Tonight's picture was also taken in May of 2007 at Dutch Wonderland in PA. Mattie had a great day with Peter going on every ride that was possible in the park. At age five, Mattie was fearless. You can see the big smile on his face, as he went on a ride that was like a rollercoaster on the water. Though I do not like going on rides, I did like taking pictures, documenting all of Mattie's adventures. At the time I would never have guessed just how much these pictures were going to mean to me.
Poem of the day: People Say by Charlie Brown
People say
Time heals
But it doesn't
It softens the colors
And frays the edges
Of my memories of you
People say
He's better off
Is he?
Of course not
He needs his mom
And his dad
People say
He's with God
Doesn't God have
Enough angels?
I had only one son
My arms are empty
I am devastated
I am angry
I want to cry
I want to scream
People say it gets better
I can't see how
Your support is
A ray of sunshine in a
Grey sky
A whisper of spring
Even in a winter wind
The promise of a rainbow
After the storm
People say
Friends help...
They do.
The poem that Charlie sent me tonight captures the sentiments of the day. A day that marks Mattie's 27th week gone from this earth. Time, does not heal ALL wounds. Not even close. As I have said before, with time comes a lapse in memory, a struggle to remember the specifics such as the sound of Mattie's voice, the beautiful brown color of his eyes, or the sensation of his hugs. Time from my perspective only further robs me of these vital tangibles. It is hard to believe that it is yet another Tuesday!
While I was driving today, I heard on the radio a song by George Strait entitled, "I saw God today." I have heard this song numerous times before, but for some reason the lyrics caught my attention. I think as a parent, perhaps one of the first true times you see God in action or what he is capable of, is when you have a child. On this day, where I am remembering the passing of Mattie, it seems ironic that hearing this song would bring me back to remembering the day Mattie was born. Naturally it is a day Peter and I will never forget. What is abundantly clear to me however, is that through Mattie's death, I feel more deeply than ever before. It is almost as if a protective layer of my skin has been removed, and by doing so, I am sensitive or overly sensitive to just about everything that surrounds me. I have attached the link to this song, if you are curious to hear it:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=q06AvQF5NOw
I had the opportunity to see Ann this morning. We went shopping for different things, but one of my main focuses was picking up items to design Ann's next table centerpiece. This centerpiece will be for her youngest daughter's, first holy communion party in April. So stay tuned for pictures of this creation. Some of you may recall the winter wonderland that I created for her table in December, my current project is to design a spring time garden scene for the center of the table. To me, butterflies, birds, and flowers are perfect symbols signifying the purity of the holiest and most important occasion in a Roman Catholic's life. Or in other words, when a child receives the Sacrament of the Eucharist for the first time. I find taking on these projects fun, and they allow me to step out of my usual day to day feelings for a while, and be creative.
Ann told me that Mattie was thought about and in a way was a part of her daughter Abigail's Country Fair at school. My understanding of this event is that each child is assigned a different Country to study and then creates pictures, booklets, and other representations of the culture to share with others at the fair. Abigail represented Russia quite well, and even brought in my Russian Nesting Dolls to add to her display. When Abigail opened up each of the dolls, the littiest doll had two pennies in it. Abigail was confused by this, and asked Ann where the pennies came from. Ann explained to Abigail that Mattie liked playing with these dolls, and he hid two pennies in them. Abigail then innocently stated to Ann that Mattie was therefore with her today (in spirit) at this event! This was a lovely comment to hear, especially on a Tuesday, when I reflect more than usual on Mattie's death. It is always wonderful to hear stories about how his memory is being kept alive.
I had lunch today with my friends Christine (Campbell's mom) and Ellen (Charlotte's mom). In fact, this was our first book club meeting and we discussed a book entitled, "The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet"by Jamie Ford. We had a nice lunch and chatted about a whole host of subjects. We all enjoyed this book, but agreed that the ending was too perfect, and most likely wouldn't be plausible in reality. I love learning about different cultures, and certainly love reading about relationships, so this book had the best of both worlds for me.
However, as the day continued on, I began to feel ill. It came on suddenly, and I hope that it goes away as fast as it has arrived. I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. As many of my readers know, Kristen writes to us every Tuesday. Kristen wrote, "Just a note to tell you I am thinking of you...this Tuesday and every day. Much Love."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Being a good chaplain is a fine balance of caring, compassion and a "thick skin." This is especially true for those who take up the challenge of ministering in a hospital environment where as many stories end sadly as end happily. It sounds as though Sharon has managed this difficult balance especially well. I think it is important for a chaplain to express what a loved one cannot but wants to say if that is possible. In this case, prayer in the appropriate places was something of a solace both at the time of Mattie's passing from this life, and in retrospect as well. That's not an easy thing to do. Often we end up either angry at the time and grateful later or the reverse. It is a blessing when it works both ways. I do think you are right and that the place for the support group is Georgetown if that can be managed. If it can, I know that you and those you connect with, will be the ones to make it happen. As I practice today, I will send you my strength and focus for the tasks you have ahead. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment