Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in February 2009 in the Childlife playroom at the Hospital. As I explained last night, Mattie made me a huge box filled with Valentine's cards and creations. In this picture, you can see how the box was filled to capacity. I must admit I was overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness and creativity. What became evident to me was Mattie needed the outlet to express how he felt about me. After all, Mattie understood I was caring for him around the clock, yet there was no way he could express his love and appreciation. Mainly because I was always with him! I could tell the hour he spent without me, so he could focus on this project, meant a lot to him. It certainly did to me and of course you can imagine how much these cards mean to me now. Valentine's day will not be the same this year without our Mattie in it.

Poem of the day: Snow Dreams by Charlie Brown

I am surrounded by snow

A vast blanket of shining white
I know you would have loved it
Forts, sledding and snow angels
But for me it is a blanket of silence
Unbroken with your absence
I am a parent with shattered dreams
A mother with empty arms
And a storyteller without an audience
I hold your memories to me
Almost as fiercely
As I tried to hold you here
I will always be connected to you
By the cord of mother love
Time may fade its color
But it will not lose its strength
My forever, beloved boy.

Peter reflected with me last night how much Mattie would have loved these snow storms we experienced. Peter is most likely correct! As hard as it is to believe, in the 7 years of Mattie's life, Washington, DC never had a storm with record accumulations like we had over the last two weeks. Nonetheless, with even a few inches of snow, Mattie had a ball. He attempted to make snow castles, forts, and once or twice in preschool actually went sledding. Mattie, like Peter, loved assessing the weather, and I know if Mattie were here the past few days, we would have been out in the snow digging about. It is funny how your life changes when you don't have a child in it. Having children in a way forces you out of your comfort zone. Being in the cold, is definitely out of my comfort zone. It is almost impossible to have a child and not be out in the snow, not appreciate its whiteness, coldness, and in Mattie's case its texture for building. Without Mattie in my life, the snow is just snow, or in actuality, from an adult's perspective it is an annoyance that comes with complications. I guess I miss Mattie's way of thinking about things and the world, I miss his youth, and the way his young mind worked.

After being home bound for several days, we both finally got out today! Peter went to work, and I did  some chores to get ready for our trip. Despite it being cold, I actually went on a walk today. Since I was couped up at home all those days, not only was I stir crazy, but every muscle seemed to ache. The beauty of walking as I discovered today, is I felt better as the afternoon progressed. I had the opportunity to see Ann and her family as well. As life with Ann is never boring, we were traveling down the tight streets of Old Town, Alexandria. Because the snow is piled up high everywhere, the streets are unable to handle two way traffic. For the most part, others were waiting and being courtesy. Until we came upon a big city bus. Literally if this bus could have run us off the road, it would have. It wasn't a pretty sight, and though the driver could have waited for us to clear the street, since we were in it before he was, he decided to use a scare tactic instead. Which was to come face to face with Ann's car. Naturally when a bus is coming at you, you have no other choice but to back out of the way, even if this means backing up down the street and causing congestion behind you. There are times during my days with Ann when I wonder if we bring these things on ourselves, or if this is life in general and I am just paying attention now. Somehow I don't think so, rather I think it is our teamwork that makes the mundane seem just a little more interesting.

On Saturday, Peter and I fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico. We will board the ship on Sunday. I am bringing my computer with me, and my goal is to write each day. However, being on the ocean may make internet connectivity challenging. So if you don't hear from me each night, it is only because I am unable to post the blog. Naturally as soon as I get access to the internet, I will update you. I realize my readers do not expect postings while I am away, but maintaining Mattie's blog is meaningful to me. My personal goal is to be able to write and post each day for at least a year after Mattie's death. Not that I am thinking I will feel better in a year, but I feel keeping Mattie's memory alive in this fashion is one of the greatest ways I can show my respect, honor, and love for him. Please keep us in your thoughts this week, as we try to find some peace in the aftermath of losing Mattie.  

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I thought the picture of Mattie with the valentine box was wonderful. You can see how intent he is on sharing all of his wonderful creations with you. He was an amazingly talented, creative little boy who was wonderfully nurtured by both his parents as well as the other adults who were a part of his life. I really appreciated Ariel's email as well as her essay; it is very clear that while she has a definite calling to medicine, her connection to Mattie has shaped that into a very specific, wonderful goal. I wish her all the success as she moves forward with her education; she will be a wonderful nurse practitioner. I hope you were able to get out today and have some time in the fresh air and see some of your friends who care deeply for you. I felt privileged to make it to class today and the energy of those practicing with me was amazing and helped support me through some very difficult efforts. I did need the reminder once again, that today is a day separate from both yesterday and tomorrow and that what I was able to accomplish (or what I will) is different from what I can do now. Patience is required, practice is needed and it doesn't take much to derail the process and require one to stop, refocus and reset an intention. The same is true for walking any difficult path in life. Don't give up, all of us are here to support you. I hold you gently in my thoughts. "