Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. That particular Christmas we spent in Deerfield Beach, FL with my parents. Peter and I rarely spent Christmas in Washington, DC. It happened on occasion, but it wasn't often. So Mattie was conditioned that Christmas meant traveling to see family. In 2006, this was our first Christmas in Florida, and Mattie loved it. He loved the sun, the beach, and the ocean. As you can see in this picture, Mattie was having fun on the beach with his favorite sand buddy, Peter. Mattie and Peter could spend HOURS building and creating sandcastles on the beach. They were great at digging and building, and once they were done, Mattie usually would seek my help for decorating with seashells and seaweed. What you may not be able to tell from this picture, was that they dug quite a city in the sand, it went down several feet and took a great deal of time to create. Apparently this city was SO inviting that two other boys came over to join Mattie and Peter that day, and the playgroup just kept growing that afternoon!
Quote of the day: Because of you, I love a little more. Because of you, I take time to give an extra kiss good-bye. Because of you, I have a new favorite song. Because of you, there may be dust on the window sill, and I don't care. Because of you, I live today, before I worry about tomorrow. Because of you, I don't give up quite as fast. Because of you, I still believe in rainbows. Because of you, now I can help or listen more. Because of you, today, I am me. ~ Eileen Wernsman
I relate quite deeply to tonight's quote. I am sure if I polled parents they would all admit that having a child changed their lives. It would be impossible for it not to. Children require your time, energy, and all sorts of resources. Having a child expands one's lens and focus, and at times you can even forget who you are in the process, because of this intense bond and role. But having a child and then losing that child, are beyond a rude awakening. Before Mattie got sick and died, my world was very orderly. Which meant for example that our home was organized and also reflected the people who lived in it. Being organized to me was key, it made me happy, and it helped me also balance Mattie full time and also work. However, now this level of organization no longer matters. Instead, I live life in piles and with Mattie's things all around me. On some level this bothers me, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter one iota. It is not important. I no longer worry about the future, I instead have maintained the one day at a time philosophy. A philosophy I never quite understood until Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. However, now that I have experienced cancer and Mattie's death, I can't go back. I can't return to my old life. I was always inclined to help and listen to people, which is why I selected to become a mental health professional, however, the way I listen and understand people now are completely different. It is almost at a heightened level. The problem naturally with all of this is that while I have changed internally the world around me has not. I suppose I should be thankful! Otherwise that would mean that the majority of the world experienced cancer and the death of a child. Nonetheless, being different and feeling different are not always a good feeling, nor is feeling misunderstood at times.
Peter and I worked on a project together at home today, and while chatting and brainstorming the project, Peter had 80's music on in the background. I did not realize what I was listening to at first, until it sunk in. I was being transported back to our college days. But there was deeper meaning, I realized, to is music selection. Peter chose to listen to 80's music because the theme of the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation fundraiser tonight in Florida was the 80's!! In fact, Peter spoke with Whitney (one of Mattie's favorite childlife interns at the Hospital) today, who gave us an update about the wonderful auction items and the plans for the evening. We are very grateful to the VP 26 Tridents Officer Spouse Club for hosting this event, for keeping Mattie's memory alive, and for raising funds to help other children fighting cancer. Whitney's sister, Palen (the Vice President of the Officers Club) posted this picture tonight on her facebook page. In the picture is Whitney, dressed in her 80's outfit, holding up one of the fundraising posters they created. The picture of Mattie on the poster board was taken during the Halloween Parade (2007) at his school, when he was dressed as an air force pilot.Peter and I went out to dinner tonight with Ann and Bob as well as another couple. I have met Lauren before on several occasions, but never had the opportunity to have dinner with her and her husband. Lauren is one of the people I have gotten to know after Mattie's death and right from the beginning of our relationship she has encouraged me to turn the blog into a book. Lauren sees the potential for the material and for my writing. Not that others closer to me haven't given me similar feedback, but hearing this from someone who I did not know well, but who I consider well read and connected to our cultural climate, it made me stop and listen. Her comments have remained with me and I appreciated the opportunity to get to know her better tonight, and naturally don't you know when we parted company this evening, she told me she wanted to get together with me soon to talk about my book.
As we were walking home this evening, it dawned on me just how cold it was outside. I have been watching Peter bring many of our beautiful plants indoors over the past two weekends, but somehow even that did not make an impression on me, until I was hit by tonight's cold air. The funny part about this is all my green friends outside, are NOW inside with us. I am not just talking about a few plants, instead our living room looks like a greenhouse, and I can't wait to see what it looks like when Peter drags in the 6 foot tall lemon tree! All I know is Patches, our cat, is very excited by these new additions, and frankly with winter coming this may be the only green we see for a very long time.
No comments:
Post a Comment