Tonight's picture was taken in the spring of 2007, at Mattie's preschool end of the year party. You can see Mattie between his two block room teachers, Kathy and Marilyn. Mattie loved his time in the block room, and I think this photo is very fitting for today, since Peter and I attended the Resurrection Children's Center auction tonight. This is a preschool that will remain always in our hearts, because it nurtured Mattie in incredible ways thanks to the beauty of the teachers and administrators who work there. However, this community also supported us deeply throughout Mattie's illness, and this will never be forgotten.
Poem of the day: Angel Wings for Jenny (Jenny's Song) by Chrissy Breaux
The Angels whispered in the night,
As they quietly guided Jenny to the light.
So gently and caring, they came to bring her home,
As God opened his arms to welcome her there,
"In Heaven" he said, is where "She Belongs."
The angels laughed and sang, with such delight,
A young Angel, named Jenny flies tonight.
No more pain and suffering, she shall see,
For in Heaven only peace And happiness will be.
The people left behind will feel the pain
The absence of her love, the sweet sound of her name.
To us all, she left her love,
But now God needs her above.
She shall soar in Heaven now,
With wings of gold and Angel's love.
(As she whispers), "Thank you God, for freeing my soul
From a tired shell that I could not control
"Please tell all below, I'm happy and free
And I'm glad I knew their love"
"But in Heaven is where I wish to be!"
Ann's children began spring break today. Naturally there is a lot of excitement to being on vacation. I met up with them for lunch and shopping, as they are getting ready to go on vacation next week. There were moments during this shopping experience where I felt as if I needed a video camera. It was better than any reality TV series you have seen. Somehow Ann and I can produce enough chaos alone, but then add three children into the equation and it is down right comical. At one point as Abigail (Ann's youngest) is shopping for shoes, she pulled about seven or eight boxes of shoes off the shelf, and she and I were sitting on the floor of the store chatting about patterns, styles, and comfort. Meanwhile, during this conversation we are thoroughly surrounded by piles of shoes. It was a sight beyond sights! I almost forgot what shopping with children is like. Mattie hated shopping, so much so, that if I did shop, I would do "speed shopping." Today the old speed shopping feelings came back again, and it was funny, but it also reminded me of Mattie and our times together.
I took Abigail back to her home today in my car. I knew she just saw the Lion King in NYC, so I put that CD on in the car for us to listen to. She reflected on her recent trip to NYC and how much she liked the Lion King. In fact, she told me she liked the bird in the play, Zazu. She proceeded to tell me that she likes the name, Zazu, because it reminds her of Kazu (one of Mattie's buddies), and Kazu reminds her of Mattie. I love listening to Abigail's connections and insights, and naturally I told her that I was touched by her comment. When we got to Abigail's home, I helped her carry her new luggage into her house and up her stairs. We then began to pack for her vacation. Abigail and I both like clothes, the art of putting things together, and chatting about the process. What I quickly deduced today was my time with Abigail touches me deeply. One would think that perhaps this would bring me sadness connecting in this way. I suppose on some level it makes me sad because I realize Mattie is no longer by my side, but on the contrary, Abigail isn't afraid to talk about Mattie. She talks about him freely, and I find this refreshing and comforting. Also, Abigail has a presence and energy that is contagious, and I simply appreciate it and find it healing.
Tonight, Peter and I attended Resurrection Children's Center auction. This is the school's major fundraising event. Mattie attended this preschool for two years, and during this time developed tremendously. This was our first time back to the school since Mattie died. I adequately prepared myself before going, because I cried over this visit earlier in the week. There is great emotion over visiting a place Mattie has been in, and especially seeing his teachers, who I simply love. It was wonderful to see many of Mattie's teachers and so many families who supported us through Mattie's illness. Margaret, Mattie's first preschool teacher, understood how hard it was for me to be there today, and really worked hard to check on me, and support me through the auction. I also saw Kathy and Marilyn tonight (featured in tonight's picture). Kathy, a few weeks ago, sent me a wonderful picture of Lucy and Ethel (from the I Love Lucy Show). Kathy placed a post it note on the picture, and said this is Ann and Vicki. We are the modern day version of Lucy and Ethel. The picture meant a great deal to me, and I was happy to be able to thank Kathy in person tonight. My Lucy, Ann, wasn't far tonight at all times, and the beauty of Ann is that she seems to know when to swoop in and help, which she did when the children's video began playing at the auction. She walked me outside the room, because she could imagine seeing happy children and hearing music most likely would have been too much for me.
There were times being back at the preschool were challenging for Peter and I. I simply don't understand what happened to our lives. I always wonder what did I do to bring this about? As I looked around the room tonight, I told Ann, I feel like I am on another planet, looking in. I am no longer part of the parenting world, and in fact, I have been part of the cancer and dying world for so long, that it is sometimes hard for me to re-engage with the living. However, I was able to step outside those feelings during the silent auction. I was competing against another woman for an item, and it became down right hysterical the strategies and psychology used to win this item. Needless to say, it made me laugh, which isn't always easy to do these days.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Abigail is a very special child with real "people skills." I hope she eventually finds a profession where she can make full use of them. It is wonderful of you to find the time to listen and to encourage her. So often we "multitask" when with children. We only half listen while we make a shopping list, check off our "to dos" or try to work on the computer. Really listening to someone is one of the best gifts we can give so your ability to give back to Abigail what her mother gives to you is a lovely way to close the circle. I hope the doctor's appointment shows nothing wrong aside from the stress, struggle and heartache of grief and that is not curable by a pill or any other medication we have on the shelf. Today I will send you healing energy from practice. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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