Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012 -- Mattie died 124 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie and I were riding in "Speedy Red." Speedy Red was a gift my parents gave Mattie. He always wanted a ride-on car when he was healthy and well and my response was.... NO! However, my opinion about the ride-on vehicle changed dramatically when we learned of Mattie's terminal status. Speedy Red gave Mattie great pleasure in his last few weeks and though you are unable to see it, behind Mattie (in Speedy's trunk) was his pain pump which was attached to his central line hanging from his chest and in addition we had an oxygen tank with us. You can clearly see though that I am TOO big for this car! But there was no way I was going to let Mattie drive this car without an adult in the car with him. Mattie took to driving like a duck to water. He just understood the mechanics of the whole thing and he also seemed to understand what you had to do on curves and turns. At age 7 he was a great driver and we spent time zooming around outside in the fresh air during very challenging times. Which maybe why I can't seem to part with Speedy Red. Speedy takes up a great deal of real estate on our deck, but I am fine with that. In fact, at the moment, my sparrows seem to like perching on Speedy and even sitting inside the trunk! Over time I may figure out what to do with Speedy, but for now, he guards the deck and is the symbol of Mattie's last wish.  

Quote of the day: Wisdom is offtimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar. ~William Wordsworth

It is hard to believe that as of today, Mattie has been gone from our lives for 124 weeks! It just doesn't seem possible. Wordsworth in a way was correct, we do gain great knowledge, perspective, and maybe wisdom by being humbled and removed from a position of superiority. Cancer is most definitely that humbling force and add to that the death of a child and it shatters everything one seemed to hold dear and of value. In the midst of this harsh reality check, it is almost impossible not to learn something. I suppose in a way, my nightly writings or rants are my attempts at understanding my circumstances and the world around me. I AM IN SEARCH OF WISDOM..... it is my nightly quest to write and look for it, because no matter how much processing I do, it just doesn't make sense as to why Mattie was chosen to suffer and die.

I began my day by contacting my doctor. Or I should say one of my many doctors. After Mattie's death, I need a team of people to keep me well. But I have been struggling for the last two weeks and thought I was doing better, but I am back to where I started from, feeling awful again. Before seeing my doctor, I had an extensive visit with her resident. Typically I have no patience for residents, but this fellow caught my attention. Mainly because he wasn't only competent but he was an outstanding listener and great empathizer. I explained to him about Mattie's death and he immediately could put two and two together..... trauma and loss can equal great stress leading to illness. When my doctor finally came into the exam room and the resident stepped out so I could be examined, my doctor and I started talking about her resident. I basically gave her a mouth full about him and she quickly stopped what she was doing and took notes. She says she is putting my comments on his evaluation. When you find a doctor who listens, communicates, takes his time to connect with you, that needs to be acknowledged and rewarded.

I spent the rest of the day running around doing last minute chores for tomorrow's Whole Foods Day. We look forward to seeing many of our supporters and I am pleased to share with you Whole Foods' Ad that was circulated electronically today!