Friday, December 25, 2009Tonight's picture was taken last Christmas Eve. Mattie was surprised to get a visit from Santa (played by Ann's cousin Ed). It is hard to believe a year ago today Mattie was alive and with us, and I had no idea what the future had in store for Peter and I. I knew Mattie had a life threatening illness, but perhaps I was in denial because I just never knew we wouldn't have more years together.
Poem of the day: Someone is missing at Christmas
Let this be a loving reminder
That someone is missing today.
Someone our hearts hold on to
As we travel along life’s way.
Someone who made life so special
For each of us here.
Someone who won’t be forgotten,
But cherished from year to year.
And now as we celebrate Christmas,
Let us fondly recall
How deeply each of us loved him.
And oh… how he loved us all.
Yes indeed, SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY MISSING THIS CHRISTMAS! Today was a very difficult day for us. Certainly I survived the day, and most likely to those interacting with me, it may seem like I was fine. But internally, I was anything but fine. I began my day with the debate of whether to get out of bed or not. I did get up and what helped was I received a beautiful e-mail from Jenny, one of Mattie's art therapists. This e-mail meant so much to me, that it helped motivate me. I then sat at the computer today and wrote about 15 e-mails to nurses and other support staff at the Georgetown University Hospital who were instrumental in Mattie's care. I will never forget the skills, compassion, and kindness these individuals showed to Mattie. In many respects I miss our Georgetown family, but the irony is, Mattie had to get cancer for us to meet these incredible individuals.
I had the opportunity to chat with my parents today. As our readers can imagine, my parents have been greatly affected by Mattie's death, and because of this, it is some times hard for all of us to talk about Mattie and our reactions to his death. It is just that painful, since we are so deeply affected. My parents, like Peter and I, just couldn't send out Christmas cards or gifts this year. It just did not seem right to celebrate this holiday without Mattie. My dad got on the phone today and I could tell he was upset and wasn't sure what to say to me. But my mom translated the message, which was, Mattie is looking down on me, and he would be upset to know how unhappy I was. I have been reflecting on my dad's comment all day, and I know he is correct, but I can't move passed my feelings.
Later today Peter and I went over to Ann's house. We had a lovely dinner and Ann's children told us about their day and some of the wonderful gifts they received. Mary, Ann's mom, and Helen and Ed (Ann's cousins) were at dinner as well. It was very nice to be included in their family dinner. After dinner, Ann and her family surprised Peter and I with gifts. Ann gave me several things but two noteworthy ones for the blog were a beautiful jewelry box with Mattie's picture incorporated into it and a plate that says Friends are Forever and Ever. These two gifts are extremely touching to me and I have learned that gifts from the heart mean the most to me. These were the only gifts Peter and I opened today, and at one time perhaps this would have made me sad. But now I realize on such a deep level that the gifts I need can not come from under a tree. Certainly, like any of us, I appreciate and cherish whatever gifts I do receive, but Mattie's cancer opened my eyes to the greatest gift of all. The greatest gift you can give someone is that of your time and love. Time to listen to them, appreciate them, and help them when help is needed. It is a rather unfortunate way I had to learn this life lesson!
I had the opportunity to play a Christmas game with Abigail, Ann, Helen, and Ed tonight. It was an interesting and reflective game in which a question is posed to your team. The team has two people on it, one person who thinks of an answer to the question, and the other team mate has to guess the answer you are thinking of. For example, one of the questions was ...... have you ever experienced a Christmas miracle? Ann was my team mate. So I had to guess how she would respond to such a question. Needless to say, it appears that Ann and I know each other pretty well, because we were able to guess each other's responses. This should not be of any surprise to me since we spend so much time together. But I do think you can spend a lot of time with people and still not be able to guess what they are thinking, which seems to only verify for me the deep connection Ann and I have with each other. Peter and I joined in other games tonight as well, but the one that drove me absolutely crazy was Uno. Not a hard game to play, but clearly I was losing this game badly. It became the joke around the table. The object of the game is to be left with the least amount of cards, and I just kept accumulating cards. This certainly produced its share of laughs for all of us. I have become such a pro at losing games, after playing with Mattie in the hospital, that I am not sure it is even possible for me to win any sort of game. I am a child's dream to play with!
It was lovely to be included in a family today, it was special not to spend the day alone, but I must admit there are times when Mattie's loss became simply overwhelming tonight. Again, I internalize many of my feelings, so it may be hard for someone to know I am visibly upset. What gets to my heart is how Ann's children interact with her at times. Tonight, Abigail, jumped into her mother's arms, and told her she was the best mom ever, and that she would never want another mom. Abigail, whether she knew it or not, gave her mother the best possible Christmas gift ever...... To know and feel your child's love. There are many things that Abigail does that reminds me of Mattie, and it is in those moments, where I can feel the loss, the emptiness, and the despair that I feel over Mattie's death. I want Ann to feel this love from Abigail, but there are times were I find myself wondering why life decided to take away that pleasure from me? There is no answer you can give me that I would find acceptable, I assure you!
As we were taking Mary back to her assisted living facility tonight, she said good-bye to me. I know that Christmas is bittersweet for Mary too, and she said that she wished me a Merry Christmas and hoped that I have peace in the new year. She said I have dealt with more than enough, and it is in Mary's lucid moments, that I find she gets my non-verbals very well. As she was holding my hand, I landed up with tears coming down my face. Which Mary is used to from me.
I did survive Christmas, and perhaps that is an achievement, but I feel nothing over this accomplishment. Mainly because each and every day is a challenge. I want to thank so many of you who wrote to me today. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, and also thank you for the Christmas contributions you made to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Thank you for the reminder about the pooping animals. I remember reading and laughing about that from your blog. I understand that laughing in the midst of grieving makes you feel guilty for expressing joy but it reflects the feelings Mattie raised in you and respects your relationship with him. Relationships with those we love contain all the emotions, negative and positive so why should we try to make our memories and reactions to them only about either the positive or the negative half? We should try to respect the whole of who our loved one was and our relationship with them by remembering and reacting to all of it without guilt or fear. Thank you for your description of the garbage bag incident; although I have often heard you laugh in class or in a social setting, you tend to have a level of "dignity" for me that makes it hard to see you in a situation like this and I now have another idea of who you are inside. I know today is especially difficult for you and I hope that you know many of us are praying for you and wishing you a space of peace and calm today."
The second message is from my friend, Tanja. Tanja is in Germany, so it was very special to get a message today from across the Atlantic. Tanja wrote, "I just wanted to say a quick hello. I know these holidays are especially difficult for you and Peter. I´m glad you are spending most of your time with Ann and her family. Even though we are here in Germany we continue to think of you. Mattie also continues to be in our minds every day. As we were walking through some of the stores and Christmas markets, Katharina was drawn to all the toys and legos Mattie would have enjoyed. She often just looked at me and we both said "Mattie" at the same time. Last night we participated in a small service on our local cemetery. It had been a cloudy, cold and rainy day. Fortunately, by 5pm it stopped raining but it was still cloudy. As the service continued and it got dark, I felt a strong urge to look into the sky and there all of a sudden, the clouds had broken up for just a few seconds and the moon was shining through. I immediately thought of Mattie Moon."
The third message is from one of my former students, who was also a babysitter of Mattie's. Kerry wrote, "I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mattie. I feel so lucky that I had you as a professor and got to hear Mattie stories in child development. Even more so I love that I was able to know him personally over the year that I helped you with babysitting. One of the things that I remember best about Mattie was how much he loved you Vicki. Every time we went on a walk he would want to stop and pick up little treasures for you whether it be an acorn he saw or a pretty leaf. Every time you came home he was so overjoyed - even though this word doesn't really do it justice - to see you. I would often think to myself that I hope to one day have a child that would love me so much. I've had a really hard time sitting down to write this email somehow it feels that I am leaving Mattie behind. It feels like yesterday when I sat down to the blog and found out that Mattie had left this Earth. I realized though I am one of the lucky ones that gets to carry his smile with me wherever I go and every time I see a perfectly formed acorn I'll think of Mattie. I feel blessed that I got to be part of the community that loved Mattie, his funeral and remembrance ceremony were absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had been able to stay for a longer amount of time, I had to get back here to CT. I work on our oncology floor at our hospital in town - we also specialize in palliative care for end stage disease of any kind. It has been hard for me to face that Mattie was like one of our patients or that you were one of the grieving families left as survivors. I see on a daily basis what you have gone through and I wish with all of my heart that Mattie had been given more healthy days with you. You are two amazing strong people and Mattie was blessed to have had you. You are awesome parents and advocates. Recently I've been thinking a lot about a movie, What Dreams May Come, one of the thoughts is that a whole human life is just a few moments in Heaven. So even though we might be missing the people who have left us before their time they will have just a few hours without us. I like to think that Mattie is up in Heaven on a long walk collecting treasures and before he knows it you will all be together once again."
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