Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2002, when Mattie was two months old. Even at two months old, he was alert, always ON, and his eyes seemed to be absorbing everything around him. I particularly loved his facial expression in this photo. Based on his inquisitive smile, you have to wonder what he was focused on or thinking about at that moment in time.
Poem of the day: I've Stopped Looking for Him by Kim Hodne
I've stopped looking for him everywhere
I'm not sure when that happened
I don't search for him in crowds
Or his car on the road
I've stopped looking for him
Biking on the paths
Swimming in the ocean
Skiing down the hills
I've stopped watching for him
To pull up the drive way
And run in with a hug
And raid the fridge
I'm not sure when this happened
A sudden turning point?
No, rather a very slow realization
That he is not coming back
I've stopped waiting for him
To pick up the phone
And hear his sweet voice
Recounting his week
A movie plays in my head
Of the baby, little boy
Teen and young man
And it's enough
That I don't need to search for him
Around every corner
He reaches me in other ways
Always a pleasant surprise
As Ann is out of town this week, I am overseeing Mary's (Ann's mom) care. I went to visit Mary today, and she asked a lot of good questions about Ann's trip. I explained to her where her family was going on vacation and what they would be doing during the next 6 days. Mary reflected on the first time she went to Disneyworld with Ann's children. She remembered a lot of the details quite well, and clearly this trip meant a great deal to her. I am so happy Mary has these meaningful memories to pull from. I spoke to Mary about the new assisted living facility she is in. I made the mistake of asking her whether she is "happier" in the new facility! I clearly wasn't thinking, because Mary let me know that it is impossible for her to be happy again. I paused because, having lost my son too, I understood exactly what she meant and realized this wasn't the best choice in words. So I apologized and reworded the question. Mary did tell me that losing a son is something you never get over, and keep in mind her son died over two years ago. Not that long ago really, but perhaps from an outsider's perspective this seems like a great deal of time in which healing should have occurred. I now know all too well that time is irrelevant! I do understand how such a death affects your outlook on life and one's will to live, and I appreciate Mary's candor and openness to talk about this.
When Ann goes out of town, Mary greatly misses her daughter. However, I assured Mary she wouldn't be alone this week. That myself and her care companion, Shayla, would be visiting every day. Mary smiled and asked me if I am "in charge" this week while Ann is away. I laughed, and I said "yes." Mary responded by telling me, that she was very happy that it was me stepping in this week in Ann's absence, and that she was hoping it would be me. I took this as a high compliment, because I know how much Ann does for Mary, and how much Mary looks forward to seeing Ann each day. I told Mary that I was bringing lunch for her, Shayla, and myself on Friday, so that we could have a girl's luncheon. She seemed very happy about that because I how important it is to have something to plan or look forward to each week.
Tonight, Peter and I went out to dinner with Debbi. Mattie's sedation nurse angel from Georgetown University Hospital. Seeing Debbi is always delightful, and we certainly have been through hell and beyond with her. Debbi has supported us through every part of the treatment and dying process, therefore, from my perspective it would be hard not to have a deep love and appreciation for her. Over dinner, we shared with Debbi our feelings and the challenges Peter and I have as a couple, who naturally, as individuals need different things in order to grieve. Hearing all of this isn't easy, but Debbi was right there with us and supporting the process. Debbi is one of the wonderful gifts that we received through this nightmare, and I don't say that lightly.
As we were driving home tonight, we passed by The Georgetown Visitation School. I couldn't help but think about Mattie's Celebration of Life Reception which took place on that beautiful campus. In fact, I may never look at that campus the same way again. Just passing it made me reflect on Mattie's death. As I am sure parents at one point or another in time, wonder what their child will be like when he/she grows up. I distinctly remember myself imagining this when Mattie was healthy. Now of course I am left to dream about this, since I will never be able to know what he would have looked like or would have become.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad yesterday was a better day for you. Sometimes there is no where to go but up. I think your idea to donate new toys that Mattie never had an opportunity to play with is a wonderful one. I know they will be appreciated and it is a terrific way to remember and honor Mattie's memory on his birthday. I have to say I really appreciate your and Peter's changed attitude about the flowers; so often we are more about appearance than substance, worrying about how something looks rather than how someone feels. You and Peter definitely have your hearts and priorities in the right place. In spite of the weather, I hope you find some emotional sunshine in your day today; I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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