Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Notice that this is the SAME location as last night's picture. The only difference is it was two months later and Mattie was walking by this point. You can really see the dramatic increase in his growth and development if you compare the two pictures! Mattie was always intrigued by my plant stand, and one day I saw him attempt to climb it. That was all I had to see, and that night I had Peter move this wrought iron stand against the wall, because I was afraid Mattie would hurt himself if he used this structure as a jungle gym. It is quite ironic, I spent my days trying to foresee danger and obstacles in Mattie's life. However when cancer struck, I realized just how powerless I was over protecting Mattie from life's greatest pains.
Quote of the day: The cure for grief is motion. ~ Elbert Hubbard
There is some truth with regard to tonight's quote. I think motion helps on two fronts. First, the motion of walking (or exercise) I have found to be very therapeutic and helps me feel physically and mentally better about myself. However, since I have returned from Los Angeles, I haven't walked much and kept up my exercise routine. Something I hope I can return to soon. Secondly, the motion of staying busy I have found at times to be very needed and helpful. This week has been a busy one for me with regard to planning the Foundation's Walk. I have found it stimulating and exhausting all at the same time.
I had the wonderful opportunity today to have lunch with my friend, Olivia. My faithful readers may remember that Olivia was instrumental in helping Peter and I plan Mattie's celebration of life event at Georgetown Visitation Day School. It was a very special remembrance and truly captured Mattie's spirit. This type of help and support, during such an amazingly challenging time, is something I will never forget. We are very grateful to Olivia, and I am so happy she has agreed to help us with the planning of this year's Walk. I have taken on the role of the Walk chair this year, and I deeply appreciate all my dedicated volunteers. I couldn't do any of this without their focus, efforts, and dedication.
Olivia and I discussed all aspects of the Walk today and I found her questions, insights, and feedback extremely helpful. I appreciated her acknowledgment of the mental energy I have put into the planning of the Walk already. That meant a lot to me because things are finally gelling in my head over the last three weeks and I am happy that actually comes across in my conversations.
Olivia and I were also chatting about one of her daughter's, who is Mattie's age. Olivia told me the following story. Florence, her daughter, belongs to her school's brownie troop, and recently she went around her neighborhood selling girl scout cookies. As some of you may recall, Mattie's school's brownie troop is giving some of their proceeds to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation this year. One of Florence's neighbors did not want to buy cookies, so Florence suggested that instead she consider supporting one of the charitable organizations they were sponsoring this year. So the neighbor asked Florence about them. Florence told her one of the organizations pertained to diabetes, and then she explained the other is called Mattie Miracle. Naturally the neighbor asked her what was Mattie Miracle about. Olivia was with Florence, but Olivia (as was I) was curious how Florence was going to answer this question and therefore remained quiet. Florence told her that Mattie was a classmate at her school who had cancer. She said that Mattie Miracle is an organization created by Mattie's parents and the money would help his parents to always remember Mattie. I actually thought that was a very touching response, because in essence what Florence is saying is that through Mattie's Foundation his memory and legacy will always remain alive. I couldn't have said it better. Frankly Olivia's story inspired me, because it illustrates to me that children can understand cancer or illness on some level, and they too can advocate for a cause. I have no doubt that Florence's neighbor will remember her story, and in a way Florence enhanced her neighbor's awareness of pediatric cancer.
Later on this evening, after Peter got home from work, we loaded up the car and headed to the Lego store at the mall. Tonight we made a huge donation to Lego of thousands and thousands of bricks. The store will use this donation to make other children happy, and since Mattie spent so much time at that store, we felt this was the right thing to do. In addition, this store is helping us tremendously with activities at this year's Foundation Walk. We had the opportunity to meet Liz again. Liz is the store's assistant manager, and she remembers Mattie quite well. It was wonderful to see Liz wearing a Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation pin on her Lego apron, and to hear all the wonderful plans she has put into place for the Walk. Clearly Mattie's story has impacted Liz, and though Mattie wasn't with us tonight, I felt his spirit within the store. I couldn't help but recall his last visit to the store. It was a special visit that Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) arranged. A visit in which he got to go to the store after hours when no one else was there and met Lego masters and then created a self designed NYC taxicab (like the one he rode in during his trips to NY to go to Sloan Kettering). It was a night to remember, a night that of course flashes before our eyes, as Peter and I walked into the store.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three wonderful messages I received today. The first one comes to me all the way from GERMANY! I was deeply moved by Claudia's message and how Mattie's blog touches the lives of complete strangers. His story is powerful and when I receive messages like this, it reminds me why I do what I do each and every night. Thank you CLAUDIA. Claudia wrote, "I don't know if this is the right way to write you an e-mail (I don't really want to comment on this particular post per se), but I couldn't read and not respond. A few days ago I googled something and a link to your blog came up. I've been reading since. My name is Claudia, I live in Germany, and my (Canadian) husband and I have two children, Finn (5) and Lily (soon to be 4). Vicki and Peter, I am so sorry for your loss. The story of your lives is one of amazing love, dedication, strength and resilience, and I know it has a huge impact on so many people's lives. But I do wish it would have had a different ending for Mattie. Mattie will NOT be forgotten, he will be remembered and missed by many on this earth and I believe he is safe and whole now in the arms of the Father. I know that I will never forget him or his story. I've looked at countless pictures of him in the last few days and my heart is just broken for you. Some of the pictures literally took my breath away. The butterfly balloon his school counselor Susan gave him in March 2009 is the exact same we bought for Lily's 3rd birthday party. Every child was sent home with that butterfly balloon after the party. And I am pretty sure the pants Mattie is wearing in the bug garden party pictures (for his 7th birthday) are from Gymboree. I bought the same pair for Finn. So, reading your blog and looking at all those pictures I actually feel like I "know" you. I just want to tell you that I am thinking of you and am praying for you. And, in a way, grieving with you, because I know just how deep our love as parents for our children really runs. Wishing you peace from Germany. P.S. And I think you are all aptly named: a Gift from God, a Conqueror, and a Rock."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read your Tuesday 7 Feb blog and all I can say is that going back into the hospital must feel something akin to going back to the scene of an accident that had a fatality; I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you and for anyone else who had a child die at a particular hospital to set yourself to walk through the doors again. It takes a special kind of courage to steel yourself so that you can be there to help others. I hope that eventually what you are doing helps you to deal with Mattie's loss however you can. You as always remain in my thoughts and prayers."
The final message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "As I sit at my computer with my notes on what I wanted to share with you, I am reminded of your beautiful descriptions and detail that occur each day on the blog. You write in a way that engages the reader and does transmit a lot of feeling. None of us who haven't experienced Cancer and its impact are truly able to feel exactly what Peter and you are feeling. What we can do is love, support, and be of strength to you when you are so vulnerable. One of my quirks regarding the blog is to view the counter. I imagine that some people are like me and might go back more than once within a day, others daily, and still others are discovering it for the first time. This besides the Foundation link and work is a daunting task. One that you, both, handle with dedication and humility. Two other qualities that many can't aspire to , yet, admire. As usual, there are so many prompts and thoughts that illicit a visceral response within me or cause me to pause and take a deep breath.The last two points revolve around Mattie's tree and Peter and Mattie. It was great of Bob to send the picture. How miraculous to see that it still bears leaves while other trees are bare. It is a fitting metaphor for Mattie's life and existence. I look forward to viewing it in person on my next trip to DC. The marriage of nature and man is often written about and this tree is a perfect symbol of this deep connection. Through your inclusion of pictures illustrating Mattie's life, those of us who never had the privilege of actually being in his life have gotten to know something about him. The picture of Peter and Mattie watering the deck in the Outer Banks is priceless. I love pictures like this one because they express the richness of a relationship. Mattie and you had one kind of beautiful bonding and Peter and Mattie's pictures show the tasks that 'Pals" do together. Here I am saddened for Peter too. I am so glad that I've met him and spoken with him. These pictures are richer for me as a result of our time recently. It evokes much emotion and says more in the picture than words can express. Again thank you for letting me know the Brown Family. It is a Gift of Living!"
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