Tonight's picture, though blurry, is still worth showing. It was taken in May of 2005 at Brookside Gardens in Maryland. The garden had a special butterfly exhibit, and as Mattie was walking through the butterfly house, a butterfly landed on his hand. As you can see from his expression, he thought that was VERY neat. We joked with Mattie that the butterfly matched his shirt, and Mattie commented that maybe the butterfly thought he was a big orange flower! Mattie loved butterflies and appreciated how delicate they are and he knew never to touch their wings, despite how tempting it seemed.
Poem of the day: Searching by Charlie Brown
What happened to my life?
What happened to my dreams?
I thought I had them all
But I was wrong it seems.
I was a counselor and an educator
And the mother of a boy
And when he became ill
I knew which one brought me joy
My life turned upside down
I would have given my all
If I could have saved
My son from death's call
Now I am struggling to find
Who and what I am supposed to be
Now that my role as a Mom
Is forever lost to me
I am doing the best I can
So please be patient with me
And help me keep his memory
Alive in my heart where it must be.
Charlie's poem is very touching and very appropriate as I am desperately searching for meaning in my life. Her last line, "and help me keep his memory alive in my heart where it must be," is something that I reflect upon often. When I look at pictures of Mattie, it almost feels like his presence in my life was a lifetime ago. Or perhaps a different life altogether. There are times I feel as if I am part of a witness protection program. Where my identity has been erased and instead replaced with a whole new one. It feels wrong to move on, it feels uncomfortable to proceed on each day, because when I think beyond the pictures, I recall what life was like with Mattie around. Our home felt different then. There was constant activity, noise, and excitement. Naturally when you are a parent you long for a moment of peace and silence. However, this type of silence is way over rated. The sights, sounds, and laughter of children are what makes life beautiful. Without it, the world seems a little less clear, a little more bleak.
Though it was almost 70 degrees in Washington, DC, I never left our home. I was very tired, not feeling well, and simply in a bad mood. I spent part of the day in bed and the rest of the day, I decided to get fresh air, and I sat outside on our balcony. My feelings of sadness and depression come in waves, and for some reason I am being hit full force this weekend. During these times I am very thankful for the understanding of those closest to me, because I know this can't be easy to experience and witness.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I think you did really well yesterday. So many places to fall apart and yet you managed to make it through and honor Mattie as you went along. Thank you for that wonderful description of the shopping trip; I could close my eyes and see the scene so clearly in my mind. Your discussions with Abigail that naturally include Mattie just confirm what I hear constantly from those who are grieving; hearing the name of the one we miss is fine; including them in our lives through what we do and by sharing memories is positive and not something to be avoided. I think it is important to say this as much as possible as so many still feel the best coping mechanism is to pretend the person did not exist and that is the opposite of what we all need to do. While I started out frustrated with today's practice and thinking that it would be a time when I got nothing out of it, I decided to let go of my expectations and found my connection soon after. I send you the release of expectations and the patience to allow yourself to be where you need to be today. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I just finished my blog reading. I admire how Peter and you show your respect and appreciation to others even when it might bring up painful memories of Mattie. Your day with Abigail sounded like a hoot. I can just picture the two of you sitting on the floor and discussing shoes while others are shopping. Spending time with a girl is a very different shopping experience than a boy. I know that Abigail loves having you as a companion. Ann continues to be a beacon of light and tenderness. I'm not surprised that she came and got you when the video came on. Did you win the silent auction? I didn't read other entries, yet, based on Charlie's note, you've gone to the doctor again. I, too, hope that what you are experiencing is just a stress reaction. I am happy to read about your daily activities and think that you might reenter the classroom sometime next year, even on a limited basis. Your presence as a mentor and educator is needed as we look to the future of the counseling profession. Since many of your former students and colleagues write of their needs for your good counsel. Today was a glorious day in NY. The temperature was so pleasant that I didn't need a jacket. A rare occasion! I pray that you had a similar day and might have spend some time on your Roosevelt Island. I do hope that one day the two of you might come and visit us on our Roosevelt Island. Be well, my friend, and I'll keep in touch."
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