Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was in a physical therapy session with Anna. Anna understood that therapy for Mattie had to be creative, fun, and stimulating. She did not disappoint. In fact, I would imagine that Mattie pushed Anna in many ways as a professional, and unlike others, Anna not only could handle the challenge but managed many difficult occasions with us beautifully. In this picture, Mattie was racing "Steve," the name that Dr. Bob gave to Mattie's right leg, on a mirror with paint. We timed his right leg versus his left leg. Mattie's left leg, "George," was quite a leg. This was the only extremity that Mattie did not have an operation on, and George could do just about anything an arm and hand could do! Mattie's nurses knew this first hand. George was skilled at pulling belts off of sweaters and rumaging through nurses pockets and pulling out all sorts of things.
Quote of the day: I remember the first minute that Carl (Sagan) and I fell in love. The gates of the world opened up, but at the same moment I had a sense of awesome liabilities. When you love someone that much and you are that happy, you know that if something happens to the other person you will be smashed. Still, I have learned in the last six months that when you love someone with your heart and soul, you are left with something that is enough to sustain you. Loving on what is essentially a tiny pale blue dot, as Carl called the Earth, and having that soaring experience is what makes the vastness bearable. ~ Annie Druyan (remembering her husband)
I had a slow start to the day, but I finally pulled myself away from the computer and got it together and went out this afternoon. The weather was simply glorious, in the 80s and humid. It could stay this way year round, and I would be absolutely happy. Sometimes when I feel as down as I do, it is hard to want to leave our home. But I decided to go for a pedicure, which forced me out into the world. However, this week where ever I go, I have my stack of research papers in tow with me. The papers are all addressing the psychosocial risks of a pediatric cancer diagnosis. It reminds me of my days in graduate school when I was trying to write my dissertation.
Later in the afternoon, I stopped by Ann's house, and we had lunch together, and I spent time in her gardens. Her praying mantis was in his usual spot today and unfortunately was successful at capturing a butterfly and was eating half of it while I was watering the plants.
This evening, Peter raced home so that we could head to a play called, The Talented Mr. Ripley. Some of you may be familiar with Patricia Highsmith's novel, or perhaps have seen the movie with Matt Damon. I was familiar with neither, but when I read that the play was a psychological thriller, it caught my attention and I bought tickets. The irony is I never knew about this playhouse in Maryland until I recently won tickets to this theatre from Mattie's preschool 2010 auction. The Roundhouse Theatre in Bethesda, MD is a charming theatre and the quality of their performances are solid and creatively done!
The synoposis the theatre provided about the play was: Enigmatic conman Tom Ripley is determined to gain wealth and social status by any means possible. The perfect opportunity arises when American financier Herbert Greenleaf sends him to Italy to track down his son, who has been living the high life there with his beautiful girlfriend. His mission takes on a sinister twist as the lives of Ripley and young Richard Greenleaf become inextricably entwined – with murder the only way out.
The character of Mr. Ripley was truly disturbing. He literally lives in his own world, where abusing people, killing people, and having no remorse for any of his actions are all acceptable. He occasionally has private moments where you can see he is tortured by his actions, but he quickly finds a way to talk himself through those thoughts and these talks only seem to strengthen his psychopathic personality. During the intermission, Peter and I walked out into the hallway of the theatre. I told him to pull out his blackberry because I wanted him to read the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder. As Peter glanced through the criteria, he said, "absolutely, you are right."
The terminology antisocial is quite misused in our society. Because we assume people are being antisocial if they are being aloof, unfriendly, and standoffish. However, this is NOT what antisocial means according to the DSM-IVTR. I included (below) the criteria one needs to meet to obtain such a diagnosis if you are interested.
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Diagnostic Features:
Antisocial Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by persistent disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood. Deceit and manipulation are central features of this disorder. For this diagnosis to be given, the individual must be at least 18, and must have had some symptoms of Conduct Disorder (i.e., delinquency) before age 15. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing.
Diagnostic Criteria:
Three or more of the following are required:
1) Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
2) Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3) Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4) Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5) Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6) Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
7) Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
Since these antisocial behaviors are commonly observed in children and adolescents, this disorder is only diagnosed if these antisocial behaviors persist into adulthood (i.e., if age is 18 or older). The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality requires that there was evidence of delinquency (Conduct Disorder) with onset before age 15 years. This is in contrast to the (non-DSM-IV) diagnosis of being a psychopath which does not require a prior diagnosis of Conduct Disorder. The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is not made if the occurrence of antisocial behavior occurs exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia or a Manic Episode.
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The Talented Mr. Ripley is NOT upbeat by any stretch of the imagination. The sad part about this play is that there are individuals in our world like Mr. Ripley's character. Nonetheless, the play was stimulating, and portrayed a scary insight into the depths of this personality disorder and the effects this disorder has on others. I did not come away from this play happy, but it did take my mind off of my own issues for a while, and it gave Peter and I the opportunity to spend time together doing things we used to enjoy at one time.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "So often, when you write I am moved beyond words. Then there are times that I need a 'crib sheet' to catch all my key points and comment. This is one of those times. First of all, I am so proud of the way that you approach each day. Just as you spoke of partner relationships, it is true that many do not let anyone in when dealing with so intense a grief. Many times you provoke and promote others to question where they are. You inspire others to deal with their present value system and decide if there are holes. Commentators of the blog have often stated how their lives have been changed by all of your family. This is another reason to keep the blog going. It is something that you can do on the Foundation page as a shift when you want to stop this blog. My idea is: as word spreads about the foundation, families will have questions and I see a Dear Vicki column in the making. A family would have a link to ask questions and you or someone on the foundation board would be able to respond. As far as you going on this new board. All I can say is "You go, Girl!" Peter's comment shows how well he knows you and your devotion to a cause, this cause, especially. In an ironic way, having the board chair and you, as mothers who have lost their children, will bring a well needed balance. It is a spiritual message! I see you beginning the study of this community and funneling your energy into changing the current policies and procedures.This is doable unlike getting our governmental lobbyists to see the value in giving money towards research and more importantly supplemental services for families. I was reflecting on your comments regarding a marital relationship and the many couples who drift apart and may break as the result of a trauma like yours. It is more common than what Peter and you exhibit. In learning about your relationship, you were friends and co-workers before Mattie. You were individuals who learned how to balance different styles and interests and decide to make a commitment to your union. I believe Peter and you have gotten even closer with Mattie's death as now you have each other once again. Unfortunately, you didn't get to your Empty Nest in a happy way. Yet, so many couples go through this same issue when they haven't established who they are outside of being parents and later divorces, affairs result. There is more to explore here too. My final comments are about the 'Mattie" messages. Mattie and Charlotte - a love story. Your Mattie was an old soul in a young body. Each of these images and/or pictures that show Mattie going through a life's passage before its natural time expresses an unexplained sense of closure on his part before anyone else knew it. There is a sweetness about little ones focusing on their later life. For Mattie, it was his trying new things or thinking outside the box that is amazing. It is cause for a smile. You've said earlier how the children keep reminding you that they are so connected with Mattie's soul too. Katharina's wanting to send a picture of the caterpillar to you and her calling out "Oh, Mattie." took my breath away. And Kristen, staying connected after this amount of time is another example of the unique care that Mattie, Peter, and you received. This may be unorthodox because doctors are to move on, yet, during a family's need to be heard is immeasurable. I imagine that Kristen's connection is made stronger, too, because now she is a parent and her understanding of the fragility of this relationship is heightened by her care and personal loss of Mattie. Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts and stimulate my heart in such a meaningful way. I embrace my family with a renewed sense of love and understanding. I wish you an easier day today, a day where you can take a breath and realize that all you do is exhausting. With love always and in all ways."
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