Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011 -- Mattie died 96 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007 in Lancaster, PA. We took Mattie to the hotel's restaurant for breakfast and the chef took a liking to him. Needless to say, Mattie left breakfast with his OWN chef hat. He thought that was pretty special and as you can see he was beaming!

Quote of the day: Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love.  ~ Jareb Teague

Peter and I started our day off by using skype to communicate. It was nice to have a live electronic chat and to find out how he was doing.

I spent part of the morning in Ann's garden. To my surprise I was surrounded by butterflies and goldfinches. To me these were special sightings despite the fact that it felt like it was over 100 degrees outside! 

I had the opportunity to have lunch and spend several hours today with Margaret. Mattie's first preschool teacher and my friend. Margaret and I met in 2005 and though she was Mattie's teacher, I took an instant liking to her. She understood Mattie and appreciated him. In fact, Margaret was the first person to tell me Mattie was artistic. That truly did not register with me at the time, until later on in his development. Six years later, Margaret and I are still friends, a friendship created by my Mattie. When I reflect on tonight's quote, I have to say I agree with its sentiments. Grief and the loss of a child are unbearable, but experiencing the love and understanding of a friend does help in indescribable ways. We all look for acceptance, support, and to be understood. Granted understanding my level of feelings and pain isn't always an easy task, but Margaret was keeping up with me today and helped to normalize many of my concerns and feelings of sadness. In many ways, someone's time, listening ear, and desire to connect with me are probably the best gifts I can receive. 

This evening, I spent several hours with Mary, Ann's mom. Mary is now visited nightly by a fellow resident, Catherine. I am very fond of Catherine and I am so happy that Mary has a floormate that checks in on her and cares about her. In addition, one of Catherine's friends came back from the hospital last night and Catherine is thrilled to have her friend back. I saw her friend in the hallway today and made a big fuss over seeing her and welcomed her back. I told her that we all missed her and we were happy she returned to the assisted living facility. My comment made his lady beam with happiness. Which brings me back to my original point in tonight's blog. We all have the desire to be accepted and really considered important in someone else's eyes. In so many ways, Mattie was the person who viewed me as IMPORTANT and necessary, and now that this connection has been severed it seems to compound the loss.

I end tonight's posting with a message from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, "Thinking of you this Tuesday and everyday."