Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008, three months before he was diagnosed with cancer. I caught Mattie in action. He did not realize I was even taking the picture. Mattie loved spring, for many reasons. His birthday was in the spring, but he also loved planting a garden with Peter and I, and he especially loved the hose. He would water plants and water himself in the process. As you can see from this picture, he went outside prepared with his raincoat on, because he knew he was going to water himself in the process.
Poem of the day: A Poem for Trevor by Kim H
I never thought Texas bluebonnets would make me cry
They always were the signs of the beginnings of spring
Late March, early April and your birthday would be coming
April 5th, a time of anticipation and joy
But today, I spotted them along the roadside and they made me cry
I thought of all the photos you took of them
In masses of blue and the pinks and oranges of Indian Paintbrushes
So beautiful, you loved those photos you would sell
Texas Bluebonnets lifted everyone's spirits
Signaling the start of our Texas spring
Your photos capturing the essence of a new season
Lifting your spirits as well
I hope the Wildflowers are in Heaven for you
For then I will know you are at Peace
I hope they are as beautiful as in your photos
But I never thought Texas bluebonnets would make me cry
Today was a better day than yesterday. Though after yesterday, there was no other place, mood wise to go other than up. When I woke up this morning, I decided to do chores around our home. The simple action of moving around and focusing on a task was therapeutic in and of itself. The more physical activity I did, the better I felt. Over dinner tonight, I actually brought up the topic of Mattie's toys to Peter. Typically Peter doesn't even address these issues with me because he knows I am very sensitive about anything that belonged to Mattie. For example, today Peter innocently mentioned Speedy Red, which is sitting outside on our deck. Taking up a third of the deck space. Peter asked me who we should donate this battery operated car to. At which point I quickly responded, "to nobody." Speedy Red is important to me, and at the moment isn't leaving our home. However, over dinner, I told Peter that there are many things piled up that Mattie never got a chance to play with. These are the things I am willing to entertain donating to children who need these things. Many of these items I would like to donate to Georgetown University Hospital, because I know the excitement that new toys can bring to children who spend their days and nights in the hospital. Mattie looked forward to every new toy delivery that Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) received. I would like to bring this happiness to other children who are sick. In fact, I am thinking of timing this donation around Mattie's birthday. Mattie was about happiness, and I think this seems like one meaningful way to celebrate and recognize Mattie's 8th birthday.
Peter spent the day outside on our deck. Cleaning up our flower boxes and things, to prepare them to be planted in a few weeks. Several months ago, Peter planted crocus, daffodil, and tulip bulbs outside in our commons area. He got these bulbs a while ago so he and Mattie could plant them together, but naturally that did not happen. In Mattie's honor, Peter planted these flowers. With our recent warm days, these flowers are sprouting and blooming. They are a lovely sight to see, and Mattie would have been thrilled. These flowers are important to Peter, and he waters them often. He told me that yesterday he noticed a mother and her little girl walking over to the crocuses and admiring them. The little girl then decided to pick the crocus from the ground and take it with her. I asked Peter what his reaction to this was. At first, he said he was taken aback. But then smiled because if this flower made the little girl happy, then he was happy he planted it. It is funny after Mattie's death, Peter and I look at actions differently. In the past, we may have been upset with this child's actions, but now we appreciate it. This little girl was curious, found the flowers pretty, and wanted to capture that moment. I get that feeling now much better than I did prior to Mattie's cancer. The flower is not as important, as the feeling the flowers produce!
Later today, Peter was watering the flowers. I was inside, but I could see a little boy, maybe about 4, with his father outside on a balcony watching Peter water. The little boy started yelling down at Peter. He wanted to know what Peter was doing. The boy's father repremanded him for asking such a question. But Peter said the question was a good one, and explained to the little boy the importance of watering the flowers. I have missed the sound of children, and their questions, and hearing this little boy talking today took me back to my times with Mattie.
Peter told me that he has been hearing Mattie's wind chimes twinkling all day while he was outside. Peter said that when he walked back inside, right in the middle of the hallway floor was a plastic pop it. We have NO idea where this pop it came from. We opened no packages today. The only conclusion we came to was this was a sign from Mattie, the king of the pop its! I would like to think on some level Mattie was with us, as Peter started the spring cleaning out process.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I certainly hope you are feeling better today. As I was practicing this morning a thought came to me that learning to live with grief is like learning to drive. At first you are entirely focused on the immediate (like the front end of the car) but you find you need to start to lift your gaze further out and keep your focus further down the road. Eventually you begin to watch quite a distance out, but sometimes that means you hit a pothole (something unexpected that brings acute grief anew), but if you spend all your time watching for these you can't drive (or function at all in the world). Somehow, eventually you figure out how to drive with your attention on multiple things while accepting that you will occasionally not see some obstacle in time to completely avoid it. And so it is with learning to live with grief I think. Eventually you can find a direction to aim your life, you can even begin planning to get there, but you have to accept that sometimes you will stumble into things that will bring you back to your loss and the only way to avoid them is to do nothing at all. Unfortunately, even that will not insulate you from grief, so when you can, you should try to engage with others, remembering the need for balance and rest. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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