Tuesday, February 9, 2010 -- Mattie died 22 weeks ago today (in other words 5 months ago)Tonight's picture was taken last year around Valentine's day. Mattie was in the PICU at Georgetown University Hospital, and he was surrounded by valentine's. Ann coordinated this valentine's day project for Mattie, in which all of his classmates designed a card for him. These cards brightened up his day, and not only did he love the cards, but he was thrilled with the gigantic lollipop that one of his friend's gave him. As valentine's day is approaching, I will try to post pictures related to this day. Last year, Mattie was my valentine (or so he told me!), and on Valentine's day this year, I will post the beautiful picture that Jenny (Mattie's art therapist) took of Mattie and I at the hospital. It is a picture I deeply cherish.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your child is okay
Your baby is here in My home
And this is where he'll stay
He'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
he'll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom
Again I report another week has passed, and here we are facing one of the most challenging days of the week for me, a Tuesday. Mattie died 22 weeks ago today, or in other words, his presence has been gone for five months. I don't like counting in months, some how months seem more daunting than weeks. Or maybe, in my mind I am under some sort of false impression that as months go by this loss will be easier to accept. Forget it! The reality of the situation is just bad and no matter how many months go by, I am slowly beginning to accept the fact that though the pain may change, the PAIN will always be there. Not unlike dealing with cancer, which required a major mind set change, so does dealing with grief and loss. All my theories on how to cope with death went out the window after I lost Mattie. I have an intense understanding for grief now that really was unobtainable for me through reading or hearing about someone else's story.
A part of me can not believe that five months has slipped by already, and it seems appropriate to post tonight's poem, because I ask myself often, What Makes a Mother? Mothers are very much defined by their daily roles and activities, and yet for me, all these things are non-existent now. I try to reflect on the sentiments expressed in this poem, in that being a mother is "the feeling in your heart, it's the love you had so much of." However, at the end of the day, this feeling in my heart and the love I knew I had doesn't seem to quell the longing I have for Mattie back in my life.
Peter was working from home today, because Washington, DC appears to be in a shutdown mode from the snow. Tonight it is snowing more, and I can only imagine how this will further paralyze the Capital region! I went grocery shopping today, and it was a complete experience. For those of you living outside the Washington, DC area, you may not be aware of the panic that sets in when it snows in DC. The main problem with DC is that when there is a great deal of snow, there are NO new food deliveries made to grocery stores, because trucks can't get through on the roads. Therefore shelves and particularly milk and produce are snatched up by shoppers! The grocery store was an unbelievable sight, and I suppose if I wanted to be really funny, I would have taken out my camera and snapped pictures inside the store. It looked like the store was ravaged and there was nothing left behind. It is hard to describe unless you have seen it for yourself. In fact, seeing such devastation in a grocery store made me stop and wonder where I was today. For the most part since Mattie died, I am oblivious to events and news around me, but the store today clued me right back into reality.
After that experience, I moved onto an equally challenging event. Combing through Mattie's closet to find the luggage we would need for our upcoming trip at the end of the week. In order to get to the luggage, I had to sift passed Mattie's toys, games, and train sets. Not to mention his clothes. By the time I did that, I was ready to call it a day.
While I was in California, Charlie sent me the link to the song, "Holes in the floor of heaven." I have heard this song before, but today when I listened to it and watched the video, it gave me a better appreciation for the rain. I would love to imagine that rain comes down on us because our loved ones in heaven are thinking of us and their tears are falling through the holes in the floor of heaven. I have attached the link to the video in case you wanted to see it too.
www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=f1a4ec7e49f58fa77093
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