Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was working with Anna, his physical therapist, in the PT clinic. As you can see, Mattie was sitting on a platform swing, and Anna was trying to have Mattie stretch Steve (the name of Mattie's right leg!) and straighten out his knee as he was swinging. The irony about this picture is when Mattie was first introduced to a platform swing at his occupational therapist's office (at around age 2), Mattie was scared out of his mind. In fact, Mattie despised ALL swings and motion when he was a toddler. Kathie (Mattie's occupational therapist) worked with Mattie and I for two and a half years. I literally participated in all therapy appointments because I wanted to learn whatever techniques Kathie was doing so I could integrate them into Mattie's everyday life. Needless to say, occupational therapy with Kathie was a beautiful thing for Mattie. He slowly developed into his own person who wasn't afraid of swings, motion, textures of things, the feelings of certain foods, and a host of other sensory things. In fact, from an early point in Mattie's life, therapy was simply a part of our world. I learned a great deal about physical and occupational therapies through Mattie, and though Mattie was the identified patient, I was gaining skills and support from these vital ladies in our lives. To Anna and Kathie, I will always be grateful.
Quote of the day: I don't know why God makes people and then takes them back while they're still having fun with the life He gave them in the first place. Just like I don't know if I'm supposed to celebrate the fact that Gilda (Radner) was in my life, or feel cheated that she's not here anymore. But even though her body grew to betray her, spirits just don't die. And that's what Gilda was. ~ Alan Zweibel
This is a powerful quote to me, because it is stating many of the same questions and feelings I have on a daily basis. Why did God take Mattie back, when he was having fun and still living? How am I to deal with this loss, am I to "celebrate" that Mattie was in my life or feel "cheated" because he is no longer here? I honestly do not have answers to either question, but I see others share this same quandary and disbelief as they try to understand and navigate their losses. Not that I take comfort in this notion, but knowing that others have these same fears, thoughts, and feelings does help me feel less isolated. As I look at photos around our home this week, and I stare into Mattie's eyes, through these two-dimensional illustrations, what jumps out at me is Mattie's spirit in all dimensions. Mattie was filled with an infectious energy and personality, and you can almost sense these aspects of him by staring into his eyes or gazing at his beautiful smile.
This afternoon, I met Ann at a local shopping mall. She needed to purchase something at the Apple store. I must admit I have NEVER ventured into an Apple store before. But I must say it was a total experience. On a Thursday, at 1pm, I was stunned to see this store packed with people. People of all ages. Ann and I wanted to know why the children we saw weren't in school, and why were all these adults shopping?! The way things work at the Apple store is there is no checkout lines, no cash registers, and really no centralized location in the store to get help. The store assistants are simply dispersed around the store and literally buzzing around helping people. In fact, Ann went through three people, until we found one person who would stand still long enough to answer her questions. Three is a charm, and this third guy was something out of a sitcom. Honestly I should have taken out my camera, but I knew that would have been over the top awkward. This person, like all the other assistants was wearing a blue t-shirt, and was holding what looked like an iphone in his hand. However, this was no ordinary gadget. It was like a remote cash register, but it was no bigger than the size of a pocket calculator. Needless to say he was able to swipe Ann's credit card and do just about everything with this tiny hand held device. I was simply perplexed by this whole operation and I started asking him what does he do if a customer hands him cash or wants a paper receipt. He had logical answers to both questions. By the time I finished with him, I am not sure who found who more entertaining. Ann was mediating this dialogue, and once her transaction was complete, I found that in five minutes I had laughed more than during the entire week. I literally had tears in my eyes. My hunch is, we may have been his guy's funniest customers for the day!
Ann and I had lunch together and we chatted about a host of different things. Time went quickly and I literally put my issues aside for a period of time, which made me feel lighter. When I got home, I spent time in our garden, Patches (our cat) joined me outside, and I caught up on other chores. However, I received an email from my colleague and friend, Nancy today. In our email dialogue we talked about a word I don't always use, but it is definitely a vital word when coping with traumatic grief, and that is SAFETY. When your world falls apart around you, and you see your child suffer and then die in a horrific way, this shatters normalcy and it also eats away at any thoughts of safety. It is hard not to be deeply affected by Mattie's loss and to not live in fear. Fear that everything you thought you understood about the world NO longer makes sense. So the question is how to go about feeling safe again? Again, I have no answers to this question, other than I know I need certain people and activities in my life to make me feel safe and to make me feel secure. In time perhaps this will change, but for now, I take comfort in knowing that I at least have some protective factors in my life.
I began tonight's posting with a quote about Gilda Radner, and now I would like to end tonight's posting with a quote from her. "It's such an act of optimism to get through a day and enjoy it and laugh and do all that without thinking about dying. What spirit human beings have!" ~ Gilda Radner
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