Tonight's picture was taken in September 2005, on Mattie's very first day of preschool. I remember I was a nervous wreck leaving Mattie at school. He was clinging to me and I felt guilty for leaving him for three hours. If I did not have a good feeling about Margaret (Mattie's teacher), then I can assure you I most likely wouldn't have left the parking lot. But somehow I trusted Margaret with Mattie. As you can see within his very first day of preschool, he gravitated to clay and creating something. That year, Margaret put all the pictures of the children in the class on the front of the classroom door. The picture that greeted us each day on the door, was this very picture you see tonight. I remember seeing it day in and day out, and I honestly never thought in my wildest imagination that five years later, all I would have are the pictures!
Poem in Honor of Veteran's Day: The Uniform
It's not just in the uniform
That everyone can see
It's more in the simple dream
Of what America should be
Where people sleep in comfort
Without the thought of fear
Because someone in uniform
Stands ready, poised and near
To defend the constitution
And preserve our way of life
Standing watch in times of peace
And ready for times of strife
You may not see them every day
Those of honor, in green and blue
But they are there to fight and die
To preserve the dream for you
Before I begin tonight's posting, I feel it is important to acknowledge the significance of the day, Veteran's Day. In recognition and remembrance of all our veteran's and military personnel who have and continue to serve our Country each day, we thank you. Without these selfless and heroic individuals, we would not have the freedoms that we some times take for granted on any given day. May we never forget.
I had lunch today with Tina. Tina is one of Ann's neighbors and we became friends after Mattie's death. Many of my faithful readers may remember that Tina hosted a birthday party for me in July at her house. Tina has a very lovable dog, Max, who I have gotten to know and on occasion when she sends me a Max in action photo, it makes me laugh and smile. Animals can be wonderful therapy some times, because you won't find a better listener to your problems!
Tina introduced me to a new restaurant today and I had the delightful opportunity to have lunch with her youngest daughter and her daughter's friend. These girls are in 4th and 5th grades, and I found them SO well behaved. They were polite, respectful, could entertain themselves, as well as dialogue with adults beautifully. What I admired about these two girls is they enjoyed talking to each other, about all sorts of things. The art of communication is something that is slowly dwindling in the younger generations, but being a part of this interchange today gave me great hope. We chatted about all sorts of things, and I am finding I am trying to relearn the art of being a friend and existing in the living world again. Once you experienced cancer and the death of a child, it is extremely hard to re-integrate back into the world, and some days I do it better than others. I am happy I got out today and had the chance to get to know Tina better.
I spent several hours with Mary (Ann's mom). I was so happy to see Mary's eyes open when I entered her room. She seemed tired, but as soon as I sat down on her bed, we started talking and literally talked for two hours straight. Though Mary was sleeping through my visit yesterday, she knew I was there. Especially since I reorganized furniture. She knows I have no problem moving things around, and has watched me do it on previous occasions. She missed the show yesterday, but her roommate found me absolutely fascinating. Mary and I talked about all sorts of things. However, what I find so intriguing about Mary is that she says things to me, totally unsolicited, but basically at a time when I need to hear them. Mary told me the following....... she said that she worries about me because I carry and live with a very heavy weight on my shoulders, the death of Mattie. She went on to tell me that not everyone understands this weight, and what they don't understand is that it doesn't go away. She told me how her husband handled her son's death, and how that was different from how she dealt with this loss. This was a lot of content to process, but she continued. She said even with this heavy weight, I helped care for her husband, her daughter, and now her. She told me she doesn't know how I do this, and she also said that I am a very special friend to Ann and that Ann is lucky to have me in her life. She wanted me to know that I am appreciated. After she spoke, all I could say was that her words meant a great deal to me and coming from her, I was honored. Mary's response was, "I thought so!"
Mary wants to know what I will be doing on Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said that she imagined these holidays were going to be more difficult for me this year. Absolutely! I told her that I may be spending Thanksgiving with her, but most likely not Christmas. I just can't handle it this year. Mary is well aware of Ann's role with Team Mattie, and basically stated that if I am in town, then it only makes sense that I spend it with her daughter. It is ironic, Mary and I don't see each other daily, nor does she see Ann and I interact on a regular basis, yet apparently she has seen enough to develop her own impressions and feelings about our friendship.
I brought Mary dinner tonight, and I sat with her and helped her eat. However, after she was done, I had to leave since I had a Georgetown University Hospital event to attend tonight. Mary wanted to make sure I wasn't going by myself and asked all about the event.
Peter and I attended the Georgetown Pediatrics Friends and Sponsors dinner at the Four Seasons Hotel in DC. It was quite a special night, with food, gifts, flowers, and attention to detail. The Georgetown Pediatric Parent Advisory Board was receiving an award this year, and as a new member to this board, Peter and I had the wonderful opportunity to be included. This was an philanthropic event and it was wonderful to meet so many wonderful people within the community who generously donate to the Hospital to support the pediatrics programs. Early in the evening, I met Rachel. I actually met Rachel several times in the Hospital while Mattie was alive. Rachel's son also has Osteosarcoma, however, unlike Mattie, Noah is an Osteosarcoma survivor. He is 11 years old and truly a ray of sunshine. He beams with life, energy, and brilliance. He is a very well spoken young boy and a wonderful picture of survivorship! What I did not know about Rachel however, is that she is a daily blog reader. I am always grateful to learn who is reading the blog, and it is thanks to Rachel that I went to get a mammogram. I distinctly remember Rachel telling me about the correlation between sons with Osteosarcoma and their mom's developing breast cancer. I remember my interactions with Rachel in the Hospital, because they made an impression on me. Which says a lot, since NOT much made it through my filter back then if it did not involve Mattie.
Peter and I had the opportunity to see several well deserving individuals receive awards tonight for their financial generosity to the Hospital. One young girl in her 20's stood out to us. She was born at Georgetown as a premature baby. When her grandmother died, she was only 16 years old. Her grandmother left her $1000. Instead of spending this money, she donated it to Georgetown's premie program. But her creativity and thoughtfulness did not stop there. She and her mom started a "pennies for premies" program. It was a grassroots effort at first, and then with CVS' help, it branched out throughout the region. To date they have raised over $90,000 for Georgetown's premie program. Her story was inspiring, and she was one of many stories shared this evening. There was another family who was recognized, and they told the audience that their son had Osteosarcoma. However, again, unlike Mattie, this fellow survived and is 25 years old now. Naturally hearing two examples tonight of young boys who survived Osteosarcoma is promising and raises hope about treating a horrible, horrible disease. However, I am only human, and I can't help but feel deep sadness that Mattie wasn't one of these lucky children. Of course these survivors have their own lifetime issues to contend with, so I am not saying their lives are easy by any stretch of the imagination. But in Mattie's case, his Osteosarcoma was so rare, he never really had a chance at survival. I hate the feeling within myself of feeling bitter and angry. I have to be happy that children survive cancer. On some level I am, and on the other level, all I can say is why not Mattie? So this awards presentation was bittersweet for me.
After the dinner and ceremony were over, we had the chance to connect with Aziza Shad (the director of the pediatric Lombardi Clinic, and the doctor who was with us the week Mattie died) and my new found friend at Georgetown, Tim. They introduced us to some wonderful people attending tonight's event. One of the people they introduced us to was Patricia. I noticed Patricia earlier in the evening because when one of the speakers mentioned the Red Sox, she clapped and got very excited. Not unlike the other die hard fan in the audience, Peter. It is ironic that this same person I noticed earlier in the evening was the person Tim wanted to introduce me to. Patricia lost a son as well, her only child. It turns out she is from Boston and also went to Boston College. We had a great deal in common and her husband is the chairman of the board of Georgetown Pediatrics. She and her husband reached out to us, and it is our hope to continue this wonderful connection. Patricia is very passionate about helping children. She said to me that we couldn't save our own sons, but we are empowered to save others! She hugged me tightly for several minutes, and that is a sure fired way to get my crying. Which is what happened.
Peter and I appreciated being invited tonight and for having this opportunity to get to know some of the parent advisory board members better. The chair of the board assigned me with a research task. To find out who the gurus are in pediatric end of life care arena. The board wants to start a training program for nurses and doctors at the Hospital. I relate to end of life care, and I feel this is something Mattie's Foundation can become involved in and support.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a beautiful message I received last night from my friend and colleague, Denise. Denise's message brought a smile to my face, and I value this feedback. Denise wrote, "Just read the blog tonight and I was so touched by your compassion for the woman who is struggling with Alzheimer's. I lost my beloved grandmother to Alzheimer's 18 years ago and miss her everyday. I hope that there was someone with your compassion and understanding who sat with her at some point. As part of the trauma treatment training that I am doing, I have focused on learning more about sensorimotor psychotherapy-the whole mind-body connection. In the language of that world, what you did for that woman, and for Mattie each and every day of his life, was to serve as the neurobiological regulator for them. That speaks volumes about your ability to empathize and connect to people, especially to Mattie. I think of you daily and send a prayer and thoughts your way. Sitting with that woman and connecting with her took a tremendous amount of courage and strength on your part. I can visualize Mattie watching that scene and saying, "Good job, Mom." You still believe in healing. All the best to you tonight and peaceful dreams."
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