Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday, February 8, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in July 2002, Mattie was around three months old. The car seat was another thing Mattie liked, however, nothing was boring about Mattie. He loved sitting in the car seat when we were actually home and NOT in the car. In fact, Mattie loved the car seat so much, that there were times I would put him in the car seat, buckle him, and put the whole thing in the crib. He HATED his crib, but loved sitting in the seat within the crib, go figure. This unfortunately did not translate to the car. Mattie pitched a fit when he was placed into his seat while sitting in the car. Car trips were almost impossible until I eventually trained Mattie to accept the motion associated with this form of transportation.

Poem of the day: Softer by Lana Golembeski

The grief lies quietly,

Beneath the surface of our souls.

It follow us around like

An unwanted shadow.

It is cunning.

It doesn’t strike like it used to.
But it strikes like a ghost;
Hidden, unseen, unpredictable.
It lies just below the surface;
Following us everywhere we go.
It never leaves us.
It does not hit like it used to;
Putting us in the fetal position.
But it is unrelenting
Gnawing at our heart and soul;
Eating at us slowly, but surely.
It shadows our very lives.
It never leaves us alone.
It constantly reminds us of our forever loss.
It is a softer grief;
But it never, ever, goes away.


This poem captures the sentiments of grief perfectly. Grief is always present, it exists or lies right below the surface of your heart and soul. It comes with you each and every day, and within each minute of every day. It is hidden, unseen, and unpredictable, yet serves as a constant reminder to me that life is not the same, nor will it ever be the same again. I will give you an example of grief's unpredictable nature because recently I experienced it twice. Yesterday, when I arrived at the Los Angeles International Airport for check in, I said good-bye to my parents, and was awaiting Ann to join me. I sat down with a ton of people around me. Yet at that moment in time, I felt very alone, and it was at that moment I began to cry. It was then (and very unexpectedly), the loss of Mattie hit me, and regardless of the setting or circumstance, I can just cry. Similarly, today I went into a hallmark store with Ann and her children. While walking around the store, I happened upon a series of picture frames. The one that caught my attention, had the following written on it, "in memory...." I looked at this frame for several minutes, and was swept away in thoughts. A picture frame stopped me in my tracks and Mattie's loss hit me again.

My flight from Los Angeles did take off yesterday. I was actually stunned that it did considering the amazing accumulation of snow that is present in Washington, DC. Nonetheless, despite the blizzard, the airports were NOT congested, and actually because there was such low volume, they were almost pleasant to be in. We landed at Dulles, in Virginia, around midnight. However, getting luggage and the ride to Ann's home was an adventure. Fortunately Ann is a Bostonian at heart, because if it were I, we wouldn't have been driving. I learned to drive in Los Angeles, so I do not have the foggiest clue of how to handle a car in the snow. As I told Ann last night, life with her is an adventure. She made the analogy of our lives to Lucy and Ethel, the fictional characters from the TV show, I Love Lucy. As soon as she mentioned this, I agreed, she is the 21st century equivalent to Lucy Ricardo, that spirited and zany red head. In the midst of a treacherous drive back to her house, we laughed about so many things from snow plows to having to open the windows because the windshield was fogging up. Needless to say, after a 4.5 hour plane trip and the adventure driving, I was thrilled that the movement stopped for us around 2am.

Peter's adventure was also an experience. He landed up driving back to Washington, DC from Florida. He couldn't get rebooked on another flight until Wednesday, and considering we are expected to get hit with another snow storm on Tuesday, Peter did not want to take any chances. He even tried getting a train ticket, but AMTRAK was sold out. Peter tells me the drive was long, and at times very trying, especially as he entered the Capital area, where even the major highways weren't well plowed or treated. He is exhausted and happy to be home.

Peter had a good time at the wedding and enjoyed seeing his friends from Arthur Andersen. In fact, tonight, Peter handed me his table place card from the wedding. It was an elegant and small envelope. Besides indicating where he would be sitting at the reception, inside was a thank you note to all the guests. On the note it said, "we are delighted that you are able to join us today. As a sign of our appreciation, we have made donations to So Others Might Eat in Washington, DC and The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation." Needless to say I was deeply touched that a young couple who are starting their life together, would be so thoughtful and mindful at this time to make such a tribute.

I spent the day with Ann and her children, whose school was cancelled due to the snow. We worked on all sorts of projects, including Valentine's. I remember doing this activity with Mattie, and yet this seems like a lifetime ago. Peter did pick me up at Ann's house, and we are both safely home tonight.
 
I received this beautiful picture of a mourning dove from Tad today. As many of you know doves get their names from their soft, drawn-out calls that sound like laments. Some of you may recall that first time ever, in the Spring of 2009, we had a mother dove build her nest and lay her eggs in our flower basket on our deck. Despite Mattie's illness, he was very focused upon this "mama dove" and her eggs. I will never forget that sight, and at the time, I took this dove as a symbol of rebirth, and perhaps a sign that Mattie was going to get a second chance on life. However, as the dove's name implies, these birds are "mourning" doves.
In hindsight, perhaps she was foreshadowing what was ahead for us.
 
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I have to tell you I loved the pictures of the beach and the water park and of Mattie and Peter having a great time together. I am so glad you both have these wonderful memories to keep along with the pictures to help you remember. I am glad you were not here for the storm and I hope that when you fly back the flight is calm and uneventful and that you and Ann once again get to sit together. I think you are wise for staying with Ann until Peter comes back; things are pretty difficult in much of the metro area due to the snow. I hope your visit with your parents was all you hoped it would be and that the upcoming cruise is good for all of you. As I practice on my own today and look to nature for inspiration and serenity I will think about and send you my energy."