Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007 in Lancaster, PA. We took Mattie to a pretzel factory, and in the factory we all learned how to roll out dough and form it into a pretzel. This was a comedy show in and of itself, because it was easier said than actually done. Mattie figured it out one, two, three, while the rest of us were twisting the dough in all sorts of ways. I love this picture because Mattie's expression was really saying..... what is the big deal, I just did it!

Quote of the day:  Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Longfellow's quote is very meaningful, because it is easy to misinterpret someone else's behaviors and actions. In fact, sadness is an emotion that is so powerful it can take over one's mood, one's thoughts, and how one relates to the world. Rather than observe, listen, and understand someone else's sorrows and sadness, it is just easier for us to label that person as cold. Since this will enable us to WALK away without investing the time to uncover the heart of the problem. A problem which we may feel ill equipped to handle.

This morning I met my friend Christine and we took a 4.5 mile walk together. The irony is we talked the whole way, that it did not feel as if we covered that much territory. However, when Mattie died, one of our preschool friends mailed to us pedometers. So I have my pedometer clipped to me whenever I walk. There is some sort of satisfaction or need to know the distance I cover. I think it is a psychological thing... I have to know I am moving and accomplishing something, which seems very symbolic of the internal struggles I face.

Christine and I talked a lot about the Foundation and I shared with her my thinking and some of my goals for this year. Christine and I used to talk and interact a lot with each other at Mattie's school. So now that Mattie is gone, we miss this time together. Though our boys no longer have play dates, we still appreciate our time connecting, and I realize our friendship went beyond our boys just being friends. Though I always felt this way, it is nice to know that this is a reality! Christine introduced me to a restaurant I haven't been to before, and over lunch we chatted about so many things. I am happy to say that we concluded that we will be taking an exercise class together. This isn't only good physically for us, but it will be a wonderful way to see each other weekly. 

Tomorrow is July 15. Which is my wedding anniversary. Peter will be in Nigeria and boarding a plane to come home. He arrives back home on Saturday and then Monday morning he gets on another plane for Seattle. Talk about time zone confusion. It will be a whirlwind between laundry and dry cleaning, to get him repacked to head for Seattle! Celebrating a wedding anniversary for a couple who lost a child is rather complex. Complex because it is only natural on anniversaries for a couple to reflect on their accomplishments together, and typically one of the greatest life accomplishments is that of a child. What happens when the child dies? What happens to the relationship? For seven years of our marriage we focused on raising Mattie and planned our future accordingly. Now Mattie is not part of that future, and we are being forced to redefine ourselves and our relationship. Not by choice. Marriage in and of itself requires compromise, understanding, communication, trust, and respect. These are just words, but actually implementing them can be challenging under the best of circumstances. Now add one of the worst circumstances, a death of a child, and suddenly compromise, understanding, communication, trust, and respect are NOT enough. Much more is required, but one's emotional bank account is simply empty from seeing your child die from cancer. So how does one restore one's emotional bank account and continue to build a solid marriage? I have no answers really, but I do know that another factor has become crucial to our marriage, and that is Peter and I have learned to instill hope into each other when the other is down or lost.