Friday, September 2, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007 outside one of Mattie's favorite restaurants. Eating and Mattie did not really go together. Mattie was about movement, being active, and creating. Sitting still, listening to people talk, and eating were extremely painful for him to do. Which is why we always went to a restaurant armed with a ton of things for him to build and create with. Mattie and I may have been exactly alike temperament wise, but we differed in the joy of eating. I am told that when I was a child, I could sit quietly, listen to adults talk, and entertain myself. Despite this specific difference, our personalities and emotions were usually in sync.
Quote of the day: Grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us. Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens the hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways. ~ Tom Attig
Next week, on September 8, Peter and I have to face yet another milestone, the second anniversary of Mattie's death. I imagine some people think that with time, the pain becomes less raw and the memories become sweeter. These are major cliches! For a parent who lost a child, time is irrelevant. It could be 10, 15, or 20 years from now. The plain and simple truth will always be that we lost our only child to cancer, his battle with cancer was beyond heroic, and his death was absolutely traumatic. Watching Mattie die in his hospital bed, choking from the fluid in his lungs, and in agonizing pain are almost too much to focus upon. Yet these are our memories, these are the visions that fill our heads, and if you think time will erase these visions, then all I can say is you are very wrong.
Last year, on the first anniversary of Mattie's death, Peter and I gathered with friends by Mattie's tree, hung origami cranes on the tree, and also shared cupcakes (Mattie's favorites) with friends. This year such a gathering just doesn't seem right. I am not suggesting that others do not remember Mattie, they do, but the depths of our pain is very different from others. For me, it is hard to gather with friends and then know they are leaving me to reunite with their families and carry on with their busy day. So this year, I am not planning a group event to remember Mattie. Perhaps that is selfish, and perhaps Mattie would be disappointed in this decision. I simply do not know, but I do know that this is a very challenging time for us. Compounded by the fact that summer was hard for us without Mattie. It actually seems like every season of the year is fraught with issues and reminders.
This evening, I received the following email from my sister-in-law's friend, Lesley. Lesley lives in Massachusetts and what you need to know is that Lesley and I both gave birth to a son in 2002 who were only weeks apart from each other. We both raised only children and both of our boys had similar challenges. Though I never met Lesley, my sister-in-law would tell me about Lesley and her son Max, and in a way I felt we knew each other without ever meeting. When Mattie developed cancer, Lesley began reading our blog. She was a loyal blog reader and began to write to me on a regular basis. The first time I met Lesley was when she took the train from Boston to Washington, DC to attend Mattie's funeral. She literally came to DC for several hours and returned home the same day. But her motivation was to come and meet me and give me a hug at the funeral. Lesley made an impression on me that day and really showed me how Mattie's story changed lives! Today Lesley wrote and said, "As the school year begins, my thoughts are with you. Today, I got a note from Max's teacher. They were doing an "All About Me Poster." One question was, "who would you like to meet?" Max wrote about Mattie and actually began to cry. I just want you to know he is remembered...."
As I told Lesley, I was saddened to read the note from Max's teacher (which she sent to me). Obviously Max has connected with Mattie on a deep level, whether that is because they are the same age or they both love Legos. I am simply amazed how one child can be moved to tears by another, especially when you consider that Max never met Mattie. Don't you find that fascinating? Children seem to understand and feel things in ways that adults are so closed off to and can't express. As we approach the second anniversary of Mattie's death, Max's reaction of this loss is a special sign and gesture to me about the meaning of Mattie's life and just how special Mattie was as a person.
I had a very busy day today with my friend Tina. In a nutshell Tina and I picked fresh flowers from a flower wholesaler (my home is filled with glorious sunflowers and stargazer lilies tonight!), we picked fresh figs off her neighbor's tree, and I learned how to transform a fresh zucchini into zucchini relish. This involves pickling the zucchini and bottling it into jars. Toward the later part of the afternoon, we even helped one of her daughters bake cupcakes. So I think we were thoroughly productive and as I say to Tina all the time she has really christened her new kitchen this summer. It is amazing how much you can cook and do when the space is right. Kitchens of today have become the central focal and gathering place in a home, and that was most certainly true today.
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