Tonight's picture, not unlike the past week's pictures, was taken in May of 2007. On our trip to Lancaster, PA, we took Mattie to the "Choo Choo Barn Train" museum. He loved it! Also right next to the museum was a hotel. A hotel which I will never forget. The hotel was comprised of retired train cars. Basically you could rent out a train car as a hotel room. Mattie got a real kick out of that notion! We did not stay there, but it clearly appealed to people like Mattie, who LOVED trains. Peter snapped this picture of Mattie and I. Most likely because we were a sight together. As you can see in the picture, Mattie was almost three fourths my size, yet he wanted to be carried around because he was tired and had a full day. Despite his being tired, he was always the best hugger, and I think Peter captured that well.
Poem of the day: A Sign by Nancy Lee
The stars and moon are bright tonight
And I look to the heavens for a sign that you are alright
You touched so many lives while on this earth
During your short life starting from your birth
I picture you now touching each star
Lighting them up near and far
I am told
You are in God's fold
I pray daily to God that you have found bliss
And to please help me get through this.
I had the opportunity today to go out to lunch with Mary and Sharon from Georgetown University Hospital. Mary is the lead social worker at the pediatric Lombardi Cancer Center and Sharon is the chaplain for the Center. Some of you may recall that Sharon sat with Peter and I in Mattie's PICU room for five hours straight the morning that Mattie died. Literally she came to the hospital around 4am and stayed with us the entire time. She said a prayer for Mattie before and after he died. Sharon was well aware of my anger toward God at the time, but she still came the morning of Mattie's death. At lunch today, I had the opportunity to thank Sharon for sitting with us, because I can assure you watching a child die, and trying to help parents throughout this horrific scene is not for the meek. Sharon in retrospect was very calming, spiritually appropriate, and respectful. I am also happy she was there to say a prayer to God for Mattie. This was not something I could easily do, and not unlike the rest of the year, when I was unable to do something, someone from Team Mattie usually was there to step up to whatever challenge we presented.
When I suggested that Georgetown establish a support group for its bereaved parents, Mary rose to this challenge. I truly appreciate her willingness to take this on, a service that goes above and beyond her job description. To me, seeking support at Georgetown only makes sense, since this is where the majority of my day to day support came from during Mattie's treatment. Talking to Mary and Sharon today was special, and seemed natural. Natural most likely because I consider them part of my cancer community. It is very hard for me to open up emotionally to people who haven't walked this painful journey with me. What I verbalized today, which I hadn't for a while, is that in losing Mattie, I lost my son, my role as a mom, and my hopes for the future. Not an easy thing to admit, but recently I see that verbalizing how I feel with others is actually very healing. It doesn't take the pain away or even change my thoughts, but feeling heard and understood does help me reconnect with the outside world. Or at least it slowly takes my inner turmoil, and pulls it out for others to hear. Of course what I am saying is not always easy to listen to, because there are times where I feel very low and question my purpose and reason for living. In those times it takes great courage and strength to pull out of these moments. But as Mary said to me today, I have lived through and am dealing with probably one of the worst things that could ever happen to a person. I wholeheartedly agree!
I would like to end tonight's posting with four messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Mattie's birthday is not only on Easter Sunday but during the Jewish festival of Passover as well. It is our Spring festival, when we celebrate our freedom from slavery and remember those around the world who are still enslaved by poverty, hunger, ignorance, as well as physical and/or emotional slavery. The holiday is filled with symbols and stories and has always been one of my favorites. It is also a holiday when we remember our deceased; the memorial prayer is recited in synagogue on Shabbat, following the Torah service. I have always felt that this was to include our beloved dead in our celebration and to remind us of our link across generations and through memories. I think it is wonderful that the second grade parents wish to plant a tree in Mattie's memory on the campus; what a lovely way to strengthen the memory of his connection to the school. Whenever I hear of a tree as a memorial, I think of the book, The Giving Tree and how it matures along with the little boy of the story. I only regret Mattie will not mature along with his tree, but his memory will, as his friends grow and continue to remember him. I hope you and Peter can continue to bridge the sadness and find a way to support each other through the grief process. I as always, hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I just finished catching up on the blog. It was just like Susan to send you a note before the meetings. She is a lovely person and did communicate with me during this year of your mourning. I, too, miss our times together professionally and personally. The last few days have been quite overwhelming for the tri-state area. I feel lucky as people were hurt or died in their cars as trees fell on them ever so quickly. The winds were bad and my daughter's family had to go to my son's house for shelter as their power has been out for over a day. We are hoping that it will be restored today. This is just another reminder of the preciousness of life and love for our family. One day all might be calm and the next upheaval and despair. I thank my lucky stars each day for the blessings I receive from our family. I am so happy that you have so much support during your difficult journey. You write so beautifully of the balance, love, and support that you receive from and give to Peter. Death of a child has ripped so many couples apart. Peter and you have something special as was your relationship with Mattie. Your words of love from Mattie's school and his friends does and will always bring a smile to your face. Your son will be one of the "angels" to be remembered for a lifetime. Go gently today and take extra care. You had a busy weekend. I know that these next few weeks will be especially difficult as Mattie's birthday and Easter approach. Both were times of joy and celebration, this year one of memory and grieving. As you have done this year, you will find the correct way for Peter and you to acknowledge April 4th."
The third message is from a former student of mine. Betsy wrote, "I'm so sorry I haven't written lately - you have been in my thoughts often. Life has just been hectic lately and I haven't had much time to sit down. I feel so lucky that you are still writing your blog, because I feel like it opens the doors and allows someone like me, who is really on the outside of your life, to still be able to show you some support even it is just through e-mail. Anyway, I don't have anything profound to say, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I love that Mattie's birthday is on Easter Sunday. What a positive statement, that he is rising into heaven. And spring is almost here. You've made it through the dreary part of the year, and while the pain of Mattie's death isn't leaving, at least the brighter sunshine and plants and flowers are replacing the cold, dark and dull days of winter. I hope the change in the seasons warms your heart a little bit."
The fourth message is from a colleague of mine. Martha wrote, "Today's blog really touched me! For some reason I felt a turn in your spirit to the "old" Vicki. Maybe the approach of Mattie's birthday will bring new energy to met the future. We need you and want to help bare the load of your grief."
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