Friday, July 15, 2011

Friday,  July 15, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007, in Lancaster, PA. We took Mattie to Cherry-Crest Farm and I couldn't resist snapping this picture. Mattie was our ram that day and Peter our sheep! No one wanted to play the cow, my favorite farm animal! In retrospect I am so happy we took Mattie on all sorts of adventures and trips, because clearly it doesn't make sense to put something off to the future. Since I have learned the future is not guaranteed!


Quote of the day: Joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ~ Kahlil Gibran

I had lunch with my friend Tanja and her daughter, Katharina today. They are leaving this weekend for their annual family visit to Germany. I am happy we got together today because Katharina has had some special summer adventures and it was nice to catch up with her and hear about them. She even showed me some of her pictures from camp as well as their recent trip to Alaska. Katharina thought about me while in Alaska and brought me back several gifts. Gifts she said Mattie would have approved of, which is most likely very true. I enjoyed our visit and appreciate this connection that Mattie helped to create for me.

When I arrived this afternoon in Mary's room I found a Happy Anniversary Balloon and card awaiting me. Earlier in the day Shayla, Mary's caregiver, text messaged me and wished me a happy anniversary. I wasn't sure how she knew it was my anniversary since I hadn't mentioned this to Shayla or Mary. However, when Shayla knew it was my 16th anniversary, I quickly deduced that Ann must have told her. Shayla confirmed with me the number of years I have been married, because she couldn't picture me married more than six years. She said I look too young to be married 16 years. I LOVE her already! The irony is 16 years goes by fast, and time has only slowed down for us now after Mattie's death. In many ways, without Mattie as our bench mark everyday seems like living in limbo. Children have a way of quantifying our time and existence. I thanked Mary for the lovely card and her sentiments. She said that 16 is a lucky number for her since she was married on May 16th. But she also said that she wanted to acknowledge this day because she feels it is important for me to know how much she appreciates me for the care that I give her. Naturally I do not expect Mary to say these things to me, since we are two moms who lost our sons to cancer, and that alone allows us to understand one another quite well. However, it is always nice to be appreciated verbally and told where you stand with someone.

As I write tonight, Peter is on a flight from Nigeria to Frankfurt. His flight from Frankfurt leaves at 3:45am (DC time) on Saturday, and he lands in Virginia at 1pm. So I imagine Peter is going to be out of it, and I will have to help him turn it around to leave again on Monday for Seattle. Though I haven't traveled, I am thoroughly exhausted this week. When Peter is away, our cat drives me crazy. She has awoken me every morning this week at 2am, 3am, 5am, 6am, and finally by 8am I have had it. I am not suggesting that she is just moving about our home during that time. NO! What I am saying is she is howling like a banshee and nothing calms her down, other than me getting up and feeding her or paying attention to her. I am living with a very strung out and anxious cat, and as I say to Peter it is no wonder her former owner shot her with a bb gun and threw her out on the streets of DC. We have had Patches for over 12 years and I have truly noticed that her behavior has gotten MUCH worse since Mattie's death. It is hard to say whether this behavior is a reaction to Mattie's death and the feelings she is absorbing from us, or whether her physical ailments provide an explanation. Either case, I need a night of sleep ASAP and I am thrilled to have Peter back over the weekend.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a letter my mom wrote to Peter and I for our anniversary. My mom wrote, "You have reached your sixteenth anniversary and have plenty of miles left to travel to reach our number on August 14, though time goes more quickly the older you get. You have accomplished miracles in your years of marriage and tragedy has only made you closer because you were a great team from the start, full of heart, courage and high ideals. July used to be a month of high points in my life because you were born in that month and later married in the same month. Unfortunately and sadly, when I received that infamous call on July 23, 2008, it changed my perspective forever and I can no longer have tea at Priscilla's because that was where I was when you called. In regard to how you and Peter handled the nightmare of recent events, I congratulate you both for having taken a tragedy and transformed it into a miraculous Foundation for the benefit of sick children. You have taken the high road setting an example for other married couples facing tough problems! Your marriage has made you stronger so that together you can search for a new definition of happiness, although granted it will be subtly changed forever. It is apparent to all who know you that your journey through hell with Mattie gave you the fortitude to rise again and jointly reach for the moon in the remembrance of your dear precious son. Happy Anniversary and many more!"