Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old. We took Mattie to his favorite restaurant for Easter. What Mattie did not expect was a life sized bunny coming over to the table to greet him and give him gifts. Mattie handled this encounter much better than I did at his age. My mom still tells some great stories about when I first met Santa Claus and don't get her started on the Easter Bunny. Some how both of these characters scared me to death. I usually landed up hiding under a table to avoid being singled out. Mattie however, looked to me that day, and when I told him it was okay, he seemed to play right along and of course smiled. What a great smile.
Quote of the day: I never spoke to God nor visited in heaven; yet certain am I of the spot as if the chart were given. ~ Emily Dickinson
As I was reading through the book of grief poems my friend and colleague, Denise gave me, I came across this one by Emily Dickinson. I would like to have her certainty about heaven. It is somewhat ironic that many of the foundational components of Catholicism that I grew up with, I accepted, and I did not question them. However, when Mattie developed cancer and then died, not only did this rock my world, but it also shook my entire belief system. In my pre-cancer world, children did not get terminal illnesses and die (well at least not the children I knew). But seeing cancer up close and slowly devour your child, changes everything. Suddenly everything I held dear and understood did not make sense anymore. So there are times I wonder is there a heaven, is Mattie in it, and is he okay? Certainly these are questions with NO answers forthcoming. I can only hope that Mattie is out of pain, is happy, and is having a chance to live his childhood in peace somewhere else.
There was nothing wrong with today, and yet nothing right with it either. I spent the day at home. Working on many different projects. So unlike my usual report, I really do not have much to say. My furry companion, Patches, was by my side today, as I was working around our home. When Peter got home tonight, we had a conversation about the upcoming holiday season. Neither one of us is prepared for this, not that we were last year, but this year the magnitude of Mattie's loss seems far greater, and as Peter says to me all the time...... how are we going to pull out of this feeling?! Great question, of which I really do not have an answer. Other than taking it one day at a time. The next couple of days I am having lunch with friends and then have one hospital event to attend on Thursday and a licensure board meeting on Friday. So this will force me to get out, interact, and be productive.
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