Saturday, July 2, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007 in Coronado, CA. Peter took Mattie on a bicycle ride around the Island, and what I love about this picture was Peter captured Mattie with the famous Hotel Del Coronado in the backdrop.
Quote of the day: There are two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein
My dad sent me Einstein's quote today. For such a profound thinker, I have to wonder what Einstein was pondering when he made this statement. Perhaps as human beings we do look at miracles in this black and white fashion. Meaning nothing is a miracle or everything is a miracle. I must admit that before Mattie developed cancer, I never viewed miracles as all or none. However, cancer did transform me and I no longer believe in miracles. Miracles do not just happen, and if you disagree with me, then I invite you to spend some time in a pediatric oncology unit. This will be a sobering reality check. Cancer should not happen to children and better yet, children should not die from cancer. Yet it happens to around FOUR children a day regardless of the efforts, medicine, and prayers thrown at the situation.
Peter and I started the day doing chores and then we went to a shopping mall together. While at the mall, we first stopped by the Lego store to try to see Liz, our amazing Lego contact. The store was hopping with children and naturally I can't think about Legos without reflecting on Mattie. During our time at the mall, we landed up having lunch there. Typically I do not like eating at the mall, but a new restaurant just opened up that I wanted Peter to try. Seasons 52 is a wonderful restaurant chain which I first experienced in Florida with my parents. Mattie also loved Seasons 52 and there are certain foods on the menu that just remind me of him and our vacation times in Florida. Needless to say, Peter loved the food. Everything is fresh, seasonal, and organic. For me dessert is a key component of any meal, and Seasons 52 has something called mini indulgences. Basically all their desserts are served in shot glass sized portions. Some people need alcohol, I just need two shot glasses filled with dessert to make me happier. Peter got a kick out of watching me today, and he knows quite well that you really do not want to come between me and sugar!
Later this afternoon, I went to spend time with Ann's mom, Mary. Mary was very alert today and we talked for three hours straight. While I was there, one of Mary's caregivers came into the room to chat with us. This lady started talking to us about her cats, and naturally I shared my Patches stories with her. She lost one of her cats to cancer, and this loss was devastating to her. A loss in which she still cries over. She started talking about July 4th and wanted to know my plans. She told me about her family and how they have traditionally spent it together. So I told her that Peter and I really do not celebrate much anymore because of Mattie's death. I did not go into details, but I told her that my son had died from cancer. Her immediate response was..... "you are young, you can have another child!" I told her that it isn't that simple. You do not have another child to replace a child you traumatically lost. Or at least I don't. I also realize that it is hard to try to explain the special connection and bond Mattie and I had with each other to someone else. I know she said this comment because she wants me to be happy and to have a family, but these types of comments are very hurtful and also in my perspective VERY disrespectful to Mattie's life and our relationship.
When I got home this evening, I was fortunate that Peter took charge of cooking dinner, since I was in no mood to cook. Peter and I sat outside on the deck with Patches and ate, chatted, listened to the fountains, and continue to try to find peace.
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