Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011 -- Mattie died 94 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007.  Mattie had built a structure out of Lincoln Logs, and I snapped a picture of that moment in time. Mattie liked Lincoln Logs, but they definitely did not even come close to his love for Legos. What possessed me to take pictures of Mattie throughout his life doing normal everyday tasks and activities was beyond me, but looking back now, I am so happy I was camera happy. Otherwise, memories like this one would have been lost forever.


Quote of the day: Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. ~ Kahlil Gibran

I found this quote today and I simply love it. I had to read it multiple times to get the true meaning of it. As it relates to grief, I think it is spot on. We all walk around under the delusion that we understand how the world works, what controls our lives, and that we guide our goals and ultimate destination and future. When you suffer a major loss, grief is in essence the mechanism or FORCE that breaks our "shell." A shell which holds us together, which has guided the principles and philosophy of our lives, and ultimately provides our lives with meaning and UNDERSTANDING. When the shell breaks, our understanding drips out, and with that our world as we know it comes leaking or crashing out. No one teaches us how to repair our shells, if that is even possible. What I suspect is once the shell has broken, that particular one can never be reformed. Instead, I imagine those of us who have experienced the loss of a child either build a whole new shell, which incorporates cancer and the death of a child within our new understanding, or less optimistically, the loss is all consuming, and leaves us permanently shattered or fragmented.  

In addition to flowers on our deck, we are also growing tomatoes, peppers, basil, oregano, thyme and sage. Peter took a close up picture of one of our three tomato plants. The tomatoes are incredible, and they are just as tasty as they look.

Outside of our deck door, is our Meyer lemon tree! You have to understand that I received this tree as a gift from my sister-in-law years ago. It was sent from Florida in a small packing tube. In fact, what was sent was a tiny and fragile stalk of a tree. Maybe a foot long at the most. We honestly did not know whether we could get this to grow. However, Peter loves these kind of challenges. He has cared for this tree over the years, and even despite Mattie's battle with cancer and being relocated for over a year to a friend's home, the tree continued to thrive. It is an amazing tree, which produces incredibly juicy and tasty lemons.  

I baked 24 cupcakes today in honor of Mattie. Tomorrow, Peter and I will be visiting Georgetown University Hospital to give Linda Kim (Mattie's Childlife Specialist) a Foundation check for $25,000. These funds will help support another childlife position at the hospital and assist children and families on scan and procedure days.

Mattie LOVED vanilla cupcakes. In fact, during his treatment, I made dozens and dozens of cupcakes to motivate Mattie to cooperate and do physical therapy. Mattie couldn't eat most days, but he was willing to eat a cupcake. So whatever he would eat, was what we would give him. I did not care whether it was nutritious of not. However, you should NOTE that Mattie (pre-cancer) never liked sweets. I did not condition him, since clearly I consume TONS of sugar, this was just Mattie's natural preferences! However, baking cupcakes now for me is very bittersweet. It is like baking a birthday cake for your child, and yet your child is missing and gone.

At the Hospital on Wednesday, we are having a check presentation gathering. So stay tuned for pictures. My goal is to bring in cake and cupcakes and have a celebration for Linda, and to be able to share the cake and cupcakes with children who are inpatient and naturally our wonderful NURSES.

Unlike my usual summer days, today, I spent the day with a friend. Tanja, Katharina's mom, is a teacher, and today was her first day off for the summer. We covered a lot of territory together. We had a pedicure and chatted, walked around Old Town, Alexandria, went clothes shopping, and had a lovely lunch. Tanja and I both like shopping in Chico's, and while browsing around in there, I got to talking with the manager. She liked the clothing dialogue that Tanja and I were having with each other, and she asked me if I considered working for Chico's. She said if I wanted a job, to consider it. I told her if I decide to give up my current focus, I will come and see her. The irony is my mom is the Chico's guru. She is the one who sends me gifts from there and she is the one who has shown me how to navigate around any store. So my mom would have gotten a major chuckle out of today's conversation.  

Tanja and I have continued our dialogue into this evening, as we are text messaging back and forth. Tanja is a blog reader, is aware that today marks Mattie's 94th week gone from our lives, and also is open to hearing my feelings about this loss. Tanja reminds me that despite my pain and how I am feeling, I always make time for a friend, I am always listening, and caring. She commended Peter and I on the Foundation's successes and basically I was absorbing all she was saying. Sometimes positive feedback and supportive words are very needed and go a long way for all of us.