Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. As you can see Mattie was outside with Peter and his ride-on fire engine. Mattie loved ALL vehicles and he especially loved the color RED. I think it is ironic that Mattie began riding a red toy and as so many of you know his last toy (a motorized ride-on car, SPEEDY RED) was much larger and also very red.
Quote of the day: In youth one has tears without grief; in age, griefs without tears. ~ Joseph Roux
I began my day walking. I haven't done that in quite some time. I was planning on walking outside, but both Peter and Ann told me it was freezing outside and wasn't a good idea for me. So instead, I went to an indoor mall with Ann and we walked around. Not as nice as being outside, but it was better than walking on a treadmill. We walked over 2.7 miles together and talked about the Foundation Walk along our journey.
While I was with Ann today, she needed to stop at Mattie's school to pick up some materials she needed. I decided to wait in the car for her, and I figured that would be fine. What I did not figure on, was it was recess time for many of the younger children, and they exited their school building in groups and headed to the playground.
I have to tell you it was a very hard sight to see..... streams of children running to the playground, a playground Mattie spent many hours on. Yet in all the children I saw, something was missing.... Mattie! I remember Mattie bundled up and walking the same pathway as the children today. Some times I wonder why life is so unfair. Why are some children healthy and others are taken away from us? In the midst of all these thoughts, I could see Mattie's tree in the distance. Just like Bob's (Mattie's lower head of school) picture illustrated two nights ago, Mattie's tree has its leaves on it. I really do not understand this, since every tree around it is barren! Yet this tiny oak stands proud and strong. So between the children and the tree, it was a powerful visit. When Ann got back in the car, she could see that I wasn't in the best of places. If Mattie were alive today, he would be 8 years old, and in third grade. In Mattie's school, children who are in 3rd to 5th grade are in a separate building from where he was in kindergarten. So in essence Mattie would be older than any of the children I saw on the playground today. Yet in my mind, Mattie will always be 7, the age he was when he died. I unfortunately will never get to know Mattie at age 8, 9, 10, and so forth. These are years robbed from Peter and I, and I am not sure I can describe the feeling associated with this kind of loss, despite my best attempts each and every night.
This evening when I got back home, I received two packages in the mail. I wasn't expecting anything. But I received a valentine's day gift from my parents as well as a gift from my friend, Angie, in Boston. Angie and I went to graduate school together, and we both survived, and got our degrees, despite having abusive mentors. It is amazing how such an experience can bond people together. Angie is a faithful blog reader, and has followed our story since Mattie was diagnosed. To my surprise, Angie sent me chocolate heart shaped cookies. Needless to say, both packages brightened my day. I sometimes need brightening, especially when I have moments when the reality of Mattie's loss is just too much.
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