and this box and its contains are naturally very important to me.

This morning, for the first time since Mattie's death, I made homemade waffles. Practically every weekend I would get a request for homemade waffles or pancakes. Mattie loved when I added cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves to the batter. I haven't had the heart to make waffles because Mattie was always my waffle helper and it did not seem right eating them without him. But today in honor of Mattie, waffles were made, and Peter and I talked about Mattie. I said today's breakfast was in honor of my "Moosh."

Peter and I went out and ran all sorts of chores. We got around, despite there still being snow everywhere. The roads were much better today, but the sidewalks and side streets are still a mess. So no surprise to me, area schools, events, and the government are all closed on Monday.

Peter has been shoveling snow for the past day and a half on our deck. Last night, when Peter came back inside, he let me know that Mattie's chimes were twinkling away. I told him that Mattie was out there with him helping in his own way. In fact, if Mattie were alive, he would have been right along side Peter. Mattie always wanted to observe and participate in helping out Peter with chores and other projects. Which is why Peter would call Mattie his "little buddy."

We accomplished a lot today, which in a way was a good feeling, since there are some days, I can't get anything done because I am not feeling up to it. I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Sorry that you were unable to go to the Nutcracker as planned yesterday. I hope the sunshine today enabled you to get out safely. As for the Veggie Tales response, I hear and read frequently that the most innocent things can bring you back into intense memories without any warning and like a swimmer caught by a rip tide all you can do is try to keep your head up, tread water and wait for it to subside. This is an emotion that takes over and you cannot fight it, so you have to be there, remember to breathe and those really intense moments will pass. II know the loss and the ache will never go away. I wish you the strength to continue on your path and know that many of us still pray for you daily."