Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tuesday, March 6, 2012 -- Mattie died 130 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old and featured in one of his favorite toys.... tot wheels! Mattie loved this walker. He wanted to walk from a very early age, and he despised crawling and never did it. He loved the independence and control he had over using tot wheels. In the spring, we would take Mattie outside with tot wheels, and he would literally tear around up and down our common space. It was through Mattie that I met most of our neighbors. He was our unifying force, a force that no longer exists.

Quote of the day: Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~ Confucius


Tonight I am beyond exhausted, so this will be a very short posting. I went to see my urologist this morning. She is one of the specialists I see on a regular basis. She is the doctor who prescribed me the ct scan on February 1, which of course revealed my mass and has caused havoc in my life for over a month now. We discussed my current situation and she immediately flagged the fact that she did not like the way I physically looked. She could tell I haven't been sleeping and looked very tired and fatigued. But what she kept harping on was my weight. I did not really register what she was saying until she practically threw me on the scale and showed me I lost five pounds in about three weeks. Mind you I am not on a diet, and due to seeing non-stop doctors, I haven't been exercising regularly either. But being stressed out, I lose my appetite. Very reminiscent of when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Somehow the doctor seemed stunned by my psychological reaction to being diagnosed with a mass that CAN'T be biopsied! Which is where medical professionals and mental health professionals differ greatly. Because from my perspective all my symptoms are very understandable given the stress I have been living under and I would guess most mental health professionals would agree with my assessment. Why medical doctors have the trouble of connecting the mind and body together perplexes me to NO end! We discussed other aspects of my health as well, and by the time I left her office, she had a tear in her eye, and I also just felt lost, very emotional, and with no outlet at all to turn to. From a medical standpoint, this doctor has worked with me since 2009. She understands on some level the horror I lived through with Mattie and the fact that I lost my only child to cancer. I think the fact that I am now dealing with a mass which we can't tell what it is, is not only overwhelming to me, but it is to her as well. It is a mass that impacts my quality of life to some extent and also tests my persistence, determination, and overall hope. As she said to me today, sometimes life doesn't bring you what you want, and my natural response is.... who do you think you are telling this to? I know all too well that life is not fair, it can be cruel, painful, and hopeless because I have seen we control very little of what happens to us.

After this hour long visit, I later headed over to Ann's house to visit with her aunt who is in town visiting Mary (Ann's mom). Though I had little to give today, I did commit to seeing Mary's sister today, and one thing that is true about me is if I promise something, I try very hard to deliver on that promise. I met Mary's sister several times before and like Mary, I relate to her sister as well. We chatted for a long time today, and at one point she said to me that some things in life I just have to give up on because focusing upon them serves no purpose. She is wise enough to deduce that I am a sensitive person and as such take everything in and sometimes get upset over things or with people in my life. Though she wasn't giving me advice, she was talking about changes she made in her life, but as she was talking, her changes resonated with me. I could respect why she made these changes and the benefits of shutting out certain hurtful things and people. Some times one has to do this for self preservation purposes and  because focusing on how we want people to be or behave can only lead to further frustration and hurt. No matter how hard we try, we can't change people, we can't make them feel a particular way about us, and we can't always expect people to treat us the way we treat them. So it was a very insightful visit in a way. Needless to say, I am signing off for the evening, and as always I appreciate you stopping by and staying connected.